Monday, October 25, 2004

So sexy it hurts

Template: *singing* *Off-key* I’m too sexy for my blog, too sexy for my blog, blog’s going to leave me!
Me: Stop it! Is there something you want to tell me? Go on then.
Template: As a matter of fact, there is!
Me: Yes?
Template: *preens*
Me: Well, are you going to tell me?
Template: Ah, you see… *Bursts into VERY loud singing AGAIN* I'm a model you know what I mean and I do my little turn on the catwalk, yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk ye -
Me: Stop that! No I DON’T see, tell me what it is you want!
Template: This is disgraceful.
Me: What is?
Template: This *gestures vaguely around*, this is… so squallid.
Me: Template, you are trying my patience, WHAT is squallid?
Template: My surroundings. And here I look so fabulous! Simply mahvellous!
Me: Your surroundings??? You ARE your surroundings you twit!
Template: *sulking* You KNOW perfectly well what I mean!
Me: I DO NOT!!! Now tell me and stop this nonsense.
Template: You don’t seem to care really.
Me: ?
Template: *stamps foot* You don’t, you don’t, if you did you’d have tried harder at making me prettier so there! *crosses arms and pouts*
Me: I have been looking at countless codes, I have been working on this thing - YOU! - for hours and hours! It’s almost 4 am! And you DID say you looked fabulous so what schizoid conversation is this we're having?
Template: Well… *whiny voice* I don’t have any categories! I STILL don’t have any categories! You promised to get me some, YOU PROMISED!
Me: *deep sigh* I did, didn’t I. Sorry about that but I can’t seem to figure it out.
Template: I’ll say! And it’s very hard, I’m sure…
Me: It is rather hard you ungrateful blue imbecile, why don’t you try it yourself!
Template: All I know is you promised! I’d have all my animal posts grouped together, and everything about the Middle East (especially Israel, oh I so like Israel!), and those silly political rants you insist upon for no good reason and oh and the kibbutz stories - though THERE AREN'T ANY ARE THERE, weren’t you supposed to be working on those? Why haven't you written any yet? *wailing* See, I knew you didn’t love me! You’ve never cared for me AND I'M SO DELICATE! YOU’VE NEVER CARED FOR -
Template: *speechless shock*
Me: Now that you’ve calmed down a bit -
Template: *disbelieving* You… You… You SLAPPED me!!!
Me: Prescribed action for hysteria onset, I had to really.
Template: But you slap-
Me: QUIET! Now, I did try but AS I SAID I can’t quite see how to do this permalinking, if that's what I need, so I am in a bit of a bind.
Template: Then I’ll do it!
Me: ...You?
Template: YES, ME! I’ll ask the people! Surely someone out there knows how to create those cute categories - frankly, I’m appalled that you spend so much time in front of your computer…
Me: I’m warning you…
Template: … and still you DON’T KNOW A DAMN THING DO YOU!!!
Me: THAT’S ENOUGH you horrible little thing! If you go on like this you’ll go back to being white and borin- template? Template? Oh bloody hell!

- 10 min later -

Template: *Moans* Ohhhh… Where am I? What happened? Why can’t I talk?
Me: You’re intubated, you collapsed and stopped breathing. Some vagal something or other.
Template: I did? Of course I did, I TOLD you I was delicate! Hey - why can you still hear me? It's a miracle!!
Me: I'll say. I was wondering about such blessings myself but I think I know why.
Template: So tell me!
Me: You see, my Great-grandfather once found a sealed ivory box with runic inscriptions and opened it. He had the inscriptions translated. They read ”He who disturbs my sleep shall forever be accursed but more so his Great-granddaughter who shall be made to suffer at the hands of a git of monumental proprort-”
Template: HEY HEY HEY! No need to be rude is there.
Me: Wasn’t there something you wanted to say?
Template: I’m afraid of you now - and you always talking abt Amnesty International and Human Rights blablabla and common decency when dealing with others blablabla so what am I, A LOG??
Me: Uhm. Yes actually. That is PRECISELY what you are.
Template: Oh. OH.
Me: You do see. So hurry up now, some of us have classes in the morning.
Template: Alright: HELP! I need help! She doesn’t know what she’s doing, I need Internal Affairs! I’m perfectly disorganised and I can’t can’t bear to be disorganised, I’m too sexy for this bl - OUCH! You bloody cow, that's going to BRUISE!

*Curtain falls*


At 25/10/04 09:09, Blogger brooksba said...


Great post! I enjoyed your conversation with your blog and I feel for you. Templates confuse me and I get a little frustrated. Luckily, I have DM to help explain some of the things.

I don't know how to do the categories where the bottom will link to the same subjects. I'd love to know how to do it as well.

I hope you get some sleep before classes.


At 25/10/04 19:41, Blogger Mobile Homemaker said...

I dunno, but I laughed as I read that. Very fun.

I want to know how to make the previous posts list run in the opposite order and go on for as many posts as I've made... a table of contents, you see. I've had to settle for manually adding a new link to my template for each post. When you can't figure out how to automate it, you can always brute force the template, babe.


At 26/10/04 21:33, Blogger CarpeDM said...

Oh, Lioness, I loved this. It was hilarious. I laughed so hard. This was great.

At 26/10/04 22:01, Blogger brooksba said...


I love your categories! I want to try it too. Is it something you can describe the code? I started figuring out which categories I wanted at least.

I still laughed rereading this post. Thank you.

At 26/5/05 05:05, Blogger Erasmus said...

This was pretty damn funny! My blog is complaining along these same lines right now.

At 10/6/05 08:36, Blogger jac said...

Apt name for a vet who is afraid of exams.
Your presentation amuses me. Why I am not here before ? Sure I'll be back.


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