Thursday, September 30, 2004

Meet the Porn Artist, ethologically-oriented (NEW)

The internet is a wonderful thing. Technology is a wonderful thing. Search engines are wonderful things. Site metres are wonderful things. Mine listed the most amazing referral. If you do a search on PORN using Technorati, I'm one of many possibilities:
505 posts matching PORN (last 7 days)
Query took 4.394 seconds.
Ranked by freshness
# 15 - WHICH SURPRISED HER.
5 Links from 5 Sources. Last updated 4 minutes ago.
Read Full Post — created 5 days 23 hours 26 minutes ago.
I'm a very fresh wannabe porn-starlet, who knew.
My kindest regards to the Unknown Searcher, IP address XXX.XXX.227#, CET, who, despite obviously NOT having got what he was looking for, bravely fought the good fight, viewed 2 (TWO!) pages and held on for 2 full minutes and 44 seconds! WELL DONE!
I am now conducting an ethological experiment.
STEP 1) Increasing blog's proception for porn fans - by introducing words such as: vagina, penis, testicles, scrotum, breasts, sperm, come, pussy, dick, tits (HUMANGOUS), sluts, wet and the old charmer anal. And maybe school girls and uniforms. Oh, also oh baby, yeah. And I'll finish - beautifully, if I say so myself - with an all-time favourite, oh baby you're sooo big!
STEP 2: Examining referral pages carefuly and performing a Chi2 analysis of results.
STEP 3: Posting results.
And to think people thought I was dumb just because I'm blonde! Would a brain-blonde be able to design such an elegant protocol? Would she? WOULD SHE? HA!
Funny thing, the only other referral I had - via Google - was from some Swede looking up "beheading + hostages + footage + Iraque". I'd written it the Portuguese way, it's now been corrected, as of now I reign brower-wise only through porn. I write a post re the hostages because I saw horrors I didn't want to see, this bloke is deliberately looking for them. I'll take porn any time.
UPDATE: This experiment has taken me to a very scary place. This is the one other referral:
Results #3 of about 34; 61.1.244.# (APNIC Pacific Rim); 15 secs; UTC+5:00 Russian Federation; Search Engine: yahoo; Search Words: rape photo for iraque girls
You Russian sicko, you BLOODY COWARD! This is how you get your kicks, you SCUM? That's kozyol in your own language, козёл - I wouldn't want you to not understand what I'm saying. If you ever find yourself in тюряга you will learn all there is to know about the joys of rape. You'd make someone a lovely prison wife. иди к черту! Вали отсюда! Пошёл ты!
Experiment over as of now.
UPDATE 2: I got two hits for "beheading+Iraque" with search.msn.com from 2 different people. What kind of a world have we that I'm relieved they're looking for this and not rape photos?

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10 Comments:

At 30/9/04 22:54, Blogger Nevermore said...

I'm afraid you've used the Portugese spelling for 'come' as well. You will have to spell it 'cum' if you want your experiment in attracting porn zombies to succeed.

Oh, and don't forget the holy grail of porn searchs: "water sports". Discovered this one accidently myself. My seven-year-old son asked me a question about water polo, and I said, "That's a good question, son, let's google it." Big mistake.

 
At 30/9/04 23:10, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I actually debated wether to write "cum" but in the end decided it would be too much for me. I'm afraid to ask about water sports. There's a definite pong surrounding it... Smacks of that showery bliss. My curiosity wins, as always, be right back.

I'm back, several remarks:
1 - Am none the wiser, and I can live with that.
2 - Forgot to add "SLUT", will rectify presently.
3- Found a site with a banner that says "ROMANCE IS NOT what's on our mind!" - there's brilliancy to it, it must be said.
4 - The WHAT-splatter??? Very elegantly put. Very oestrus-inducing.
5 - Hoping for dear life they didn't get my data. I've told everyone already I DO NOT need a bigger penis.

 
At 1/10/04 01:27, Blogger Aaron said...

I wouldn't bother with the word 'scrotum'; from my limited knowledge of the subject, I don't think your average porn fiend tends to go searching for hot scrotum action on the internet. But I may be behind the times.

 
At 1/10/04 02:00, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just admiring your code.
Pretty nice.

 
At 1/10/04 02:08, Blogger The Lioness said...

What do you mean, admiring my code??? And why is it admirable? It's sadly very basic. What I want is to be able to insert links onto links, you know the type, your mouse tip rests on the link and a sentence you wrote shows in a little square describing what is linked. THAT is admirable (go, DM!)

People, tell me this: HOW COME EVERYONE PLUS THEIR DOG MANAGES TO ACCESS MY CODE??? How is that done? Isn't anything sacred? HAENDE WEG!

Or is "code" a code for something else? Can't be. Am caught in a loop now! HELP!

 
At 1/10/04 04:18, Anonymous Anonymous said...

>> "I don't think your average porn fiend tends to go searching for hot scrotum action on the internet. But I may be behind the times."

Depend which side of the plate you are batting from, don't you think?

 
At 1/10/04 20:49, Blogger Jay said...

"Just admiring your code.
Pretty nice."

I put this into Babelfish, and translated from GEEK to English. Here is the translation.

"Hey baby! You're HOT!!! Want to have cyber-sex some time?"

 
At 2/10/04 17:07, Blogger CarpeDM said...

Thank you for the props, unfortunately, it's not me, it's blog rolling. http://www.blogrolling.com/ Love that site. Can't figure out how to get it to say blog roll me! Last time I tried, there was all that problems with the templates.

And what I don't get, Blogger talks about how you can get new templates and I found the coolest one with these frogs on lily pads (because that's what green duckies are) and I can't figure out what you do with them. At all. How do you add it to your site? How?

I need a geek. Perhaps I'll troll for them by placing binary code in random spots in my posts. Or maybe a post about...Oh, who am I kidding? I have no clue how any of this stuff works. I wouldn't know what to write. Sigh.

 
At 2/10/04 18:32, Blogger The Lioness said...

Well dahling, I'm still impressed because I, for one, CANNOT understand Blogrolling. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do. Very embarrassing. On the other hand, it forced me to learn some coding so all's not lost but still bloody humiliating!

 
At 16/10/04 18:38, Anonymous Anonymous said...

very nice blog. I used water sports. Indeed a big surprise. greetings.

 

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