Your very own household name

I don't know how my internet access will be or if I'll feel like writing at all. These are the people who, one way or another, will hear from me and will be able to post something on their blogs - at least I hope so, I didn't even ask them but I've only just thought of it and it's too late now. Lisa, Savtadotty, Squarepeg, who are in Israel and with whom I'll be talking and whom I may be seeing and it's such a shame it's all so horrible and ugly and i am sorry, I'll be wearing the brunt of my post-catastrophe madness and it's simply not fair for them. So B, L, S, S, I really am sorry it cannot be simply lovely.

I am actually calm now. My trusted friend Denial has been rubbing my shoulders and telling me how simply splendid it all is. I have been having vague - well no, concrete thoughts of receiving a phone call telling me there was a fingerprint mistake. My budding clinical mind is telling me I desperately need to attend that funeral. I imagine I will be very surprised if there is a coffin. I mean, it's rather obvious there will be one, I am flying to go to a funeral, but it doesn't make any sense bcs there CAN'T be a coffin, how can there be a coffin, it's ludicrous, is this a joke, stop that this instant, STOP IT YOU'RE SCARING ME NOW.

I have also not been able to get a hold of L. yet. I hope someone picks me up from the airport. Or not. I could actually just stay there. I'm bringing books. I could just stay there and read, instead of not being picked up by Uzi for the first time ever. Oh you've all helped me so much, so so much. Every email, every comment is a lifeline. For some reason, it's especially gratifying to read those from first-timers. I think it's bcs it's one more person who knows of him, who will think of him. I would like for him to be a meaningful household name. I want people to think of him, to know his face, isn't he so so very pretty? You haven't even seen the very good pics, but those will come, i am sure, there will be many a pic, as we used to say, on this blog. I've been thinking a lot abt it. I've been furiously dividing my time btwn thinking and a-thinking and it doesn't seem to make any difference, which surprises her no end, when I'm thinking I have a hole in the centre of me that is so heavy my breathing sometimes skip a beat and I feel like a diseased Atlas only it's not the world I'm carrying on my shoulders, it's the absence of the world and it always shocks me to the core how a void can be so overwhelmingly loud and fucking eloquent even as I'm robbed of everything but the most basic organic skills and some of those are gone anyway. And when I'm a-thinking it’s not that I am actually NOT thinking, it’s that I, as an entity, am temporarily gone and the film is paused. But the image is there, frozen, staring me in the face. Sometimes what I feel is so unbearable I am convinced my heart, the actual organ, will end up damaged from all the past tenses I am now forced to use, only “now” will literally last me a lifetime and I can’t seem to reconcile Uzi’s lack of future, my lack of him, w him being my past perfect and fuck me if this denial thing isn’t cracking its shell already STOP IT NOW