Saturday, April 15, 2006

Shittier than not

I barely sleep these days. When this all started, abt a week ago, I'd fall asleep easily and wake up too early. Now I fight falling asleep, have bad dreams, sleep lightly and wake up every time I blink, it seems. Stupid cat pawing things off the nightstand all night long isn't helping much either. And I'm weak, I can barely walk small distances without having to rest for a bit. Meh.

Last night saw a flurry of tears bcs I still don't fit in all my clothes (also what happens when you quit smoking and, in my case, what continues happening after you resume smoking), my hair looks disgusting, no one seems to understand Portuguese when the time comes to highlight it, plus I seem to have managed to expel an embryo in the course of a week and not very proficiently at that.

I am more exhausted now than right after the D&C. Bloody hormones.


PS - Bulls and Jesus seem to go hand in hand here, bullfighting is rampant in the country and why not add some spice to your bloodless Easter. A bull escaped in a city in the Algarve and roamed the streets for a good while. Cars were damaged, a few people were lightly hurt, the police ended up having to shoot the bull and managed to graze a civilian as well. This was a gentle bull [cabresto]. Now tell me I do NOT live in the armpit of Europe. Go on. I'll wait.



At 15/4/06 22:24, Blogger Savtadotty said...

OK, OK, Loverboy it is. "Emanuel" is much too formal for someone who both an Israeli and an ex-New Yorker. Does Loverboy have any proper Portuguese nicknames?

At 15/4/06 22:48, Blogger Miz Hatbox said...

I had the sleep-disruption thing after my miscarriages too.

I don't know what to say that might come close to being consoling, except that I'm so sorry it happened and so glad that you have safely made it through.

At 15/4/06 23:14, Blogger Lala said...

It does get shittier before it gets better. I'm sorry about that.

At 16/4/06 02:59, Blogger Jen P said...

ditto Lala.

It took about 50 days to feel better for me. But I refused the D&C (dumb thing to do) so hopefully it will be soon.

Thinking of you and E (I didn't like Manny either!) and hoping you two are resting well.

And hormones can be blamed for the weight. Always.

Love to you.

At 16/4/06 04:03, Blogger Lilian said...


I just wanted to let you know that I came here from Manuela's, but I have visited many times in the past and I did read the whole story. No words, except that I just couldn't believe that right in the middle of it you had to interrupt to correct your audience on the right pronunciation of Dr. Jorge's name in Portuguese. Of course I totatly know where you're coming from because I'm Brazilian and I get annoyed when Portuguese/Brazilian names are pronounced like Spanish ones (Jose is the one I like the least). Anyway, you're just unbelievable - I was sad and worried, concentrating on the story, and then came that and I started laughing... :)

I hope you feel better soon, though I'm in no position whatsoever to give you any advice.

(I also read another blog in your list Lisbon Mama's, so you may have "seen me" there before).

At 16/4/06 05:27, Anonymous Manuela said...

Oh, darling... mood swings and weight issues... yes, yes... the joys of recovering from a miscarriage. You must have lost so much blood... no WONDER you are feeling weak these days... be gentle with yourself.

As for Loverboy... with our names being so similar I understand comPLETEly about the 'Manny' thing. NOBODY... and I mean NOBODY ever lives to call me that twice.
So don't even think about it. Even as a joke. Because some things just aren't funny. Ever.

At 16/4/06 05:28, Blogger The Lioness said...

See, the good thing abt being awake at 5 am again (stupid cat) and only having 5 comments is that I can a) answer them bcs b) they're manageable. (Apologies to anyone coming after)

S., Manuel is shortedn into Manel but Emanuel has no nickname, sorry. Treppenwits calls him LB, don't know if that helps. Manny is really too funny for our ears!

Miz Hatbox, I tried to leave a comment thanking you a few days ago but Livejournal treats me as spam bcs of my IP. I fully missed celebrating Pessach this year, I went out for dinner w my parents and Emanuel and even that was too much - I looked 4 months pg afterwards, actually very scary. Taught me they were not kidding when they prescribed rest. I've had this type of insomnia bfr when my best friend died, I know it will get beter, I've decided to try and not let it bother me too much.

Lala, it does doesn't it. Stupid thing.

Jen, sadly, they cannot. This weight has been hanging around for months now - though everyone says I've lost some, which is amazing bcs I am eatting all right. Maybe there's hope still. 50 days, *shudder*

Lilian, I've left you a comment but well, if I am going to feel miserable and spread the love anyway I may as well ensure a gramaticcaly-accurate environment. José? How abt Joaquim? Yowza!

At 16/4/06 05:45, Blogger The Lioness said...

