Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Too much worse now

It's becoming so much worse, now it's real you see, now it's becoming clear I lost him, I'll never be able to ring him again, make him laugh, hear his voice, nothing else matters, I've lost him for good, I've just told his mum to say goodnight for me when she goes to the cemetery in a while, there will be a woman and her best friend and her dead son, my best friend, dead, all oif him dead, under the rubble again, seems like he camn't escape that, once again buried only now he's dead which must be a welcome change, i cant drive from A to B, all that silence all that time to think, without a rivulet of tears down my cheeks all of a sudden, seems to have happened overnight, i'd been wondering why i'd cried more over really non-important things (well there's the answer) and then it happened, I know I«'ve written it here before, i've talked abt it, but see, this is what I now know, this is what my bones, my sinews, my tendons and cells are screaming, MY TIG IS DEAD, he is dead, do you understand, Uzi is gone, he is gone, he was taken from me, he died a horrible death, the tsunami was on sunday and he'd arrived on bloody thursday only bcs they hadn't liked Bangkok, too loud, too many israelis, let's go somewhere peaceful, let's rest in pieces why don't we, let' take her worst fear and make it real for ever and ever, let's not say goodbye, let's just die and be gone for almost 2 months, i know i went to tyhe funeral, i know i saw the grave, and the coffin - and funny, Lila thought it was so big, I found it so small - but he wasn't really dead you see, he truly wasn't - but then it was my birthday and the phone didnt ring at all, he'd never EVER not have rung me, he might even have got his shit together and sent me a present, probably some native blue fabric, which he'd send from israel bcs getting his shit together on time to send it from thailand would have been too much for him, i typically got his postcards from Europe actually from israel after he got back, and a few days ago i came across a post-it that i remember was inside a box of books he'd sent me unexpectedly - see, i love the title of my blog, I love the quote, but it's a bit of a requiem now bcs it so very much breathes Uzi, it absolutely does, I fell in love w it as we were still in love w each other and then even when we weren't anymore we still loved it and it was one of OUR things, and lying atop the books was this post-it that said:

Which will surprise u.
tig

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21 Comments:

At 12/4/05 21:35, Blogger Diana said...

I'm sorry that it is becoming more and more real in jabs and jags and big searing gouges. I'm sorry it hurts so bad. I'm just sorry.

 
At 13/4/05 01:02, Blogger Jen P said...

Oh my friend, I'm so sad for this sorrow. I'm so sorry it reaches in so deep and I'm sorry it's even reality.

Nothing of this sort should ever, EVER, happen. I hope your beautiful memories give you comfort sometime in the future and that your heart can heal slowly.

Thinking of you.

 
At 13/4/05 10:39, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I could say something that would help, I would. If there were some way I could think of to offer comfort, I would.

It is always so hard to know what to say.

I ache for you, I really do.

 
At 13/4/05 11:18, Blogger brooksba said...

I'm so sorry. I know the reality sets in and it's so hard. All I can offer is comfort and I know it's not enough. I'll be giving you big hugs in less than a week. I'm sorry.

Love,

Beth

 
At 13/4/05 11:58, Blogger CarpeDM said...

Johnny,

I so wish I was there to be able to sit and cry with you. But soon. I am looking forward to seeing you in all of your ings - laughing, crying, worshipping, singing, etc.

Love,

D

 
At 13/4/05 15:46, Blogger Kristin said...

Oh Johnny...I am so very sorry. The sorrow and loss just oozes from your words and I so wish I could help ease the pain. I hope one day memories of Uzi can bring you comfort instead of pain.

 
At 13/4/05 17:53, Anonymous Danae said...

The part where the numbness starts to wear off and reality starts to sink in is the absolute worst. I'm so, so sorry. My heart hurts for you.

 
At 13/4/05 18:33, Blogger annebrev said...

Ahhh, Lionness... I am so, so sorry. My heart goes out to you. There are not words enough to address the grief. I am just so sorry.

 
At 13/4/05 22:55, Blogger Dale said...

(o)

 
At 14/4/05 08:01, Blogger squarepeg said...

just holding you in heart and mind ... personal numbness prevents further outpouring ...

 
At 14/4/05 10:50, Blogger Afrodite said...

Ola! Vi que visitaste o Blog da APA. Não sei que ligacao tens a Portugal, mas como vi aqui um post com algum portugues (ainda que com nomes de medicamentos...) fiquei curiosa.

 
At 14/4/05 16:39, Anonymous Soper said...

four days before my 18th birthday, my lovely, beautiful friend Michael killed himself.

I hear in your voice the pain I felt those first few years, and oh J, I am so sorry.

It gets less raw, but it never goes away....

 
At 15/4/05 04:47, Blogger Lord Chimmy said...

No one is ever ready for something like this and, unfortunately, reality doesn't give anyone a vacation.

I'm sorry that these emotions are hitting you so hard.

 
At 15/4/05 16:38, Blogger ThreeBees said...

I am so sorry for all this pain and sorrow. . . thinking of you. Many hugs for you.

 
At 15/4/05 17:25, Blogger amyesq said...

I am just so sorry. My heart hurts for you.

 
At 15/4/05 22:45, Blogger sirbarrett said...

I'm really sorry. Your blog and your things and all the little places where surprises hide are all him. There are more waiting for you. It must be hell. You don't deserve it. It can't be helped. *Hug*

 
At 16/4/05 23:45, Blogger K|nneret said...

I'm sorry. Ze lo fer.

I hope peace and healing come in time.

 
At 17/4/05 01:02, Blogger ontheface said...

I know what you mean. Love to you.

 
At 18/4/05 11:50, Blogger Ana said...

J, I'm so sorry. I wish there was more I could say but I'm at a loss of words.
Many hugs my friend.

 
At 19/4/05 00:46, Blogger twisteddragonfly said...

Reminds me of an old saying: They were one souls, split in two.
Dear sweet Lioness, I am so sorry that this is the reality of your life right now. Three and a half years ago, it became my reality as well. It is a pain that cuts deeper each day. It will not ever go away. You will never not feel it. But with time, it becomes a good kind of pain in a way, making your Tig all that much more special.
Don't despair, Lioness.

 
At 19/4/05 05:17, Blogger DeadBug said...

Thinking of you...

--Bugs

 

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