Monday, May 08, 2006

How Lil' Lioness went and got her arse shrunk

Lil' Lioness has had the Buttocks Blues.

She quit smoking ages ago, always a mistake as it turns out, and gained 4 kg (8.8 lb). Lil' Lioness being the focused sort, she’d apparently focused on gaining them on her rump. Not her face, where they might do some good. Her rump. Said 4 kg stayed put upon resuming smoking. Smoking isn’t merely stupid, it also lets you down.

Rumpy-not-so-little-anymore Lil' Lioness suddenly didn’t fit into her pants, oh the horror. No really, THE HORROR. She was hoping it was a phase, and well, it was. A phase borrowed from some universe where days last 72 h and phases stay put.

Lil' Lioness bravely hit the shops, and the adjective is sadly accurate. Bravery was what it warranted. Lil' Lioness cannot see the point of having yellow lighting in a country of sallow skin. [Oh all right, some are olivey but they too look icteric.] Lil' Lioness cannot see how carnival mirrors help sales, sobbing women are less inclined to spend money plus they need the bills to pay for the therapy that comes after retail therapy. Lil' Lioness and her friend actually physically recoiled from their reflections when they unexpectedly came upon a mirror. Her friend does not look like a cube in real life, nor does Lil' Lioness actually look like a wine vat. When you see women stumbling out of a shop, white-faced and anguished, please be kind, they went in to try and find pants. They are shell-shocked. They will be thinking But I look awful, why hasn’t anyone told me bfr that I look this awful? And now Summer is coming and I can no longer walk around wrapped in a blanket and tell people it’s the latest trend in the Appalachians!

No amount of male flattery will help these women, they’ll just snarl at the well-meaning souls as their pupils become elliptical. They know, see. They saw it. They’re broken.

Eventually, they’ll forget abt it enough that they’ll think it’s safe to venture in. Again. It is not that women cannot learn. They simply have a had time believing the universe really means to bugger them. Personally. Surely it can’t be that bad. So in they go and the lighting, the lighting, oh how it hurts! Courageously they stand bfr the pants wrack, elegantly wondering What the fuck is fashion coming to and who chooses these models bcs, see, they were sure the 80’s were over and the torn jeans look were sort of passé even then, how can one be requested to give 30 euros for something that looks like it was not only white-washed but personally chewed and spat out by the friendly foreign workers? And this is Portugal, my friends, not Belgium, not Scandinavia, Portieland, where the men are short and the women shorter, where they typically have short legs and fertility-inducing arses and, dare I say it, a touch if the belly, who could possibly have decided to send boot cut (good), low-waisted (nightmare, a nightmare, some of us dislike the thought dialysis!), tight (aaaargh!) models to the Land Of The Stumpy? [Lil' Lioness seems to have had an infusion of foreign genes for she is taller than most and doesn't look Portie but even she goes in and comes out stocky.]

Thus one cringes often when walking the streets, praying for Trinny and Susannah to fall from the sky. They are needed.

So.

Lil' Lioness.

Now recovered from her little What, a cub you say? For me? Surely you jest Ah Ah AHAHAHA. Now attending classes again. Now on the streets again and not in that way, though it’s not unfair to say the harlots seem to dress better than she does right now, nor that they’d surely have more clients. The bleakness of it all.

Yesterday Lil' Lioness dragged a friend to an impromptu pant hunt. She needed someone to physically carry her out when she passed out from shock and hit her forehead on the stupid mirror and bled all over it and by Golly it would serve them right. The landscape was fraught with the usual perils, the ones that left her blind [OHMYEYESMAKEITSTOP!] and the ones that left her wanting to curl up into a ball and weep in the changing room.

And then, and then!

And then she had a brainstorm. Man pants. In she went into a shop and look, lovely army-green cargo pants. And look, they fit! And in she went into another shop and look, lovely dark-blue cargo pants, and look, they fit as well!

And thus our Lil' Lioness learnt that Portie men are more femaley than their women bcs the pants were wonderfully cut in a feminine way, normally-waisted (actually, thin-waisted), needed no belt and they were magical as well - you step into them and half of your butt disappears. HALF. Lil' Lioness was beyond herself and actually couldn’t speak the first time she put them on and stepped out to show them to her suffering companion, she could only stand there wide-eyed and point at the previously vast region of her derrière. It was gone! GONE! In a parallel universe a woman was surely screaming upon waking up and finding she no longer fit into her pants and where had THAT come from overnight and she should never have stopped smoking.

