Friday, February 18, 2005

Your very own household name

I don't know how my internet access will be or if I'll feel like writing at all. These are the people who, one way or another, will hear from me and will be able to post something on their blogs - at least I hope so, I didn't even ask them but I've only just thought of it and it's too late now. Lisa, Savtadotty, Squarepeg, who are in Israel and with whom I'll be talking and whom I may be seeing and it's such a shame it's all so horrible and ugly and i am sorry, I'll be wearing the brunt of my post-catastrophe madness and it's simply not fair for them. So B, L, S, S, I really am sorry it cannot be simply lovely.

I am actually calm now. My trusted friend Denial has been rubbing my shoulders and telling me how simply splendid it all is. I have been having vague - well no, concrete thoughts of receiving a phone call telling me there was a fingerprint mistake. My budding clinical mind is telling me I desperately need to attend that funeral. I imagine I will be very surprised if there is a coffin. I mean, it's rather obvious there will be one, I am flying to go to a funeral, but it doesn't make any sense bcs there CAN'T be a coffin, how can there be a coffin, it's ludicrous, is this a joke, stop that this instant, STOP IT YOU'RE SCARING ME NOW.

I have also not been able to get a hold of L. yet. I hope someone picks me up from the airport. Or not. I could actually just stay there. I'm bringing books. I could just stay there and read, instead of not being picked up by Uzi for the first time ever. Oh you've all helped me so much, so so much. Every email, every comment is a lifeline. For some reason, it's especially gratifying to read those from first-timers. I think it's bcs it's one more person who knows of him, who will think of him. I would like for him to be a meaningful household name. I want people to think of him, to know his face, isn't he so so very pretty? You haven't even seen the very good pics, but those will come, i am sure, there will be many a pic, as we used to say, on this blog. I've been thinking a lot abt it. I've been furiously dividing my time btwn thinking and a-thinking and it doesn't seem to make any difference, which surprises her no end, when I'm thinking I have a hole in the centre of me that is so heavy my breathing sometimes skip a beat and I feel like a diseased Atlas only it's not the world I'm carrying on my shoulders, it's the absence of the world and it always shocks me to the core how a void can be so overwhelmingly loud and fucking eloquent even as I'm robbed of everything but the most basic organic skills and some of those are gone anyway. And when I'm a-thinking it’s not that I am actually NOT thinking, it’s that I, as an entity, am temporarily gone and the film is paused. But the image is there, frozen, staring me in the face. Sometimes what I feel is so unbearable I am convinced my heart, the actual organ, will end up damaged from all the past tenses I am now forced to use, only “now” will literally last me a lifetime and I can’t seem to reconcile Uzi’s lack of future, my lack of him, w him being my past perfect and fuck me if this denial thing isn’t cracking its shell already STOP IT NOW



At 19/2/05 01:08, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh johnny - your vulnerable aching heart is so apparent in each word you type. yes, yes, we want to see those pictures. we want to hear any story you have. each time he picked you up from the airport would you go out for breakfast, play a favourite song? the so-wise janis had this on her blog the other day..
...we know he is dead, but now tell us how he lived....

whenever you want to.
xo tess

At 19/2/05 09:41, Anonymous Boulder said...

J - I'm so proud of you. I know traveling to say goodbye to someone you love is not the way you wanted to go back to Israel.

Your words you've written are so profoundly moving to me. You see, I've been a bit of a cave myself as it has been the anniversary of the death, no, murder of a friend of ours. I understand every word you've written. Sadly, I really get it. I'd prefer that neither of us did.

But our lives and our memories of our friends who've gone before us, are what keep their spirit with us. There are better days and there are worse days.

I'm so very sorry. And like everyone else, I'm here if you need me.


At 19/2/05 13:26, Blogger Savtadotty said...

J - I just called the kibbutz and left my number on their answering machine (Shabbat), to make sure someone is meeting you at the airport. I hope they know your flight details, cause I don't.

As for household name, I was visiting my 86-year-old "foster mother," a Tel Aviv since 1938, from Germany, and she knew about Uzi before I showed up, including his name, from local TV. Israel is a great place for remembering.

Johnny, I'm so sad you are going through this, but...and this is hard to say...the hardest lesson in life is to lose someone you love, and what you make of it. You are already making something beautiful.

At 19/2/05 19:09, Blogger Savtadotty said...

The kibbutz called back...someone is meeting Johnny's plane and bringing her home. I'll report on Cousin Lucy's Spoon when I speak to/see her.

At 19/2/05 23:44, Anonymous Allie said...


I'm a frequent lurker and first-time poster, and I wanted you to know you're in my thoughts. From your words and the pictures, it's so clear what a good, sweet (and very handsome) man Uzi was, and I can't even imagine what you are going through in mourning him. Can't even pretend to imagine your grief and loss. best of luck in working through this bullshit awful time...


At 20/2/05 01:26, Blogger Eliyahu said...

j, my sympathies to you. i was sent here by ren reb, and i read through your all your posts. you really are a lioness in your fierce love for your friend Uzi. please ask someone with you to give you the biggest hug since i can't. May your memories of Uzi be a blessing to you.


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