The Pride Proudly Presents The Abysmal Beta

Now we know we have The Little Embryo That Would Never Have Been Able To.

6w4d post conception date: 1654.0

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking ab, the value should be btwn 15.000-200.000. See the humungous difference? Small matter of a decimal, or two.

I did go to the private hospital bcs, even though I do live in Europe's armpit [and Kath has just decided she lives in its nasal passage, Kath Kath Kath, why am I not surprised that you are hilarious], it was my fault. See, I used the old card. The dead one - no pun intended. *Self-kick* I am feeling very guilty bcs I lied to the dr so I'd get an u/s and a beta, I did. I set the dates back 3 days and told him I had been running a high fever the night bfr and had passed a clot again but surprise, my cervix? Firmly closed, thank you. This Little Embryo That Can't doesn't seem willing to give up just yet. We also couldn't see it so well, whereas yesterday we could. Now, maybe that's the machine, the dr. did say the ecograph was just for emergencies - whom do we have to sleep with to get a good u/s is what I'd like to know - and its resolution wasn't the best but I doubt it. What do I mean I doubt it, the beta has spoken, the end. Or on its way there.

Also, our waiting room was the passage to the new babies ward, and my infertility blogs propensity has taught me that that cannot but be an absolute mind fuck for women who didn't know there was a problem until something starts going wrong, who have been trying, who have maybe been going through hell to get a positive test. As you can see, my lovelies, I am fully educated. No pictures of babies, I'm happy to report, just tasteful flowers. Oh, and bloody shmaltzy Enya - on repeat, I was ready to start banging my head against the wall to drown it out. How is that soothing?? And not one trashy magazine to be seen.

[The ashamed bit has more to do w exposure in general than the miscarriage itself. I have always feared exposing myself and blogging has taken care of most of those irrational fears. No one has been less than kind when I reveal things I find profoundly shameful. This comes to mind. In a way it's been just a matter of extending what I'd learnt abt psoriasis to all the rest of my life, carrying your fucked up genetic code for all to see either breaks you or teaches you it is not something you have to feel guilty abt all the time, often both. In one highly particular way a miscarriage is easier to handle, people don't literally step back afraid you'll infect them w he same vileness, less potential for feeling like the village leper and wondering when the natives will start offering little bells for you to ring at crossroads. ]

The funny thing abt this is, I know, I KNOW that so many of you are feeling worse than I am right now, and I feel like a bit of a fraud bcs I am not feeling much really, and I am more pissed off at failing the exam tomorrow (that is an absolute certainty) than anything else right now, and I am sorry if I've caused you pain in any way - bcs I seem to be able to get pregnant, and it was oopsy of sorts and I know how hard for many of you that was, or bcs I've reminded you of your losses. I am all right, I really am (will tell parents after 2nd beta on Tuesday, might as well be able to tell them w absolute certainty so there's no room for their hope). I don't know if I'll remain this kind of all right till the end, or if it'll eventually sink in much further but for now, the closest I came to crying was when I saw the beta levels, and even that was more bcs of the embryo than bcs of me, poor thing, nowhere to go but down and still hanging on by the skin of its neural tube. Even our non-viable offspring are stubborn.

Fag, anyone?

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UPDATE: Oro has done it, Oro has made me cry with her kindness. Fuck. So maybe this miscarrying thing is harder than I thought it was going to be. Maybe I shouldn't be suprised but I am. I am beginning to think I may be the only one surprised, maybe it doesn't matter so much whether you were trying, maybe a loss is a loss is a loss.