Friday, October 15, 2004

If you're trying to procreate

[This post has been brought to you by Plim!]
If you're trying to procreate this is one of the MANY things you MUST NEVER DO:
  • Mumble "I could eat your tits!" while I'm happily walking past you on the street on my way to get ciggies.
Next time I will not freeze in disbelief for too long.
Next time I will snap out of it sooner.
Next time my ladden bag WILL NOT MISS YOUR HEAD and hit the streetlamp instead.*
If a woman happens to remove her knickers upon hearing you it will certainly be to better strangle you with them, you freaking troll! We ovulate DESPITE wankers like you.
Which reminds me. Male type we - the sane ones - absolutely loathe:
Main Entry: 1freak
Pronunciation: 'frEk
Function: noun
Etymology: origin unknown
1 a : a sudden and odd or seemingly pointless idea or turn of the mind b : a seemingly capricious action or event
2 archaic : a whimsical quality or disposition
3 : one that is markedly unusual or abnormal: as a : a person or animal with a physical oddity who appears in a circus sideshow b slang (1) : a sexual deviate (2) : a person who uses an illicit drug
(The Lioness' Home-Brewed Definition)
1: males who, inexplicably, have been recently found gravitating towards one thus creating an unprecedented pattern in one's existence: much to one's bafflement: because one never cared for the fucked up ones: roadside attractions belong on the couch: and not one's couch at that.
LIFE, GET A GRIP! What are you doing? What were you thinking? Will I be forced to write a list of the most basic requirements and post it to you? STOP IT THIS MINUTE! What, I need this?
And for the sane, burly, cleft-chinned, manly men among you who've always wanted to know why women ALWAYS go to the loo in tandem, I'll let Lilybee spin her tale.
* If you think I'm joking think again. I don't see why I should meekly take whatever inanities spew from their mouths or them cupping a feel in crowded spaces. It's a touchy-touchy place, this land of mine. I went pro-active years ago and IT WORKS.

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At 15/10/04 15:57, Blogger Noorster said...

[jolly stereotyping] Sounds like the odd construction worker to me. Was he a construction worker?[/jolly stereotyping]

At 16/10/04 00:39, Blogger lilybee said...

Good God, someone actually reads my crud. Thankyou, but unfortunately I can claim no responsibility for it, passed as it was to me from one of my (other) collegues.
And I must say, thankyou for your blog. I have only just started reading it and definitely already rate it up there with Adams for entertainment value, [yes, I love your sense of humour and also am so glad you blog in English]and Ann Mc for addiction value. It is nice to know that a love of dragons, felines that dein to adopt us and understanding of 42 is not a freaking abboration of the mind, but there are kindred souls who understand the true meaning of life. Go Girl!!

At 17/10/04 11:02, Blogger Marg said...

I always carry a brick in my bag for those occasions.
Think I'm kidding? As the freak in Cais do Sodré who gave him that interesting square print across his forhead... that wasn't a cupboard he bumped into!


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