Sunday, April 09, 2006

The Pride Proudly Presents The Abysmal Beta

Now we know we have The Little Embryo That Would Never Have Been Able To.

6w4d post conception date: 1654.0

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking ab, the value should be btwn
15.000-200.000. See the humungous difference? Small matter of a decimal, or two.

I did go to the private hospital bcs, even though I do live in Europe's armpit [and Kath has just decided she lives in its nasal passage, Kath Kath Kath, why am I not surprised that you are hilarious], it was my fault. See, I used the old card. The dead one - no pun intended. *Self-kick* I am feeling very guilty bcs I lied to the dr so I'd get an u/s and a beta, I did. I set the dates back 3 days and told him I had been running a high fever the night bfr and had passed a clot again but surprise, my cervix? Firmly closed, thank you. This Little Embryo That Can't doesn't seem willing to give up just yet. We also couldn't see it so well, whereas yesterday we could. Now, maybe that's the machine, the dr. did say the ecograph was just for emergencies - whom do we have to sleep with to get a good u/s is what I'd like to know - and its resolution wasn't the best but I doubt it. What do I mean I doubt it, the beta has spoken, the end. Or on its way there.

Also, our waiting room was the passage to the new babies ward, and my infertility blogs propensity has taught me that that cannot but be an absolute mind fuck for women who didn't know there was a problem until something starts going wrong, who have been trying, who have maybe been going through hell to get a positive test. As you can see, my lovelies, I am fully educated. No pictures of babies, I'm happy to report, just tasteful flowers. Oh, and bloody shmaltzy Enya - on repeat, I was ready to start banging my head against the wall to drown it out. How is that soothing?? And not one trashy magazine to be seen.

[The ashamed bit has more to do w exposure in general than the miscarriage itself. I have always feared exposing myself and blogging has taken care of most of those irrational fears. No one has been less than kind when I reveal things I find profoundly shameful. This comes to mind. In a way it's been just a matter of extending what I'd learnt abt psoriasis to all the rest of my life, carrying your fucked up genetic code for all to see either breaks you or teaches you it is not something you have to feel guilty abt
all the time, often both. In one highly particular way a miscarriage is easier to handle, people don't literally step back afraid you'll infect them w he same vileness, less potential for feeling like the village leper and wondering when the natives will start offering little bells for you to ring at crossroads. ]

The funny thing abt this is, I know, I KNOW that so many of you are feeling worse than I am right now, and I feel like a bit of a fraud bcs I am not feeling much really, and I am more pissed off at failing the exam tomorrow (that is an absolute certainty) than anything else right now, and I am sorry if I've caused you pain in any way - bcs I seem to be able to get pregnant, and it was oopsy of sorts and I know how hard for many of you that was, or bcs I've reminded you of your losses. I am all right, I really am (will tell parents after 2nd beta on Tuesday, might as well be able to tell them w absolute certainty so there's no room for their hope). I don't know if I'll remain this kind of all right till the end, or if it'll eventually sink in much further but for now, the closest I came to crying was when I saw the beta levels, and even that was more bcs of the embryo than bcs of me, poor thing, nowhere to go but down and still hanging on by the skin of its neural tube. Even our non-viable offspring are stubborn.

Fag, anyone?


UPDATE: Oro has done it, Oro has made me cry with her kindness. Fuck. So maybe this miscarrying thing is harder than I thought it was going to be. Maybe I shouldn't be suprised but I am. I am beginning to think I may be the only one surprised, maybe it doesn't matter so much whether you were trying, maybe a loss is a loss is a loss.



At 9/4/06 16:35, Blogger Carrie said...

Stopped by via sorry to hear what you are going thru - i think i will have one of those fags...thank you very much. (Although in the US the term fag represents something VERY Oh well - I'll have one anyway.

At 9/4/06 17:30, Anonymous Kath said...

Yes, a loss is a loss is a loss. And I'm so sorry about what you're going through. Sad greetings from the nasal passage... (Are there ever any other kinds of greetings from the nasal passage?)

Hugs. And don't feel guilty, please, about fibbing to get seen. Being in limbo like this is too distressing to bear.

At 9/4/06 20:16, Blogger Tertia said...

so sorry my darling friend.

no matter what your mindset was before, this is still horrible.

sending you lots of love and smooches


At 9/4/06 20:33, Blogger CarpeDM said...

