Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Whack me on the head with a heavy object now SFFF

It's 8.13, morning, ugly, cold, rainy day and how was my night, you wonder. IT WASN'T. Amazingly, and against ALL medical expectations, I HAVEN'T FALLEN ASLEEP YET. Yesterday I took half a pill and fell asleep around 8 am. Woke up at 15 pm. Today I took a whole pill at around 23 pm and here I am. AWAKE. At 8.27. These pills are sleep-INDUCERS, thus called bcs they indeed INDUCE sleep. Apparently I'm not INDUCEABLE, my ferocious metabolism standing in the way of my mental health. My friend G, who is a Dr., will look into getting me an appointment for the Sleep Clinic. The time for drugs, at least these ones, has come and gone. And now I am a bit scared. My hands are shaky but yesterday they were worse, I've had these rampant insomnia crises before but whenever I eventually relented and took the pills my body responded to them and I did fall asleep in less than 10 min. And bcs I'm too tired to be able to think properly i'm sitting here contemplating a bizarre world where there is this slightest chance I MAY NEVER SLEEP AGAIN and I know there are reasons for it not to be necessarily so but I am TOO TIRED to remember them And I wish I could laugh bcs this is probably funny, I'm pretty much an adult now, I mean I am, that's what I am now - and I'm lying here curled up trying not to cry, bcs I want to, I really really want to, I can feel my lower lip trembling bcs I am so exhausted, I'm too old for this but I KNOW I'mn half pouting, and I feel so demented and desperate right now, I really fear I'll end up mad as a hatter, PLUS I LOOK LIKE SHIT, unfair, I should at least be allowed to waste away in beauty like those terribly taxing and fully unbearable heroins from authors I can't really remember right now and I just want to be able to fall asleep again, I need~an instant fairy tale ending, please. I need for someone, anyone, you, to come round, tuck me in, read me an absolutely magical bedtime story and make me fall asleep. ~JUST LIKE THAT. Instead I'll go buy books, in English, paperbacks, and clothes, because I'll try to keep busy, I'll try not to sleep this afternoon and who knows, maybe I'll get lucky, and I don't mean a SHAG- and if it is let it please please please let it be Morpheus or that freaking Sandman

Links to this post:



At 19/10/04 14:06, Blogger Dale said...

Would if I could. I'd read you "Farmer Giles of Ham," the perfect read-to-sleep book.

(I don't think there are such things as adults. Only people whose tantrums and meltdowns you haven't seen yet.)

It takes a certain strength of mind to keep yourself awake like that. Misdirected at the moment, maybe, but the strength is there to be used. It's a good thing to have a powerful mind. In the long run. But it's also a good thing to be able to get it on a leash, so it doesn't run away with you like this.

(Who I am to talk like this, I don't know; having slept three hours last night & meditated exactly once in the last week. My own mind has slipped the leash & been running wild for weeks now.)


At 19/10/04 16:34, Blogger The Lioness said...

Dahlingest Dale, I couldn't agree more. Pff. What makes it different and therefore puzzling this time is that I CANNOT pinpoint an underlying anguish - and this has always been the usual MO, big anguish = no sleep. I seem to have reached new realms! I'll have to do some dedicated troubleshoooting. Slept 3,5 hours and feel MUCH better. Will try new pill, if i break this cycle i'll be able to address this better - or at all!

At 19/10/04 17:09, Blogger Noorster said...

3.5 hours - well done!
I'd read to you from 'Tales from a Thousand and One Nights'. I used to read it every night to my roommate in the dorms (she suffered from all kinds of panic/anxiety disorders and had difficulty falling asleep at night). Since we don't live in the same city (let alone country), me reading it to you is bordering impossible. I do recommend you to read it yourself, though. (And there's even some graphic sex in it.)

At 19/10/04 20:34, Blogger The Lioness said...

I read them when I was a kid and they're not so boring so that can't be the book. Plus, I don't need sex talk when I'm tring to sleep, now do I.

At 19/10/04 21:00, Blogger Noorster said...

In that case I'll mail you a book one of my university professors wrote AND taught. Something about the basics of societal .... societal .... something (can't remember, it's gathering dust in the basement now). He devoted about fifteen pages to merely the definition of 'generic phenomenon'.
Yeah, THAT (and a bottle of vodka) would work.


Post a Comment

<< Home