Lil' Lioness is the cold-hearted sort and is simply happy that THAT went somewhere.

Lil' Lioness now has the ButtRocks Swing, sistahs!


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21 Comments:

At 8/5/06 15:59, Blogger Diana said...

Man pants? MAN PANTS!!!

I could kiss you (and I think I will, *smooch, smooch*). Maybe that will be the answer to my arse problem, which sounds like your arse problem, only without the ciggies, only the lovely baking frenzy that is the winter.

Now I need a nice man pants store.

 
At 8/5/06 16:08, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Where did the half go when it dissappeared?

 
At 8/5/06 17:21, Blogger Ana said...

Man pants, who'd have thunk it! I may try some of those next time, though I seriously doubt even they will do something about my arse. I'll let you know how it goes.

 
At 8/5/06 17:25, Blogger HomeFireBlue said...

Oh hell yeah.

Unfortunately all my blubber is in my belly and I have no arse (I suffer from Noarseatall), so a lot of men's pants just make me look like a tubby guy with tits. *sigh*

And why is it that the trousers fit better, are better made, AND less expensive over in the men's department? Hmmm?

-Blue

 
At 8/5/06 18:57, Blogger The Lioness said...

Always nic to be osculated by you, Diana! Do give them a try, I think it might work! And then let us all know.

Joe, you're not reading carefully. The woman in the parallel universe has it now. Poor cow.

Ana, having seen your ass I am almost certain it can be done. I found mine at Springfield, in Col.

Blue, that is a shame. I don't think the low-waisted trend will do much for you either, isn't it the pits? Maybe cargo pants with a female cut would work though. Eh. Good luck to us all, it sucks rock regardless of the shape, as I see. Also, men pants here are 10 Euros more expensive! Ten more! Why?? Ball space? Bah.

 
At 8/5/06 20:26, Blogger brooksba said...

Dahling! Man pants are the key? Awesome. While I adore the fashion of boot cut (in which my mom cries, literally, "Bell-bottoms?!?"), I am sick and tired of low waist.

I HEART Lil' LIONESS.

 
At 8/5/06 23:21, Blogger Agent Sierra said...

Love the new profile, pic....

...and you just described exactly how I feel buying pants. WHY must it be so demoralizing?

 
At 9/5/06 04:10, Blogger Magnificent Trout said...

You mean it isn't just my country? I'm going to start a campaign to have fluoroescent lighting BANNED in change rooms.

 
At 9/5/06 10:54, Anonymous Kath said...

Greetings from the parallel universe.

Thanks a LOT.

 
At 9/5/06 12:15, Blogger Dale said...

Oh, hell. I'm glad you found pants that fit, Johnny, but this is not flattery, it's the pure truth of male exasperation: you're already gorgeous, we're drooling over you, if you had any pity you'd stick with the Appalachian blankets. You and all the other women despondent about that extra 4kg. For God's sake, how beautiful do you want to be? Isn't life hard enough for us already? Sheesh.

 
At 9/5/06 12:31, Blogger The Lioness said...

Beth, yes, enough of the low waist, down with the low waist! Da hell?? Lil' Lioness hearts Beth!

AS, yes, I was feeling pissy there, post D&C. Still am. Long post, still to come. It's a fairy conspiracy, it's all I can come up with.

MT, oh no, you as well? What is this? YES, YES, I'll help you, let them be abolished worldwide, it's horrific! Who makes those marketing decisions? I'm back to the dainty, toothy fairies, what else can it be?

Kath, I think I adore you. :DDDDD But you know, it had to go somewhere. Pass it on quickly!

Dale, where to start? YOU'RE A MAN! This is something you cannot even begin to understand. I heard the same thing from Loverboy, you all go shave or trim some masculin appendix. My pants wardrobe is gone! It's a disaster! How do you spell beautiful? What beautiful? It's a crisis, it really is, the sort of crisis that demands a hotline, didn't you read the comments? I'm not alone in my suffering. 4kg can and do change the topography of the earth - and more! Indeed if I had any pity I'd stick with the blankets, I'm trying to find a way to leave the house though.

