Thursday, December 02, 2004

And all is well with some of my favourite Warriors UPDATE

NOTE: I apologise for the endless updating but I had a horrible night w very little sleep and am extraordinarily dense today. But I think now i've said all I wanted to say.

I've
been waiting for Julie to post before I myself posted about this because I was being superstitious but after this horrible night of worry because she was going to post and didn't AND hadn't answered any of Tertia's messages (fell asleep after 9 am) I'm through with superstition and just very very VERY relieved she's alright (thanks Danae). Bloody hell.

These are the news: Julie had her Bat, sex yet unknown to us, Julie will EVENTUALLY get round to telling us SOME DAY, a preemie but doing well (do you know what this means??? BAT IS HERE!) (Oh, forgot to add, T. knows the sex and asked us to place bets, I've always felt it was a girl, tonight I dreamt it was a boy but the dream was literally a nightmare so - I'm just happy Bat is doing well, that's all I care abt at this point). Julie, after almost dying, is also fine and I suppose will remain so until Tertia gets her hands on her. Tertia's twins (Adam and Kate) are doing great and she had a lovely shower yesterday over at Lauren's. And Jen P, Grrl and Jo ARE preggers as well - it's like a bloody epidemic and ABOUT TIME!!!

So MAZAL TOV to all of you and the very best of British - and babies, you stay put please please please God! I never dreamt I would one day have trouble falling asleep and then have hideous dreams because of a woman and a baby I never met, never heard, never saw, know only through her posts, however brilliant they are. NEVER. I've never really talked to her, we've never really emailed each other, she only knows me from reading my comments on T.'s blog - and I care this deeply. About her, about them, about their hopes and pain, about their miscarriages, their failed treatments, their abuse by trolls, their pregnancies, their babies.

These
women cannot just be happy when they get pregnant. It's no Kodak moment. They know there's a good chance it will not last. You will not see them write "I have fantastic news, I'm pregnant!". Instead, words like SHIT and FUCK will be employed. They are more likely to panic than to cry for joy. There might actually be panic AND crying. And there will be guilt because of all the others. They will very likely feel overwhelmed and think they cannot go through X months of not knowing if this baby is going to make it. Too often the baby doesn't. Again. [BTW, miscarriages are NOT like in the movies, trickle trickle little star, ALL DONE. It can be far more painful, morose and ugly than that. For them, it often is.] They will be afraid to buy baby clothes, baby furniture, all things baby-related because everyday may be the last so why jinx it. They will fear going to the surgery for check-ups even as they feel relieved by going because there's the chance of there being no heartbeat. No one is more surprised than they are when the baby reaches the safety weeks and still they worry, all the time. Even if the baby is born alive and healthy, and even if the baby does survive and thrive, they remain infertiles for ever, it never goes away. They never forget their dead sons and daughters. Good things don't happen to these women very often.

And
then you have the ones who watch others get pregnant and feel desperately happy for them, and desperately slapped by life at the same time because it should be them also, why can’t it be them? Why can’t they get pregnant? Why can’t they stay pregnant? Why must it hurt this bad EVERY FUCKING MINUTE OF EVERY FUCKING DAY? They turn bitter, they lose faith, they isolate themselves, they feel worthless. My heart breaks for them, I read their posts and I want to comfort them, I want to offer some hope and I absolutely cannot, how can I convince them they are beautiful, what can I say that will make a difference, especially since I’m not a proven infertile? So I say nothing and feel absolutely powerless. Imagine what THEY feel.

So
please God, protect my Sisterbonnet and their tiny ones. And protect the ones who are suffering so much and may never heal.

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8 Comments:

At 2/12/04 21:55, Blogger Jen P said...

Oh Lioness, it's not very fair to play with a pregnant ladies emotions!! Thank you so much for wishing me blessings, it means the world to me.

And your writing about the fear...it's so true. I fear every breathing moment and yet, oddly enough, I feel immense joy and wonderful and awe.

For so long I was stuck in that hell of seeing other's blessed and it hurt so much, and to know that I am causing someone grief...it makes me wish I could remove my little one and give him/her to someone else. How I wish I could do that. Minute after minute I wish it.

I too worry about Julie. I was so scared to hear she had developed HELLP and gone into emergency C-sec. Gah. I can't imagine how scary it was for Paul to be so close to losing his wife and child. Thank goodness she's ok, and I hope she is healing well and Bat grows stronger day by day.

As for Bat's sex...not too sure, but suddenly baby went from Batman to Bat. Could they be that telling by dropping the man part? They're much trickier than that...so I'm expecting some sort of loophole. A real bat, perhaps?

I'm dreadly tired too, am facing yet another night of insomnia. Gah. Perhaps we should chat on MSN or something similar. Then I can occupy your mind and vice versa during these sleepless nights.

Best wishes with your classes!

 
At 3/12/04 04:48, Blogger Meh said...

you rock my dahling friend

 
At 3/12/04 05:18, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A lurker here, just wanting to let you know that Julie has posted. :)

 
At 3/12/04 12:28, Blogger Ana said...

I don't know what to say really. I guess you just described how I will feel once I get the two lines and start wondering if it's a baby or cancer.
At least I had the blessing of one "normal" pregnancy before all hell broke loose.
I admire your ability to observe and understand others emotions.

 
At 3/12/04 21:37, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So beautifully said.

xxxooo,
Emily
scrambledeggs

 
At 4/12/04 01:30, Blogger Lala said...

Wow! I had posted something but it never appeared. It was something along the lines of thanks for listening, you're a sweetheart sister. I think the thing all the Infertile Myrtles appreciate most about the Lioness is that she "gets it". Thank you.

 
At 5/12/04 00:58, Blogger elswhere said...

I was surprised at how moved I was by grrl's announcement. Moved and still anxious...

BTW-- my mom says she's been trying to comment and also to e-mail you but everything bounces back. I told her she can send them to me and I'll fwd to you. So she wasn't ignoring you, just stymied by technology ;-)

 
At 5/12/04 12:46, Blogger The Lioness said...

Jen P, that could work except that you're what, 10 h behind? Add me to your contact list and we'll see how we can chat, your early morning should be my afternoon. And tell us how things are w Andy will you.

Anon, thank you so much, i did miss it because I had to turn in eventually - and THAT's when she chose to post, figures.

Elsewhere, thanks, I've been over to you Mum's, blogger is tricky at times, she shouldn't worry though, it's alright. I won't feel neglected! :DDD

T., A., E., L., I wish there was more I could do, somehow getting it doesn't seem like much.

 

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