Friday, October 15, 2004

Poop Cake Recipe ( or What-One-Does-For-Love)

POOP CAKE RECIPE

1 - INGREDIENTS: Take your average three-legged cat missing the right posterior limb.

2 - How to ID said cat PHENOTIPICALLY: said cat is one-degree of separation from a Persian. Furry, furry, loads of hair. Face like a little monkey, squirrelly tail. GORGEOUS. The owner-friendly type that sheds in clumps rather than in individual hairs determined to become permanently embedded in human clothes. The owner-unfriendly type that regurgitates bezoars the size AND shape of small African nations. On the newly dry-cleaned rug, INVARIABLY. Or the bed, OCCASIONALLY. While human is sleeping in it, PREFERABLY.

3 - How to ID said cat BEHAVIOURLY: Said cat plays hide and seek - human hides, said cat seeks. When said cat reaches the hallway with the 3 doors and doesn't know which one human is hiding behind, said cat stops and chirps. Said cat CHIRPS. Human obligingly chirps back - OH JOY, THERE IS MY HUMAN!!! Valiant gallop towards human, much effusive human leg-marking. Once picked up, much effusive human jaw line-, chin-, nose- and cheek-marking, followed by profuse and effusive licking of human available surfaces. Excessive enthusiasm translated into non-releasing biting of human’s nose tip known to occur. Repeat game as needed. [NOTE: game particularly enjoyable during human exams because human can’t quite be expected to study while OBVIOUSLY AND ALTRUISTICALLY tending to the special needs of the handicapped] Said cat can most likely be found following human EVERY TIME human gets up, in most chirrupy manner, or living on the edge: narrow sofa’s armrest, narrow sofa chair’s armrest, on the very edge of sofa (from which said cat is prone to falling off when dreaming and waving little paws in the air much to her dismay). Every so often said cat may be found spread-eagled on her back on the simultaneously newly-regurgitated-upon and freshly-dry-cleaned rug.

4 - PREDICAMENT: Said cat is no longer able to apply the pressure conducing to full faecal expulsion due to lack of very important limb of the hind variety. Sad and very traumatising incidents tend to occur when said cat’s GI tract is upset, usually involving human tears and forced bathing of thoroughly disgusted by it all said cat. Said cat’s disgust is NOWHERE NEAR human one in this matter.

5 - CASE IN POINT: human walks into kitchen. (SMALL DIGRESSION: litter box used to be in the loo, between the toilet bowl and the far wall, where such objects belong. Said cat decided she didn’t much care for the arrangement and SHOULD NOT BE FORCED to manoeuvre in such a confined space. It stands to reason that said cat should then defecate IN FRONT of bowl and urinate ON rug. Human properly chastised, litter box now in the kitchen, dry-cleaners rumoured to have erected a small statue showing appropriate gratitude for human’s contribution to country house.) Human detects funny smell in the kitchen. Human detects skid trail on the kitchen floor and some semi-solid refuse that DOESN’T BODE WELL. Much colourful cursing and swearing in all six languages ensues, human can be seen frantically gathering cleaning products and a huge bottle of disinfectant, human spends a fun few moments cleaning up mess in the kitchen AND THEN following skid progress across WOODEN FLOORS. Enter more human colourful cursing and cleaning. Human looks for said cat who, surprisingly, HAS VANISHED. Human retrieves said cat from hiding place. Wrestling match ensues. HUMAN WINS and finds, as feared, a poop cake half hanging, half plastered from/in said cat’s fur surrounding anal region. Human carries LOUDLY PROTESTING said cat at a safe distance from body into the kitchen to turn on the boiler. Human marvels at what one can do with only one free hand when time is of the essence and one is feeling particularly desperate. Human then carries STILL LOUDLY VOCIFERATING said cat into the bathroom and lowers said cat into the bathtub while aiming shower head. Another wrestling match ensues during which: 1) human realises JUST HOW BLOODY LONG poop cake takes to dissolve from feline fur; 2) said cat decides she’s HAD ENOUGH OF ALL THIS NONSENSE and proceeds to claw her way up human’s mammalian and therefore pain-experiencing body with a disturbing degree of success; 3) said cat looks surprisingly like a big, miserable rat when thoroughly soaked; 4) human dearly hopes she doesn’t look surprisingly like a big, miserable rat when thoroughly soaked; 5) human feels like a BLOODY COW for inflicting such tortures upon said cat who is looking decidedly Jewish in a most “OY, WHY ME?” kind of way. (Said cat IS Israeli so said cat should just SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.)

