Thursday, March 10, 2005

High On Dead Bits

There's loads I wanted to say but it will all be hopeless bcs I am high on stupid phormol. I am, really. Phormol - aka formaldehyde 37%, formaline, methane - is what is used in our vet school to keep organs and organ parts in. So they keep, you see. (Solemn pause while I enjoy these last 2 sentences. Really, who says I CAN'T write? Green-eyed twat and all that.) Anyway, I really am having a hard time writing this bcs there were 21 pieces of organs for us to examine and they were all soaked in phormol, reeking of it.

Let me tell you, phormol induces the most hideous headache. The class started at 14.00, it's now 20.00 and the little garden gnomes who lodge in my brain are still gnoming. It makes the eyes water and the throat itch bcs it's terribly, TERRIBLY irritating . I looked like some seriously distraught ingénue in class, tears rolling down my cheeks, eyes red and swollen, Professor tenderly shoving a piece of gastronomic delicacy tripe my way as I almost fell off the stool REPEATEDLY trying to keep my distance. NAUSEATING. Three hours of this, I tell you, three hours looking at toxic pieces of intestines and stomachs and kidneys. It would all have been very interesting actually if:

a) I could have actually SEEN said bits;
b) my head weren't throbbing like a motherfucker;
c) phormol weren't actually carcinogenic.

Oh you read so right. CARCINOGENIC. CAR-CI-NO-GENIC. As in, cancer-inducing. I kept wanting to press a button to lure the friendly spacesuited men in bcs surely that can't be good. My professor walked around dripping phormol, LITERALLY. His gloves were full of the stuff, there were little pools of it in them bcs they're so bloody short [Alright this is what I want to know, and this time capslock IS screaming: WHEN WILL SOMEONE INVENT LATEX GLOVES THAT COME ALL THE WAY UP TO THE ELBOWS? MUST I RESORT TO RECTAL PALPATION GLOVES WHICH ARE NOT FLEXIBLE ENOUGH?] But don't take my word for it, go read here. Oh the joys of Southern Europe. At around 16.30, 2 and a hald hours in, some of my colleagues started fanning themselves like mad and crying as well, or just generally complaining abt the smell. Seems I'm more evolved, finer-tuned receptors, see? Oh the joys of me.

It still hurts.

Moving on. Lord Chimmy [if you visit prepare for INSTANT myopia. Just saying...] gave me this link. It's a video of a dog who was born without the front legs and is now... a biped! Yes. It IS an amazing video, please go see. Kudos for her not having been put down bcs of it. Reminds me of a woman I saw in a Children of Our Times documentary [BBC of course - BOW NOW], who has no legs or arms to speak of and is raising a child on her own. Fucking amazing, these are the brave ones, these are the ones who make me feel I don't have much to complain abt (oh ok, maybe not so much now but in general).

Kristin emailed and asked how I am doing. It surprised me bcs I'm not sure. I think I'm alright. I'm not crying though and that's not a good sign for me. I know how I react to things, I know how I ruminate. Therefore, I don't think the worst is over yet - actually I know so bcs the truth is, Uzi, my Tig, is not dead yet. He just isn't. And this after I went to the funeral and had the actual proof before me. It's still not real. When it becomes real, ahhh hell, the shit will hit the fan and all surrounding soul structures.

This reminds me of something that puzzles me. Some of you have told me, in comments and emails, that I am strong - let's not turn this into a "Oh yes you are, are too, ARE TOO!!". I really am not fishing for anything, just want to talk abt it. I find it bewildering bcs I don't think I am all that strong. I don't think I'm handling this in a particularly brave or wise way. I'm trying to survive w my remains reasonably intact. I really do NOT see it. Also, some of you are surprised I'm writing again, so soon after his death. Let's digress shall we.

I've always read and I've always written. Those are simply things I do - better yet, things I must do. I am an amazingly fast reader. My definition of the perfect holyday is loads of heat - not one iota of cold anywhere - and a book a day AT LEAST. When I go abroad and buy books - which is always - I actually have a very hard time leaving the hotel/friends' house bcs I want to stay in and read. REad, read, read. I am given grief by all sorts of people who decide I cannot be really reading. I mean, you turn the pages but you're not really reading are you. You don't really UNDERSTAND the story do you. Like, when he met his aunt, what did she say? Oh. Ok but what abt when the car turned up? Well nevermind, what colour was his jumper on p.27? WHAT, YOU DON'T REMEMBER? I KNEW YOU WERE JUST SKIMMING THROUGH IT!