Manelinha, comPLETEly?? [I just cracked myself up as you'd say w his Manelinh thing, wish you could hear me say it oh the fury!] CUtE! Now, now, Savtadotty meant well and it's true, there's nothing like Israelis when it comes to butchering names - say, Gavriel is Gabi (*furball*), Binyamin is Bibi - blech, you get the idea.

Actually, here a Manuela will have to fight all her life against being a Nela (néluh), which is a fate a bit worse than death. Just be thankful.

At 16/4/06 06:28, Blogger CarpeDM said...

This is not good. I hope you get some sleep soon and feel better. I hate to think of you feeling so weak, you always seem so strong to me.

Hugs to you and Loverboy!

At 16/4/06 13:24, Blogger Timmi said...

Hi, its my first time to your blog page and i must say I spend more than one hour, reading many of your posts...found interesting too..and I have it now on my favourites list...
we shall be in touch more frequently...!

At 16/4/06 13:39, Blogger brooksba said...

Oh sweetie. I wish I could help with an idea how to sleep better.

Armpit of Europe? Now, I understand that a bull running around, damaging cars and people getting slightly hurt is one thing, but I have to say, it was wonderful to be in Lisbon. I keep looking at the pictures, remembering spending time with you in person, and the entire trip and longing to be back. Not to offend any other Europeans, but I found Portugal to be the nicer place of the European countries I've visited. Maybe it was just the experience, but the people are so friendly and it is sheer beauty there.

And if you're in an armpit, I have to wonder about my hometown. That must be somewhere in the nasal cavity. Maybe my high school was just a giant booger. Okay, sleep deprivation is kicking in with me too and I'm getting odd. Sorry.

Love you lots! Give Loverboy a squeeze and hugs to the girls. I'm glad Loverboy is with you and that you are with him during this time.

At 16/4/06 16:01, Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

Your hormones are crashing from the jolt of the embryo being removed. It will be better very, very soon, I promise.

(By the way - the good thing with you hanging out with those of us who have been through it is, you are guaranteed a vast, sympathetic, understanding audience. You have no idea what it's like to go through it alone, with people who don't know what to say and so they say stupid things, and to have no one to turn to. For which I am grateful and feeling even a bit lonely for!)

At 16/4/06 19:17, Blogger Lilian said...

(I had a whole comment written, then went to upload some pictures [see below] in my blog and it was gone... :( )

I got your comment in my blog, I'm sorry you weren't able to comment when I posted Blues' pictures, I'm posting some more right now for you, OK?

Oh, yeah, Joaquim is one of the worstly "distorted" Portuguese names when it's prononunced like Spanish. I guess we Portuguese speakers get tired of everyone assuming Portuguese names and words are like Spanish ones - in my case it's a bit worse because here in the U.S. most everyone assumes that we speak Spanish in Brazil, since it's in South America (sigh).

As for Emanuel's name, I have a friend with this name in Brazil (he actually moved to D.C.) and we'd call him Manu ("Manooh"), which is not very good, but much better than the now infamous nickname "Manny" :) I was also amused at Manuela's comment about it. Yeah, "Nela" or "Lela" even would be possible nicknames, Manuela :)

At 16/4/06 21:05, Blogger Dale said...


At 16/4/06 21:54, Blogger Udge said...

Well, I liked "Manny" (ducks and runs)

And you, my dear L, get the gentlest possible kick in the butt for not following the doctors' orders. Force yourself to relax, and grant yourself the time to recover. Hugs and sleep-inducing thought-waves from Germany.

At 17/4/06 00:23, Blogger Henri-V said...

Hey! I came upon this saga as the curtains were closing.


Love and comfort to you and Loverboy. You are surviving, not unscathed, but having a family together is well within your realm of possibilities. It is it is it is. The roller-coaster, the disappointment, the loss, and the pain -- all are things I am so sorry you and your beloveds had to experience. I don't believe that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"; I think it can maim or break you if you let it (we are all capable of being knocked off our stools, the hope is that we can crawl back aboard, and it is never guaranteed), but I don't think you are one to be maimed or broken without a claws and beak fight.

Your writing scorches earth.

hugs, miss. thank you for all the details and frankness. it's a beacon.

At 17/4/06 14:58, Blogger Ana said...


I'm so sorry you're not getting any sleep, you must be so tired. I hope you get some soon.

I'm sorry I didn't comment on your post about the D&C. It's just that when I read it it brought back some apinfull memories (2 D&Cs in 4 weeks, remember?) and when I was finally ready to re-read it and comment this post was already here.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know I read it and I thought about you the whole weekend.

Now I want you to rest and take very good care of yourself. You deserve it and you will feel better.
Oh and, congrats on Loverboy's job. That's the best news!!


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