Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Of pachiderms

Nothing much to see here, words behaving like birds today.

Sleeping is still a problem, or rather, the waking up after a few hours is. A few days ago I was woken up by a furballing cat on the duvet at 4 am - always at 4 am - and couldn't go back to sleep till 9 am. Does wonders for my intelligence and wit. I promptly opened up a new post window and stared at it for abt an hour. I was trying to address D.'s comment but I still cannot, other than to say, it wasn't abt taking the high ground at all, sure, we need to fight back but I don't see how actually fighting with them when there were more of them than us, when our group as a whole doesn't know how to fight - are you joking? Take a look at the photograph again, do we look like we can kick any ass other than our own? I had to quit my krav maga lessons bcs they all came from martial arts and the pace was unbelievable so I ended up sparinging something every single time and only learning how to actually have the shit beaten out of me by someone who wasn't actually trying to hurt me but there you go, that's the sad amount of my proficiency and fitness. Also, they carry knives they are wont to use, we do not. Believe me, I have been thinking abt it and daydreaming of physically hitting them. I might never but I would dearly have the skill to, that'd give me some more security, that would give me a mental edge. As it is, how should we have handled it? I'm not being snarky, I really want to know what you think we could/should have done. Sad as it may be, if I ever got in a fight with some low-life neon*azis and managed to break a few noses and cause a few hard-to-heal bruises and verlasting scars - it'd be lovely! You think I'd feel bad for my fellow humans? Er, what fellow humans would that be? As it is, unless we decide upon an essay contest or wit, I will lose, easily and fast. My being stabbed or beaten into a pulp WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST CHANCE OF FIGHTING BACK, and this is the important thing to remember, won't do much to bring us out of the ghetto as far as I can see.

The title is not abt my cervix, all seems to be healing well. Experienced quite a fair amount of discomfort all of last weekend, unable to stand for long periods again and generally achey. My most excellent and knowlegdeable doctor friends told me it's a good sign, means the endometrium - which was scraped raw, all squeaky clean - was regenerating. Kudos to my endometrium then. I mean the other sort of elephant.

I haven't been mentioning Uzi a lot. I still think abt him so often it surprises me but no longer speak abt him here all that much. I feel like it's all been said bfr. More than that, I think I have lost the ability to say it. I'm often left staring at the screen. But I had this miscarriage and I couldn't tell him. And I know he'd have said at least 2 wrong things bcs he'd be tripping all over himself in his haste to comfort me, and it would have shocked the bloody hell out of him (though maybe it'd have enticed him to send me some garinim) (oh and books) - but I don't care. I don't care much what happens after we die, we cannot know for sure and by the time we do it's all a bit moot. Maybe I'll see him on a higher plane and we'll travel together as blue light blablabla. Maybe I'll reincarnate as his mother, sister, dog, owner. Fabulous. How does that help me? How does that help me now? I want him now, I need him now. NOW.

As I said, nothing much to see here.

-----------------------

I may be even dafter than I fear, I very effectively forgot to write abt the most important thing: my dreams. Fitting theme for today. My dreams have been populated by babies, it's a constant pregnant landscape. I am either fleeing trying to save my babies or someone else's. People are wonded and dying and dead and as a bonus often have pieces of their faces missing, and I talk incessantly in order to convince them to help me. I run all the time, renn Lioness renn, and wake up fragmented. The most telling dream so far was one where I ran and ducked and held guns and used them and dodged bullets and looked among the ruins for survivors (gorillas take a long time to die, I'm afraid) and then finally managed to have my baby - but Uzi was too late to witness the actual birth of our child. Often when I dream of him I know he's dead and therefore spend most of my time trying to squeeze the life force out of him, as it were, trying to hold on to him, to memorise his voice, his laughter, the way his shoes sounded on the pavement, the way he walked and smelt. I have often not been able to listen to what he was saying bcs I was trying too hard to keep all of him in. This time I didn't, and from within the anger that I feel over how the whole miscarriage process was conducted - very incompetently at times, I'm still putting it all together -, from within the loss that I came to feel, this is what stands out the most, the old one, the pervaisve one, the abrasive one. I am still whole but there used to be more of me, THERE USED TO BE MORE OF ME. That embryo might have been something but it never was, it couldn0t be, I can let it go peacefully. Uzi was everything and I sometimes sleep throug it. THIS is still what hurts the most.

It doesn't much matter what you lose does it. At the end of the day, all pain gathers together namelessly in the pit of you, dragging you down, dragging you down...

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10 Comments:

At 25/4/06 19:48, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Lioness, "there used to be more of me" was a punch to the gut -- oh how I felt those words. And oh how I want to protect you from those dreams and those losses.

 
At 25/4/06 20:00, Blogger brooksba said...

No words from me will bring you the right comfort. I wish I could do so much to help you and still none of it would bring back your losses. I'd say that I hope the dreams settle down, but I also realize that the dreams are a time that Uzi is there, you can feel him then.