6 - MORAL OF THE STORY: Trim said cat’s anal region RELIGIOUSLY!!! Bear in mind that, should this most basic and sanity-upkeeping commandment be violated, the only place the shit DOESN’T hit IS the proverbial fan.

[Do you know what I need? I need to find out how to create those handy little files in this blog, I need a file for "Animals", another for "Israel",etc, you know what I mean, you've seen them for sure. If you know how to do it please help me housekeep! I'm all over the place.]

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10 Comments:

At 15/10/04 09:07, Blogger Viscondessa said...

This cracked me up. I feel your pain, sister. I've been there.

As for identification: I still say she's a Maine Coon. Not based on looks alone.

From a cat breed website: "Many people consider the Maine Coon the perfect domestic pet. ... they use a distinctive chirp or trill for everything from courting to cajoling. Maine Coons have a clown-like personality, enjoying play well into old age, yet they rarely are climbers or hyperactive. They love their people and are inclined to be where their owner is, following him/her from room to room. "

As for the skid-and-cake, well, my fluffy Maine Coon (Tripod's twin indeed, down to the perfect fur and fluffy butt) has had more or less the same problem, and she's four-legged. So maybe the missing leg's not to blame?

My solution, which works for me everytime: Skip the bath altogether. Take a wad of tissue and surround the offending cake with it. Grab a pair of scissors. Trim all the way to the base of the hair to which said cake is clinging. Toss tissue into the toilet and flush. Presto! You have a cakeless *dry* cat, albeit with a funny new hairstyle.

 
At 15/10/04 11:39, Blogger The Lioness said...

I'd forgotten all abt that! It would make sense if she were, I suppose. How did i forget? Anyway, this CALLED for a bath, believe you me. I kept it simple but somehow she'd managed to slightly involve other anatomical portions, it was beyond tissues. YESTERDAY, however, I did only clip and clean - which is what brought the other time to mind, and the need for regular landscaping.

 
At 16/10/04 13:19, Blogger David said...

I never realized it before, but bezoars is the funniest word in the English language. You deserve some sort of award for discovering that. Or at the very least a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Your writing is clever, intelligent, and probably the funniest thing I've read all year. And I've been reading the Bible.
I'd say keep it up, but I don't want to come across as a pushy American. Instead I'll just say, you rock.

 
At 16/10/04 16:04, Blogger The Lioness said...

"Probably the funniest thing I've read all year. And I've been reading the Bible."

Now who's funny? Thank you, what an absolutely mind-blowingly fantastic thing to say! As for bezoars of all kinds, I can't take much credit for them in English, we have the word too (I've just looked it up and it comes from Persian, Arabic and Avestan. Avestan???). Personally, I find "nincompoop" the weirdest word ever, do people even use it?

Anyway, Dahling David, thank you and PIN A FLOWER ON THE NICE GUESTMAP ALREADY!

 
At 17/10/04 10:35, Blogger David said...

Hey, Nincompoop 2000 was going to be my rap name, before I decided on a career in death-metal yodelling.
The Bible can be quite amusing, especially if read aloud in your best John Malkovich imitation.
I'm so on the map. I'm in Idaho, which is a strangely shaped state that appears to be trying to get lucky with Canada.

 
At 17/10/04 13:19, Blogger The Lioness said...

See the neuron-path destruction? After reading your comment I remembered THAT'S HOW I FOUND YOU! Bcs of your very randy flower. Oh bloody hell.

 
At 1/2/05 01:47, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two words: Fucking Classic.

 
At 31/8/07 19:35, Blogger Udge said...

Simply brilliant, my dear! How witty you are.

 
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