Friday, July 29, 2005

Of Blue

The air is thick with something I can’t quite define.

There is desolation in chaos and clutter, too much of it. I do not live in a messy, unclean house, I simply could not. Home, IKEA, Places With Books - the one trinity I believe in. We all have temples, they are all to be revered. I live, however, in a house that often bests me. It is endearing how objects come out to dance overnight, how they swiftly breed and pup when you’re not looking. Endearing and overwhelming. Mine is not a case of ingrained disorganisation. I do in fact need order and tidiness to thrive. When book piles and unfiled papers and unfolded clothes reach a certain level - for a certain level must also be allowed, museums make for very poor housing - I am frantically driven to make it all better. I know that there is a very thin red line between Comfortably Lived In and Beyond Bearable, one I am forced to ride over and over again, for lack of proper storage.

I have often thought, sometimes said, that I would love to live in an aquarium with books. This isn’t easily understood. There is one room that is absolute sanctuary, my bedroom. No TV, no desk, sanctuary. In my bedroom it must always be Shabbat, the madness and demands of the outside world receding and allowing my fingertips to be longer than the rest of me, they could touch anything, go anywhere. In my case, and this might surprise you, sanctuary is mostly white w deep blue accents. THIS blue:

This is the colour that single-handedly allows me to breathe. My obsession with it is an old thing. My mother tells me that I refused to be clad in anything but blue from a very early age. Much like my bedtime stories, the clothing colour scheme was not allowed to change. That was surely one of the very first necessary maternal lies, the tedious morning ritual of assuring me, at an age when I didn’t even know the colours yet, that every single thing I was wearing was, of course, blue. I would then go abt my business fully content. A tad neurotic, but content. As phases go it didn't last too long, but it had long-lasting consequences.

Mother also tells me, and that would explain it to a great extent, that cobalt blue was the exact colour of my eyes when I was born and that as a baby people always commented on it because it was so unusual and even bizarre. Blue, blue, blue, blue. BLUE. Lorenz and Tinbergen, behold the colour-imprintee.

Humans live best when each has his place to stand, when he knows where he stands in the scheme of things and what he may achieve. Destroy the place and you destroy the person.
Bene Gesserit Teaching

Dune. Rarely, if ever, can I say this: both perch on the branches of my soul, both the film and the book. One long, slow rapture, both are home, a desert full of me. I’ve never much fancied places with an abuse of greenery, trees and leafy hills. I like arid landscapes, I like that my eyes can see there and beyond and the air sometimes is so hot it trembles before you, nearly palpable. House Atreides of the sea, and Arrakis and the spice. Perfect.

The Fremen were supreme in that quality the ancients called spannungsbogen - which is the self-imposed delay between desire for a thing and the act of reaching out to grasp that thing.
--from The Wisdom of Muad'Dib by the Princess Irulan

And there among the Fremen I found the eyes of Ibad, all blue, blue-in-blue, the Fremen who dream of water and ride the worm. In a different way, it was not dissimilar to what I felt my first time in Israel, where I viscerally knew, for the first time in my life, what it felt like to be one of us. The Fremen were Blue, phosphorescently so.

My dream house was, of course, blue, furnished mostly in blue, populated with transparent cobalt blue objects that would allow the light through in that heart-stopping liquid way. I have been known to buy things simply bcs they were the right colour. They say my name, I heed. What am I to do with the milk pan now? Bought in the Old City in Jerusalem and never used - but rightly blue, and therefore rightly mine. One day in 2003 I realised it simply must no longer be. Much like our food, our souls are healthier when fed a varied regimen. My living-room is looking pretty in white, red, aubergine and light wood. My office is white, orange and pink. My kitchen is metallic grey, apple green and deep blue. I live better in a more colourful world. My baby eyes have finally come into their own and are taking adult steps.

And yet. I still have a deep need for transparent cobalt blue glass, always will. I too breathe through my eyes in a very narrow UV range. Sun rays through cobalt blue glass are, to me, a truly mystical experience. That’s where I go to to lick my wounds, or celebrate the fact that there aren’t any.

