Sunday, March 06, 2005

(o)

And this is why I am crazy abt Dale. Go here to understand why I found it particularly meaningful and fitting that he should leave one here.

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UPDATED: There are things I cannot do so well nowadays. I can't write much and when I do it's all abt Uzi. It makes sense bcs in my mind it's all abt him too, all the time. I can't read blogs like I used to - and that's funny, bcs till we heard he was truly and hopelessly dead I could, and it was a blessed distraction. I can rarely comment, which is no news. And some blogs I find particularly hard to read, like Paul's and Dale's. I think it has to do w the way they use language. Their posts are beautifully written, convoluted at times, woven w apparent simplicity. It's as though they bleed while they smile at times. They require my use of parts of me I cannot use right now, parts of me I don't know what to do with. I don't particularly welcome them now. Dale can take something like trees and spin a post that takes your breath away and causes you to see all of it. His site is the one I go into when I want to feel like the grain of sand I know we are, and like a miracle. Do you see now why he's especially hard to read right now? On another note, Dale also gives the best hugs (no, we never met. But you can tell. Must be a Buddhist thing.)

Yesterday I went to visit him bcs I miss him. I miss reading him. I miss the excitement of finding a new post, and i wanted to just check on him before I emailed him. I found the Pebble post (see link above). Dale had done his magic again and I was floored. I left a comment and he emailed me back, a very Dalish email, and he pointed me towards some posts of his. And if you go read Old Friends - which you should, you should trust me bcs right now I'm sitting on a cusp w the very beautiful and the very grotesque right by me so think of me as a temporary vessel for this sort of distorted truth and just go there - you will understand even more. And if you read Involution there you'll find grief - and he makes it almost beautiful, which is another Dalish thing, to make the grotesque sound not as ugly and not as deadly. Because maybe it isn't.

Dale's loom weaves little winged beings that, much like dragons, breathe down your neck and change your moment - but, unlike dragons, they are soothing and allow for a brief respite from madness.

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I sometimes doubt I can do this and retain a modicum amount of sanity. I bought 2 frames for 2 of his pictures. One is cerise and has a cat and fish engraved it in a quiet way, and in it there's a picture of U. and I from Purim 99. I'm wearing a red wig w braids, he looks like a queer pirate. The frame absolutely fits it, I'll get someone to take a picture of it so you can see it. The other one is white and chunky and has a picture of him smiling. It's a simple picture, taken right after we met, before we became a couple. He's wearing a green t-shirt and smiling. Just smiling. You would not believe how utterly gorgeous, young and pure he looks. I can barely bear to look at it and I cannot bear not to. Reminded me of this post bcs he truly does look some Archangel who deigned to briefly honour us w his presence - no pun intended - and yet so... human. You just want to reach in and grab him and have some of all that goodness touch you. I so want to reach in and grab him and touch him again, and tell him everything I haven't bcs I was too lazy, too busy, too alive and we had time right? There's always time. he's grinning at me as i write this, and how can I even be writing this, since it means he's dead and I'll never see him again as we were? I don't care if we meet again in a future life or end up happy as Spring sheep in the meadows of heaven right now, i want him here, where he belongs, I need to tell him things, I need to see him make his Chewing Camel face, I need to check out that incipient beer belly of his, I need HIM.

I really don't see how people do this and remain sane. I know they do but I don't see how.

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8 Comments:

At 7/3/05 00:34, Blogger Ed said...

(o)

 
At 7/3/05 07:43, Blogger Michael said...

I have heard that leaving a rock means affirming continuity. The Hebrew word אבן (rock) as a union of אב (father) and בן (son). To say: you are still with us, we follow your path, we, too, promote goodness as you did.

 
At 7/3/05 10:57, Blogger Ana said...

I know it doesn't make any sense and it makes you feel insane. The pain will not go away, it will merge into who you are and redefine you. That's the way it is and I'm so sorry.
Um grande abraço.

 
At 7/3/05 12:31, Blogger Savtadotty said...

Thanks, in the middle of your sorrow, for sending us to visit Dale's blog. It is a very fine place.

 
At 7/3/05 20:45, Blogger brooksba said...

Johnny,

I wish I had the words for you. I like the idea of the rock.

(o)

Love,

Beth

 
At 8/3/05 07:02, Blogger Lord Chimmy said...

Lioness,

You've fallen so hard...I'm just amazed to see you getting back to the blog. No one expects you to say as much as you've said, but we're listening when you talk. You are never short on words. Your writing is so vivid that it gives me a chance to see Uzi as you saw him. Thank you for sharing that with us.

 
At 8/3/05 18:20, Blogger Galloping Cats said...

I'm new to your blog. I just wanted to say how sorry I am.

 
At 8/3/05 20:50, Blogger Kristin said...

Johnny, I sit here crying for someone I never even knew. No, I'm crying for a friend who lost someone so very dear to her. Keep pouring your heart out and we will keep listening. We will help anchor your sanity.

 

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