Dear Mr. Bad Guy:

Please be bad. Please be mean. Please abduct me and keep me locked away somewhere till all madness ceases. I am begging you.

I will NOT survive this Christmas season.

All Lisbon has gone mad. Cousins and uncle arrived, Cousin's daugther, bless her, behaving like a spoiled brat, all high-pitched and generally annoying on purpose. We recently discovered she hardly has any sense of smell, very bad. Could be high-pitched ultrasonic sonic sounds are tied to poor hearing also, very worrisome. I always prepare everything so that I will NOT have to leave the house during these days but to go to my parents'. Cousins STILL HAVE SHOPPING TO DO, had to drive places along with the other three million and four ants. HAVE BOUGHT LONG UNDERWEAR (capilene). [If I were brave enough (and had permission) would post INANE MSN chat I had re the subject. I'm too daft for words, so painful] You will never believe the only colour available. Powder blue. Powder blue, I ask you. Will feel impossibly dorky, never mind that no one will see it. Could I look any more innocent, whitey and naff in it? No. Bloody hell. The fabric feels cheap, amazingly so considering each piece cost 44 Euros. At least will never freeze my butt again during a necropsy in the anatomy shed, intend to use it till summer. Also got 2 pairs of knee-length mountain socks. Regular Pipi Lange Strumpfe (minus the monkey and not so scary-looking hopefully, the freaky kid). Blah.

Mother is on a rampage: skin = bad, cold = bad, skin + Canada = cold = bad; how will you eat??? = bad; exams = bad, not studying every waking hour of day = bad; state of car inside = dusty = dog hair = never mind that it was hoovered recently = I should also be hoovering every waking hour of the day = v bad form = bad; table at flat entrance with wooden flowers = apparently bad; hair in a bun, please make sure you don't go around LOOKING QUITE LIKE THAT ABROAD = bad; me = too thin = probable severe anaemia = too little protein in diet = will be serioulsy ill oh dear oh dear = take these vitamins with you but [cousin:] MAKE SURE YOU DON'T OVERDOSE = bad.

So you see, Mr. Bad Guy, my preference would be an abduction to a quiet place WITH CENTRAL HEATING (bcs it's beautiful and v v cold here now) and loads of books and cable TV. NO RANSOM NOTE PLEASE. You could return me on Saturday afternoon so I can pack. It would really be most kind of you and I hope you will give this plead serious consideration. Am at the end of my bloody tether. Alternatively, I need either to be shipped to Canada like NOW, never mind the clothes, or to be clubbed on the head with mighty strength. Or you could just shoot me. Any old shotgun will do.

Regards,
Lioness