Well, this is very annoying. I am a fast reader. I'm sorry you're not. I'm sorry it takes you a month to finish a book. Fuck off already.

Also, I write. I write when I must, not when I want to. I once wrote a story, it's 17 pp longs. I BLED. It actually wrote me. It took abt 5 years from beginning to end bcs I cannot write just bcs I decide i want to. This is the most amazing thing I ever wrote and it took FOREVER! The suspense nearly killed me. It's also the most bizarre thing I ever wrote and I remember my surprise - and delight - when a fully new character simply showed up. Out of the blue [HA! Little pun here for those in the know]. I really did not know he was going to appear (there were only 4 characters to start with and i knew that was it) and I couldn't wait to write more so I could see how it ended. Sometimes a friend would say "How does it end, I need to know!" and I'd just exasperatedly say "I know, SO DO I!!!" What, I need this? It's not like I have any power over it you know.

Re Uzi, sometimes I feel bad and I need to write abt it. Sometimes I feel bad and I cannot face words at all, I cannot even read [worst sign of all]. Sometimes I feel good and need to blog abt it. Sometimes I blog to try and find out how I am, to make sense of it. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm going to say. At the end of the day, my not being able to blog is an indicator of things gone bad, as is my not being able to comment or even read other blogs. The past couple opf days have been good and I try to use those to go say hallo.

Oh, almost forgot, there's one more thing I want to say: I BLOODY LOATHE FIREFOX! Thank you, I DO feel better. CSI on tonight. Play amongst yourselves now.

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11 Comments:

At 10/3/05 20:11, Blogger brooksba said...

Hi Johnny,

"Sometimes I blog to try and find out how I am, to make sense of it." I get this, completely. Sometimes I don't know how I feel about something until I actually put the words down and let the conscious flow.

Still listening, anytime you need me.

Love,

Beth

 
At 11/3/05 01:31, Blogger Dale said...

Whew, finally got through. Blogger comments are not working very well today.

Now what was I going to say?

I don't know, except lots of love, and I hope you don't mind my curling up in the crook of your elbow :-)

 
At 12/3/05 02:59, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Green-eyed twat? But what of the organs that you spoke? Were they not fine enough to describe?

 
At 12/3/05 03:34, Blogger Lord Chimmy said...

Formaldehyde is horrible stuff. I don't know why it is still used. It totally does make you loopy. My limit is about an hour if not less.

Instant myopia...would it help if I increased the size of my font from tiny to normal?? I'll think about it.

 
At 12/3/05 16:51, Blogger Noorster said...

So now that you've tricked me into using Firefox you're suddenly hating it?

 
At 13/3/05 19:41, Blogger CarpeDM said...

Ewww. I can't imagine how you get through this. I think I would have fainted the first moment I stepped foot into a room like you describe.

Finally I can comment. Stupid blogger has been driving me insane lately.

Anyway, like Beth, I'm here. Love ya!

 
At 13/3/05 21:46, Blogger Daphna said...

How funny about the books. At some point-age 7 I think-reading just clicked and I just became a speed reader. My mother used to quiz me on books b/c she refused to believe I was actually reading that fast (especially since I had a lot of problems in kindergarten and first grade with my reading-they thought I was slow). Eventually she realized that I really was reading and understanding the books and let it go.

As for the "oh, you are so brave" stuff--without going into details--been there, done that, know exactly what you mean--very, very annoying. What are you supposed to do? Curl up and die. You go one day after the next; it can be tough there really is not that much choice in the matter.

 
At 13/3/05 22:27, Blogger Ed said...

Wish I could read that fast.
Then maybe blogging wouldn't take up so much of my time. :)

What's wrong with Firefox, by the way?

 
At 14/3/05 12:19, Blogger The Lioness said...

Firefox is too much of a bother. It doesn't let me underline stuff, it now takes forever to publish a post, it simply gets stuck and, my drop-down menu flickers incessantly and, most annoyingly, it doesn't let me use the arrows to go up and down, i must use the mouse. When I try to I go all the way to the top or the bottom, nothing in between is acceptable.

I never could see the problem w IE anyway.

 
At 14/3/05 12:21, Blogger The Lioness said...

Dale dahling, anytime. that was one magnificent post, I keep going back to re-read it. You lot, go here: http://koshtra.blogspot.com/2005_03_01_koshtra_archive.html#111050062296756842

Heartbreakingly gorgeous.

 
At 14/3/05 12:22, Blogger The Lioness said...

Joe, give me some time and I'll post some. Is that what you're saying you want?

 

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