In which instructions are handed out by the tonne

I was woken up at 9 today. Even though I slept very little, this is fabulous: I WOKE UP WHILE IT WAS STILL MORNING. Because I was actually awake at a reasonable hour and hadn’t seen my parents in over a week (bad insomnia makes me shy away from company), I thought I’d join them for lunch. I was very much looking forward to leaving Lisbon and spending time with them, the weather is dreadful, very grey and rainy-y and rather funny smells wafting in from the river (I swear I sometimes surprise myself with the verbs I know) - so I drove to the beach.

I got home and sat down with my mother talking about my impending trip. I had a feeling it might amuse me - you see, I DO know my parents. My father was expected to burst in through the door at any moment saying “Look what I’ve fished today!” [NOTE: read, my father strolls down to the beach and waits for the fishermen’s boats to return, and then he chooses the very fresh fish HIMSELF, and in between talks to other fishermen about, you know, fish and the weather and other deep stuff, and returns home with said fish feeling very cleansed and accomplished bcs he both engaged in an ancient outdoorsy manly activity - i.e., fishing - and is a true provider, bringing home his catch for his mate and the cub to eat. My father is adorable.] So I sat with my mother and we talked about my trip till he came home and then we talked about the trip some more and eventually my father connected to the modern world and said:

“What? You’re going to CANADA??? When did this happen?”
I looked at my mother.
“Er, did I not tell you? I’m sure I told you she’s going to Canada! Oh you’re impossible, you never remember anything!”

My father is possibly the most scatterbrained person I know, so much worse than me, and can at times barely find his way back home. From that moment on all was surreal.

L: Well yes, it seems like I’ll be playing around in the snow after all.
Mother: SNOW!!! DEAR GOD, snow, but of course! You couldn’t possibly, OH YOUR SKIN, my poor child!
[NOTE: the sun and the warmth are good for my skin. Because I’ve had psoriasis since I was 5 (very unusual) I cannot remember a time when the fams were not sun-worshippers but it gets out of control. My mother has rung me on really cloudy days to say “Please get out in the sun!” - and they live 5 min away from me so it’s not likely the weather will be that much better in my neighbourhood.]
L: what about it?
M: you need to go to a warm place, oh how someone with P can travel to a place where it’s that cold I can’t fathom! Couldn’t you go to the beach? I thought you'd go to Israel the moment you had money!
L: I couldn't possibly go back to Israel when Uzi is travelling the world, it wouldn't be the same, I'll wait till he comes back. And besides, it's exotic! SNOW! I need to do something different. I’ll probably be less cold there than here, inside the house anyway.
Father: She is old enough to decide where she wants to go, you know, she should have fun!
M: She’ll never be old enough that I don’t know what’s best for her!
[Yes.]
F: Will there be Eskimos?
L: I’m sorry?
F: Eskimos!
L: No, no Eskimos, they’re in the other direction. I don’t think I’ll come across many Eskimos.
F: So what about exams?
L: I told you, they’re later this year but I’ll take some books with me.
F: DEAR GOD, BOOKS!
L: ???
F: The weight, think of the weight! You mustn’t carry too much weight!
L: I’ll only take a couple, don’t worry!
M: Oh promise you’ll take good care of yourself!
L: It’s CANADA, not a labour camp for pity’s sake!
F: Well yes, but you have to listen to me, you can’t carry too much weight, you never pay attention to your back so listen to me carefully: you must never bend over, I see you do that all the time! You must flex your knees! [brief heated discussion follows, in which the merits of the verbs “flectir” vs “flexionar” (roughly to bend vs to flex) are discussed], ALWAYS bend your knees when picking something up! Like this: [demonstration follows] You must be very careful.
L: It’s a suitcase ON WHEELS, I will not be picking it up much! And even I bent my knees I couldn’t lift it properly, I’d topple over with it!
F: But at home!
L: The wheels also work at home!
F: Well then, what about the airport?
L: Oh my God, my WHEELED suitcase and I will be travelling by car! It will be rolled along.
F: All right then, just be careful.
L: And can you TALK to your friends?
L: ... How do you mean?
M: Well, are they educated?
L: Yes. College degrees galore. No worries. Educated. Quite.
M: Well good, I wouldn’t want you to be bored, you need people you can talk to.
L: Yes, mother.
M: Don’t be meek, I know you’re being sarcastic when you’re this docile, IT IS important and we need to be surrounded by people we can relate to!
L: Agreed but don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll be properly entertained.
F: Have you got a hotel yet?
L: Well no but scouts have been sent off in every direction. I actually rather fancy staying in a motel like the ones in the movies. The good ones, I mean. Very North-American.
M: Isn’t it too… brothel-like though??
L: *choke* Er no, I suppose it would rather depend on the kind of motel, I’ve seen pics of some really nice ones. And Mother, NO ONE would dream of booking me into a cathouse you know!
M: Well, just make sure you ring us often.
L: Yes, I'll do my best to ring you every single day.
M: Oh good, that'd be lovely!
L: No it wouldn't, I was JOKING! I am NOT going to ring you every single day, that's insane!
M: Well you don't have to call every day, just email GF every day and she'll ring us.
L: I WILL NOT, that's crazy, I'll give you a ring when I get there and then send text messages once in a while!
F: So what are your plans?
L: Well, for starters I’m REALLY looking forward to buying LOADS of 2nd hand paperbacks in English!
F: DEAR GOD, THE WEIGHT!
L: Oh Father…!
F: Oh alright, just let us know if you need more money.

I adore them.