There is a sparse but vivid tranquillity within me tonight. No good reason for it to be so really. The last few days studying for the last exam were gruesome. I am tired. Bone-tired. I haven’t had a holiday since 2001 and no amount of blue can change what that is doing to me. At the risk of surprising you again I could tell you the night before my exam I couldn’t fall asleep. I slept for an hour and a half, wrote my exam, could barely stay awake on the ride home - and then couldn’t fall asleep at all until 7 pm. And then 8 pm. And then 10 pm. And then I was up at 3.30, and fell sleep again at 6 am, and woke up at 11 am absolutely exhausted and disoriented. To celebrate what will be a 10-day period of freedom from studying (9 exams coming up in September), I decided to clear some room for the most important books. I long ago ran out of book space, they rest in triple rows and cause me perpetual guilt. My poor, poor books. Many a trip was taken from the flat into the basement to line the least favourite ones (more guilt) along the shelves amidst much sneezing and throat-constricting [for we are the mites and we rule as one]. I have been tired and snappy and miserable and was even more tired and snappy and miserable by the end of it.

But see, there is desolation in chaos and clutter, too much of it. And by tidying up I achieve something more important than simple physical rest - a clear mind. Clean chakras. Good vibes. Call it what you like, my home will be more so after I’m done. And, since I believe in sending Life the right message, this is my bottle at sea, I need a new office, a fitting one, a space where studying and working can be an open joy, see how I’m working towards it, now please send a cheque, 1/3 of the Trinity beckons.

I am also telling Life there is space in mine for all the good things that it has to offer, so it chooses to.

There is a vivid tranquillity within me, at the core, at all times.



At 29/7/05 04:30, Blogger Lord Chimmy said...

>>>But see, there is desolation in chaos and clutter, too much of it. And by tidying up I achieve something more important than simple physical rest - a clear mind. Clean chakras. Good vibes. <<<

So beautifully stated. Perhaps I should use this one instead of telling people that I am simply obsessive-compulsive and the need to tidy up settles my neuroticism.

Living spaces indeed affect us on a deep level. Personally, I hate clutter and have a strong desire for wide-open spaces,as well as a place for everything and everything in its place. I hate to feel suffocated by my living quarters.

Do you, by chance, have an IKEA bookshelf? I was looking to head up there and get one for myself. I also have more books than space.

Cobalt blue...ahhh, what a soothing color. I, too, am a fan of blue. It is refuge.

At 29/7/05 04:35, Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

By the way, that color is Pantone (PMS) 285. Just in case you need a universal name for it.

At 29/7/05 04:36, Blogger Candace said...

1. I, too, have that thin line between letting the mess go and it-must-be-cleaned-up-now-ORIWILLLOSEMYMIND. My poor children.

2. My Sophie had cobalt blue eyes upon birth. Amazing.

3. I'm so happy that you're happy and that he's so sure. It's...wonderful and deserved and sweet and makes my heart sing for you.

At 29/7/05 09:51, Blogger Jen P said...

That is the most stunning blue I have ever seen. Cobalt blue is my favourite colour, scarlet red being my second and those are the 2 colours I feel that define me. I think people often feel defined by the colours they choose, or are chosen by. It's a gorgeous blue. It's the loveliest blue I've ever seen.

I too am happy that you're happy. And my heart soars that someone so magificent has come into your life. Squealing with delight for you and your beautiful cobalt blue.

At 29/7/05 12:55, Blogger Lala said...

Stop letting others infertility seep into your mind, YOU will not have any problems! I know that everyone else you've ever read and supported will agree with me, you can't catch it, and YOU won't. We will all watch gleefully as you get knocked up at the drop of a hat! Your ovaries will be fine and you will have beautiful, multi-lingual, sensitive, intelligent children. And we will all clap!

At 29/7/05 13:24, Anonymous ed said...

Well now, of course, I can't relate to that at all...just sitting here on my IKEA chair at my IKEA table, looking at the computer screen which is on an Nenne computer table...

And how could I manage without Bonde bookshelves with matching CD tower?

I'm so glad you've found your Knight.
Just remember the secret of conceiving children is to have as many orgasms as possible. Because the more you have the more likely it will be that you will both orgasm together and that will aid conception. So forget about trying to conceive and have the hottest sex you possibly can.

At 29/7/05 13:59, Blogger The Lioness said...

Chimmy, yes. I DO have an IKEA bookshelf. Which model do you fancy? Let's compare notes!