:P

 
At 9/5/06 17:19, Blogger M said...

(o)

 
At 9/5/06 17:24, Blogger cat said...

Ahhhh Manpants... they are something special ain't they? Manshoes are as well.

 
At 9/5/06 20:11, Blogger Udge said...

Yeah, what Dale said :-) and laughs to Kath.

 
At 10/5/06 01:55, Anonymous noorster said...

On top of bad lighting, one of the Zara shops in Budapest has slightly distorted mirrors that make you look wider. I'm not making that up.

 
At 10/5/06 02:39, Blogger Lilian said...

This was hilarious and very very interesting. My SIL who has big hips and a tiny waist (she's also quite short) actually loves the low-waisted pants...

My problem here in the U.S. is to find pants that aren't too long for me (I'm 1.60 m tall), since they don't really have the nicer pants in "petite" or "short."

 
At 10/5/06 02:54, Blogger The Lioness said...

M, (o) back. When will you reactivate the old blog? A new one?

Cat, oh they ai, they ai! Man shoes are trickier, I wear a 40 usually but rarely come across a pair of boots I like or can wear.

Udge, yeah yeah yeah, like you even know what we're discussing. When you start having arse trouble - well, then you can talk!

Noors, I wasn't joking abt the cube and the wine vat either - and that was in Zara too!! It's pandemic! What can they possibly be thinking with those mirrors? WHAT?

Lilian, I like low-waist as well but I don't want to only wear that all the time, gets to be tiring - and cold. But look, you can always have them hemmed, that's not too bad. Our girls are now tripping constantly due to current fashion vs actual height. Too funny to watch at times!

 
At 10/5/06 23:41, Blogger Dale said...

Sigh. I confess, I am a man, and therefore disqualified. So let me just tell you what I hate, passionately: every ten years or so Martha picks up a photo of herself from ten years before and says, in a really startled voice, "I really was pretty then, wasn't I?" And I want to smash things. And I restrain myself and don't say, "You were fucking gorgeous then and I told you so and you didn't believe me! So do you believe me now?" But no, she doesn't believe me now, and we'll roll along for ten more years and do it again, and I expect to keep doing it as long as we live. And all that time she'll have been beautiful to me and ugly to herself and I just HATE that.

 
At 11/5/06 07:32, Blogger paulmonster said...

My housemate has the same predicament regarding pants. Whenever she expresses her dismay that she has to go to the men's department for pants--let alone that we of the testicular variety get to indulge in the best quality pants when it comes to durability and utility--I simply say to her;

"that's the price you pay when 'baby got back.'"

'baby got back' is a reference to a sexist early hip-hop anthem from the late 80's/early 90's. Sir Mix-a-Lot was purportedly celebrating the unconventionally beautiful dimensions of black women in America. Specifically, he was singing in praise of big booty.

Whatever feminist objections I do in fact raise against Sir Mix-a-Lot (that song is the direct progenitor of the most unfortunate stuff in hip-hop right now), I happen to think that big booty is really quite lovely, and that a lot more women would be a lot lovelier in my eyes if they just wore sensible, voluptuous man-pants. This low-rider crap is starting to piss me off by comparison.

 
At 11/5/06 18:56, Blogger CarpeDM said...

I think I love Dale and Paulmonster. And you have made me laugh which is normally wonderful but has now reduced me to a quivering, gasping bowl of bronchitis laced Jell-O.

This cracked me up in other words. And this is really why I hate shopping. In my world, though, the world of the Beyond Pleasantly Plump, I pretty much try to make sure that the shirt I am wearing is long enough to cover the gut and the arse. I always look like a box. But! A box who weighs 12 pounds less!

 
At 16/5/06 23:38, Blogger Serialangel said...

Man-pants. I have to say I love men clothes. I have big boobs, big tummy, big thighs and a big arse, so man-wear suits me perfectly. And the tops are long - I really really don't want to show my stomach (whenever it crops up it looks like a builder's tummy and sends me into panic attack)But I have curves (kinda) and with man pants it can shape figure better. Fit into jeans...oh you've got me dreaming. I might get an all man outfit later on oh Lil' Lioness you've got me full of ideas!

Betty xx
ps: thanks for likng my photos!

 

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