In and out
Tomorrow there will be a ceremony on the kibbutz for them. A friend of ours called me and asked if I wanted to write something and she’ll read it for me. I do not, I absolutely do not. But I have to, how can I not do it? It's my Tig.
The families requested that there be no mention of death. D-word.
Objectively, it will be 3 weeks this Sunday. There is NO way. But the thought of him being no more is so ridiculous, so obscene, it cannot be true. So it isn't, as far as I am concerned. I was surprised at how relieved I was that the bodies were not theirs. You'd think it would be a relief if they were found. You'd think. As an Anthropologist I know we need it to properly mourn, to move forward. Actually downward at first, I suppose. But it isn't. There’s no relief to be had and I’m still grateful that the limbo remains.
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This will be bad. I just called his parents' house and talked to his Mum to say I will be sending L. an email. I absolutely did not know what to tell her. She had no words either. So in the end we were silent, both crying and just said goodbye. The worst part? First I dialed the wrong number and suddenly Uzi's voice was talking to me. I cannot do this, how will I do this. This is inane, this cannot be happening. Someone wake me up from this.
Please don’t be worried if I re-lurk. There will be ups and downs for a long while I imagine. I’ll be reading you as always but I still cannot comment on your blogs. Words are still failing me. One way or the other, I’m here.
For a brighter note, scroll down for pics from Canada.
The families requested that there be no mention of death. D-word.
Objectively, it will be 3 weeks this Sunday. There is NO way. But the thought of him being no more is so ridiculous, so obscene, it cannot be true. So it isn't, as far as I am concerned. I was surprised at how relieved I was that the bodies were not theirs. You'd think it would be a relief if they were found. You'd think. As an Anthropologist I know we need it to properly mourn, to move forward. Actually downward at first, I suppose. But it isn't. There’s no relief to be had and I’m still grateful that the limbo remains.
------------------------------
This will be bad. I just called his parents' house and talked to his Mum to say I will be sending L. an email. I absolutely did not know what to tell her. She had no words either. So in the end we were silent, both crying and just said goodbye. The worst part? First I dialed the wrong number and suddenly Uzi's voice was talking to me. I cannot do this, how will I do this. This is inane, this cannot be happening. Someone wake me up from this.
Please don’t be worried if I re-lurk. There will be ups and downs for a long while I imagine. I’ll be reading you as always but I still cannot comment on your blogs. Words are still failing me. One way or the other, I’m here.
For a brighter note, scroll down for pics from Canada.
posted by Lioness @ 5:43 pm
2 furballs
2 Comments:
Johnny,
I understand it will be hard to write. Ups and downs are to be expected. Again, don't work about lurking. I know I'm not the only one who misses you, but I'm okay with you lurking for a while. If it's what you need, then it's what I want you to do.
Beth
Wow...what a difficult thing to have to deal with. Even though I am a stranger, I wish there were some comforting words I could say. I think you're doing the right thing by talking about it though. You're obviously an expressive person, so I think that writing things down will help in the long run. Lurk as long as it takes, but you can always write things to yourself (I personally find this a cathartic exercise).
Since I don't have any sagacious advice I'll just tell you a lame joke to distract you...
This is best when heard, not read:
Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: fsh.
I know it is stupid, but I laughed when I heard it.
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