LI, tnx. I had no idea.

M., 1.? Know exactly what you mean, not fair for those around us is it.

J., I agree 100%, they do, and we are. I like to see you squeal. :)

L., oh no, listen, it was there long bfr I started reading IF blogs - and that's not even why I started! I never took my fertility for granted is all, and then the Dr. told me I was right not to. For all I know I could get pg the first time we try, all I mean is that it IS a bit of a worry at the back of my mind, ovulation usually being a pre-requisite. We'll see!

Ed, you furnie soul brother, I knew it, you and Sue have that look abt you! And I'll try to have as many orgasms as humanly possible, promise.

(Though, why do simultaneous orgasms aid conception? The little buggers can crawl their way up regardless. Has this been proven? Why don't I read Nature anymore? What is the rationale behind it? Educate, please! Tnx!)

At 29/7/05 14:00, Blogger The Lioness said...

Oh, and you lot, we are NOT trying yet! NOT YET! NO TRYING!

Thank you, Shabbat shalom, goodnight.

At 29/7/05 15:17, Blogger Candace said...

Here's my understanding of the mutual/multiple orgasm theory:

When a woman orgasms, the cervix actually tips into the well just under it in the vaginal cavity. I've seen video of this happening, and if there is semen in the well, the cervix dips right into it. So if a couple orgasms at the same time, there will be semen for the cervix to grab. And if a woman orgasms mulitple times during one "session", that's just more times the cervix dips into the semen.

All I can say is that each time I conceived (four times, two kids) we had simultaneous orgasms. TMI? Sorry.

At 29/7/05 15:57, Blogger The Lioness said...

I see. That's pretty much what I thought. I'll bear it in mind when the time comes - gah, no pun intended!

I read IF blogs, not TMI, no worries!

At 29/7/05 17:18, Blogger CarpeDM said...

I came here after having a horrible call with this woman who is convinced that President Bush is going to resolve her stock problem. I really wanted to tell her that he's too busy sending people to war to worry about her stock but resisted.

That blue is gorgeous and calming and helped a lot but I am worried about your insomnia. Poor Johnny.

Don't feel so bad about your books. You would so go into shock if you ever saw my room that you would tell your books they were being treated like royalty.

I HEART Loverboy. Just so you know. Please marry him now. NOW! And then have many babies so I can spoil them from afar.

Beijos! Get some rest, dang it!

At 29/7/05 18:08, Blogger Betsy said...

Oh, what a beautiful post (I also adored the one from last December - your list, which is also my list.)

That blue is stunning, and incredibly soothing as well.

And now I must do something with the heaps of piles of stuff surrounding my computer monitor here on my desk...

At 29/7/05 20:06, Blogger brooksba said...

Blue, especially cobalt blue, is a lovely colour. It is very calming and I've heard many use it as a recurring colour scheme in their homes to feel relaxed.

I adore Loverboy and I'm so thrilled you have him in your life. It's brilliant.

Miss you!

At 29/7/05 20:10, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Um, it is OK to skip the getting pregnant part and just enjoy the orgasm part.

At 29/7/05 20:49, Blogger Rozanne said...

Lovely color and my favorite, too. Note the blue flower that stands in for an actual photo of my face.

Glad you are finding some peace and tranquility. Hard to come by these days.

At 29/7/05 22:43, Blogger Lord Chimmy said...

I like the Bonde with the birch finish...or the Leksvik. As soon as I get motivated to head out to IKEA I'll decide which one(s) I'll get.

At 29/7/05 23:06, Blogger Diana said...

Lovely, honey, lovely.

I am the other way. I need water and green with my blue. Trees, leaves, grass, rain clouds. I was very saddened that they left their lovely water world for Arrakis.

At 30/7/05 09:13, Blogger Udge said...

What a wonderful post! It's good to hear you in happy mode again.

My bookshelves are Billy in birch veneer. I used to love IKEA until they closed down their city-centre location, the nearest store is now a half-hour drive away (and I have no car).

At 30/7/05 10:34, Blogger CarpeDM said...

Oh, and I see my JIP looking down on Loverboy. Give the ladies kisses for me, okay?

At 30/7/05 12:27, Blogger Bubbi said...

Green! Deep rich tones of green--my favorite.
Accent colors adorn the green.