If there is anything I can do, I want to. I miss you.

Beijos

 
At 25/4/06 22:10, Blogger Udge said...

{{Lioness}}

Poor L, I do feel for you and wish I knew the magic words to ease your pain. Big hugs and encouraging thoughts from Germany.

 
At 25/4/06 23:06, Blogger Dale said...

But the other nine tenths *are* filled with penguins, remember. You gotta give them their due, too.

(I wish I had something to offer beyond affection and my old threadbare buddhist schtick, but I don't. Hugs from Oregon, dear.)

I wrote a rather pissy comment to d., along your lines, but I'm afraid less polite, which I'm glad I had the restraint not to post. As Patton said, "No poor son of bitch ever won a war by dying for his country. You win a war by making the other poor son of a bitch die for *his* country."

 
At 26/4/06 09:47, Blogger Ana said...

I'm so sorry my friend. I wish there was more I could say to make you feel better nut please know I'm thinking of you.

(PS: you commented on my blog with Emanuel's login and you didn't sign it. Imagine my surprise when Emanuel's first comment on my blog ever was about Zara's lighting and mirors!)

 
At 27/4/06 04:00, Blogger Diana said...

So. To sleep, perchance to dream. Eh. What a choice. Sucks all around.

There will be more of you again. Truly. We expand and contract like the stars do.

(Big, Messy, Sloppy Hug.)

 
At 27/4/06 04:42, Blogger Savtadotty said...

You used to blog so eloquently about your insomnia. Now you're doing the same thing about bad dreams. Does this mean the insomnia is cured?

(Couldn't resist the wise-cracking...it's what I do, sometimes inappropriately, sometimes not.)

 
At 27/4/06 15:32, Blogger D said...

Ok, things are a bit clearer to me now. I got the distinct impression you derided E. for his male chauvinist behaviour, and certainly most of your commenters seemed to agree that that was the reason one should refrain from reacting at all, and they were in fact agreeing with that course of action.

Without going into too much detail (for obvious reasons), I can say I have some experience in this matter. Apart from a solid background in martial arts and soldiering, I was also at one time involved with an Amsterdam-based organization that used to guard Shuls and other places where Jews are known to congregate. These days aren't the only time security was as basic a need as it is today.
Suffice it to say the people in that group were willing, able and ready to act against anyone who was deemed a real threat. They also would always be present at occasions such as you told us about.

If what happened there is anything more than an incident, a one-off, then you should very seriously consider organizing. Get martial, both on an indivdual level and as a group. Talk to Jewish policemen, (ex)military, anyone who is sympathetic and is aware of the fact that the authorities usually refuse to even acknowledge there is even a problem (let alone act on it).

If I come to Portugal again (perhaps this year, otherwise certainly 2007) we can talk about this, if you like. I'm sure I'd have less trouble convincing E...

FFS. Have none of you ever read Mila 18? Exodus? Stop being a victim. If there absolutely HAS to be a victim, let it be anyone but us. Preferably THEM.

 
At 27/4/06 18:48, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lioness,
haven’t been around for a while and then when I did, I didn’t have the right words to tell you that also here somebody thinks of you and wishes she could comfort you somehow. I know how it feels when that yearning for someone you love, someone you can never be with again or someone you lost, eats you from inside. „I got a whole in my soul…“ How to deal with that? My brother (who is really smart :)!) taught me „never attach your heart to things“. Well, for material stuff things are set then, I could leave my favourite book behind in this very second and walk a few years through the desert, if thats the thing to do. But about people? We are humans, we get attached to people, we love. And there are so many out there to love, cause each and everyone is the unique point where the appearances of the world meet, only once like this, once and never again (I borrow from H.Hesse here and it’s translated shi..y probably). But in the course of time we are just sparks that lighten up and vanish. So how to deal with that, damned?! (sorry). Brother says: live NOW, love NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW. Don’t search too much for the one you lost in yourself. Search for him in the persons surrounding you, in the persons you meet, in the persons that love you. And you’ll find the one you lost over and over again and in the tiniest little details and with this he’s always with you. And you’ll find much more too, new things, new loves, new trust and confidence, new brothers and sisters in mind. Achi, I said, thanks but still I’m glad you didn’t become a priest or politician… (He is a civil engineer reconstructing old houses and does much better business there :) Anyhow, he helped me focusing on things I didn’t value enough.

PS: as for the short neon*azi guys (made the same observation considering height :)) I don't really know which is the right strategy. Tried ignoring - but they are there even if we pretend they are not. Tried smiling - which astonishingly makes them really insecure at times. Fight is always an option if someone denies your right to share this world, should be a late one though. (and I'm talking about basic rights here, not about "ideas" or "ideologies" that turn some industries rich. but I'm going to far here I guess.)

Xibuk, Lori

 
At 28/4/06 03:26, Blogger Lord Chimmy said...

Where have I been?

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

 

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