It is a loss. And I'm so sorry. Love you much.

At 9/4/06 21:22, Anonymous Orodemniades said...

O, but you deserve no less, and much, much more.

A loss is a loss.

You and Loverboy take care of one another, y'hear?

At 9/4/06 21:30, Blogger brooksba said...

I'm sorry Sweetie. I'm thinking of you and wish I could give you a big hug.

At 9/4/06 22:01, Blogger Udge said...

Oh, isn't Life a bitch? I'm so sorry to hear this, and wish there was something useful I could say or do. Big hugs from Germany.

Be kind to yourself, and to each other.

(On Saturday morning, I heard a woman in the library speaking Portuguese. She looked much like LB's photos of you, and I had to restrain myself calling out "Johnny?")

At 9/4/06 22:53, Blogger Nancy said...

Even coming as a surprise doesn't make it easier, does it?

Bad week for both of us my dear, on opposite ends of the spectrum, but bad.

At 10/4/06 02:30, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, hon. I wish I had the right words to comfort you, but I know there are none. Just know that I am thinking of you.

At 10/4/06 02:51, Blogger Robber Barren said...

I'm so, so sorry for your loss, Lioness

At 10/4/06 08:56, Blogger paulmonster said...

Oh my dear Lioness. I am so sorry. Nothing but loving,


At 10/4/06 09:39, Anonymous Boulder said...

Have been where you are and know it is a mind fuck (technical term, sorry).

Don't worry about the telling of "tales" that you did - a woman does what she needs to in time like these. Given the choice I would have done the same thing - perhaps even more so.

My best thoughts are with you, darling friend. Please take care, and do something kind for yourself and Loverboy.


(PS - Don't mean to be callous, but want you to know this: You mentioned the GA issues you have - they may be able to do a twilight sedation instead. You would responsive to them, but remember nothing really. Otherwise, they may be able to do a methotrexate shot. Beware, though, that you may want drugs to deal with that last option. Some do fine, some have pain. Have them on hand, just in case, if you go that route. Or for a natural miscarriage as well, no sense having to call upon a doctor if you can have a prescription ready just in case.)

At 10/4/06 10:51, Blogger Ana said...

I'm back and I answered your email properly. I'm here if you want to go out for coffee or something.

At 10/4/06 14:02, Blogger Diana said...

I'm sorry. I'll just hope for you to be surrounded by love and that what ever the path, that it is as painless as possible.

I'll also hope for a miraculous performance on that pesky exam. Really! At such a time as this, to be bothered with an exam. You should get a free pass.

At 10/4/06 15:08, Anonymous Emma said...

I'm so sorry for you, even if this was an oopsie pregnancy it must be an awful time for you.

Good luck with everything.

At 10/4/06 23:37, Blogger Jen P said...

Dear Friend, I know we don't talk much these days, our lives have drifted apart, but you remain one of the kindest souls on earth.

A loss is always a loss. Whether that baby was planned for, unplanned, wanted and loved, a cause for surprise and anger, whatever, that baby is/was/will always be YOUR baby.

Everything I've read here sounds very much like my second miscarriage in Sept 04, espeically with the fever and chills. Passing the clots, the membranes, the placenta was the worse to pass.

I opted to NOT have a D&C (big, stupid idea) and it's something I regret. Passing pieces of what could have been hurt more and more each day.

A baby isn't just a number or a chemical process or fetus -- it becomes an expectation, a series of plans, a series of emotional responses and that baby, however loved or not, becomes part of you.

To this day I still hurt from that loss. And that was my second.

Take the time you need to grieve. Even if this was unplanned, came about at the wrong time sort of thing, it's still your thing. And being the beautiful woman that you are, your heart will feel it.

Miscarriage brings out the fighter in us. It also brings out the hurt.

I'm so very sorry. So very, very sorry.

Given the time difference, if you want to email anytime I'm sure to receive it.

Lots of love,

Jen P @ therubberband .com

At 11/4/06 11:26, Blogger Serialangel said...

I'm so sorry I missed this I was out of the house doing teenagery things...I'm so sorry. I will join in with a couple of fags and croak that a loss is a loss and every loss has to be catered for, even though I'm not entirely sure what I'm saying. I guess I mean it'll sit with you until you're ready.

Do something nice for yourself and give Loverboy a hug from me, ok?

Betty xxx


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