3am, finds me cleaning and making war on clutter :) I get it--no rest if home is in chaos..........

Books piled high, well beyond shelves. The answer to when they become to many is I donate some to the Library.

Baby story--my 37 yr old friend just gave birth to a healthy 8 lb little girl. Lydia was not suppose to be--a yr of failed fertility drugs and insemination caused only despair.

Once the couple gave up that route and had decided they would adopt---she got pregnant. So when the time comes--relax--it will happen when it is suppose to.

At 30/7/05 12:29, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No one has mentioned this yet today, so let me add that your writing is spectacular, breathtaking, stunning. If I understand correctly, English is not your first language? Astounding.

At 30/7/05 16:56, Blogger Noorster said...

Anonymous, that's because we KNOW already.

At 30/7/05 19:48, Blogger Panda said...

Oh lioness, you would absolutely die if you had to live in my house. Maybe I should post a picture of what our study currently looks like. There is a path through crap on the floor from the door to the computer desk, a little island of clear space around the desk and the rest is pile high - and I mean HIGH - with assorted detritus.

Maybe my mind would be clearer and I would be calmer if I took a leaf from your book.

I love that shade of blue too. Its the colour I always wanted to be. But purple is the colour I have to be surrounded with.

And did somebody mention just relaxing and you'll get knocked up??? Dont make me get the Tonking Fish... I'm with Lala though - infertility is not catching. Dont start panicking just yet. If you ARE infertile, there'll be plenty of time for that later.

At 31/7/05 05:23, Blogger Stacey said...

"My mother tells me that I refused to be clad in anything but blue from a very early age."

You too? We must be twins! It is still my favorite color. It is so beautiful.

At 1/8/05 11:39, Blogger K|nneret said...

You write so beautifully, Lioness is one of my favourites too, and a reason I love the water so very much.

As for the Cornwell book(you asked on my blog), it's called "Trace" - she goes back to Virginia for a case. I didn't love it, I'll tell you now. You can have my copy if you want ;)

At 1/8/05 15:44, Blogger Agent Sierra said...

Oh Lioness, I agree with you about clutter, and my loverboy grew up in and does not understand clutter or its impact on my psyche.

Also love blue. Have blue clothing, furniture, post-it notes, and seek blue skies, and blue water.

I loved this post. Your feelings for him come through. :)

At 1/8/05 21:22, Blogger The Lioness said...

Chimmy, I have a Billy and lots of assorted items. *DROOL!*

Diana, he has the best of both worlds! First all that water and then the desert - just perfect!

Udge, mine are white Billy. And I'd sue them!

DM, good one! No one spotted her I think, and it looks so cute.

Bubbi, I used to BUY books off the Library in Eilat. Sadly, no such option here. Have you tried the FlyLady? She's good! Re infertility, it's not always so simple. In fact, you committed 2 cardinal sins: "relax" and the pregnancy after adoption thing. :) (Just warning you should you find yoruself in an infertility blog, these ladies are tender, w good reason)

Anon, thanks. Yes, not my 1st language but the one that best fits me.

Noor, *SMOOCH*

Panda, I probably would! I would LOVE to get my hands on your study, I'd make it look ab fab in no time! YES re the colour, exactly! And I'm not panicky, simply aware. ;=

Stacey, heterozygotic but still, I suppose we could!

Kinneret, tnx. Off to the ocean tomorrow! Yes, Trace was disgraceful she must have been high while writing it.

Agent S. (so spy-y!), work on HIM! Blue post-its?? I'm jealous, never even saw them! Tnx. ;)

At 2/8/05 14:57, Blogger Agent Sierra said...

Same blogger, new name. Security breach at my blog...had to change URL.

At 2/8/05 15:46, Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

Okay, I give up. I have to know. Is that Kyle McLachlan in the photo (not the shower one, I know who that is)?

At 8/8/05 13:29, Blogger The Lioness said...

AS, that is more than a bit scary! But you don't seem to have a blog anymore? Explain slowly, please. Heatwave brain.

L., yes it is! That is my fave role of his, he was just perfectly cast!

At 11/8/05 14:05, Blogger Agent Sierra said...

I was "outed" as a blogger by someone I know who is not a friend. You've been there once. Sending you the via email.


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