Too much worse now

It's becoming so much worse, now it's real you see, now it's becoming clear I lost him, I'll never be able to ring him again, make him laugh, hear his voice, nothing else matters, I've lost him for good, I've just told his mum to say goodnight for me when she goes to the cemetery in a while, there will be a woman and her best friend and her dead son, my best friend, dead, all oif him dead, under the rubble again, seems like he camn't escape that, once again buried only now he's dead which must be a welcome change, i cant drive from A to B, all that silence all that time to think, without a rivulet of tears down my cheeks all of a sudden, seems to have happened overnight, i'd been wondering why i'd cried more over really non-important things (well there's the answer) and then it happened, I know I«'ve written it here before, i've talked abt it, but see, this is what I now know, this is what my bones, my sinews, my tendons and cells are screaming, MY TIG IS DEAD, he is dead, do you understand, Uzi is gone, he is gone, he was taken from me, he died a horrible death, the tsunami was on sunday and he'd arrived on bloody thursday only bcs they hadn't liked Bangkok, too loud, too many israelis, let's go somewhere peaceful, let's rest in pieces why don't we, let' take her worst fear and make it real for ever and ever, let's not say goodbye, let's just die and be gone for almost 2 months, i know i went to tyhe funeral, i know i saw the grave, and the coffin - and funny, Lila thought it was so big, I found it so small - but he wasn't really dead you see, he truly wasn't - but then it was my birthday and the phone didnt ring at all, he'd never EVER not have rung me, he might even have got his shit together and sent me a present, probably some native blue fabric, which he'd send from israel bcs getting his shit together on time to send it from thailand would have been too much for him, i typically got his postcards from Europe actually from israel after he got back, and a few days ago i came across a post-it that i remember was inside a box of books he'd sent me unexpectedly - see, i love the title of my blog, I love the quote, but it's a bit of a requiem now bcs it so very much breathes Uzi, it absolutely does, I fell in love w it as we were still in love w each other and then even when we weren't anymore we still loved it and it was one of OUR things, and lying atop the books was this post-it that said:

Which will surprise u.
tig