Into Oblivion

This is what happens when one reads GAY BLOGS, they do pervert us, the Crolls are right. So instead of boning up all day, I did only for a bit - and then gave myself a VIRTUAL MAKEOVER! I've always wanted to go to a wig store and try on different styles and colours, get polaroids and then go straight to the hairdresser's. Right now, I really want my old life back please to change something, anything, in my life and there's not much I can do except wait, pray, not think about it at all and maybe go in for some hair mutilation. Right now, since I am forced to be me, I truly want to be as unlike me as humanly possible. And bloody hell, this post started off so well! And who are these sick people who now TATTOO the Wave on their bodies? See, confession time, this is how well I know this isn't going. When I'm awake, I am fine. Really I am. What, there was a catastrophe? Know nothing abt it. But at nights the Floodgates of Hell open and I haven't had a good sleep in days, I rescue people and animals all night long, very disturbing dreams. Also, I have been writing, all chipper, but I do not feel like talking at all. Not even w my best friend. All of a sudden, the written word is the only friendly way to communicate. I don't feel like seeing anyone - even though I feel fine. By fine I mean, I don't cry, I am not particularly sad, I think of him all the time, that hasn't changed, but I don't even flinch, it's like it's a stranger all of a sudden. Note careful avoidance of his name though - even though I feel fine. I haven't left the house for anything but walk the dog - even though I feel fine. And now is when I truly shock you: I have not showered or washed my hair since I came back from Canada. Yup. Seven long days. I do wash as/where needed, to put it delicately, there's no pong, but I can't be bothered to go any further and it feels right. Why bother? I never understood sitting Shiva before, I do now, and it took me a while to even realise I was sort of doing it. What is the point right now in anything other than the most basic necessities? So even though I feel fine, I know - intellectually - that I cannot be fine. And I want to be very far away when the rest of me catches up with what's left of me right now. In the meantime, I HATE THIS, I HATE EVERY BIT OF THIS, I HATE IT ALL!