Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Into Oblivion

This is what happens when one reads GAY BLOGS, they do pervert us, the Crolls are right. So instead of boning up all day, I did only for a bit - and then gave myself a VIRTUAL MAKEOVER! I've always wanted to go to a wig store and try on different styles and colours, get polaroids and then go straight to the hairdresser's. Right now, I really want my old life back please to change something, anything, in my life and there's not much I can do except wait, pray, not think about it at all and maybe go in for some hair mutilation. Right now, since I am forced to be me, I truly want to be as unlike me as humanly possible. And bloody hell, this post started off so well! And who are these sick people who now TATTOO the Wave on their bodies? See, confession time, this is how well I know this isn't going. When I'm awake, I am fine. Really I am. What, there was a catastrophe? Know nothing abt it. But at nights the Floodgates of Hell open and I haven't had a good sleep in days, I rescue people and animals all night long, very disturbing dreams. Also, I have been writing, all chipper, but I do not feel like talking at all. Not even w my best friend. All of a sudden, the written word is the only friendly way to communicate. I don't feel like seeing anyone - even though I feel fine. By fine I mean, I don't cry, I am not particularly sad, I think of him all the time, that hasn't changed, but I don't even flinch, it's like it's a stranger all of a sudden. Note careful avoidance of his name though - even though I feel fine. I haven't left the house for anything but walk the dog - even though I feel fine. And now is when I truly shock you: I have not showered or washed my hair since I came back from Canada. Yup. Seven long days. I do wash as/where needed, to put it delicately, there's no pong, but I can't be bothered to go any further and it feels right. Why bother? I never understood sitting Shiva before, I do now, and it took me a while to even realise I was sort of doing it. What is the point right now in anything other than the most basic necessities? So even though I feel fine, I know - intellectually - that I cannot be fine. And I want to be very far away when the rest of me catches up with what's left of me right now. In the meantime, I HATE THIS, I HATE EVERY BIT OF THIS, I HATE IT ALL!

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8 Comments:

At 18/1/05 21:17, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

I vote for the one with the hat - the hat and hair color just seem to frame your glasses so well.
How about different hairstyles? You could to dreadlocks, a big afro, tight curls, maybe even shaved? (which usually comes after dreads, since it's too late then to do anything else)

 
At 19/1/05 00:06, Blogger Dale said...

Grief moves like that, especially I think grief at a violent unexpected death. It takes a while for the transitions between grieving and just getting on with life to become less jarring.

Do get a shower though, dear, and wash your hair, and generally tidy things up. It helps. Trust me on this one.

 
At 19/1/05 05:19, Blogger paulmonster said...

Keep it coming, Lioness. We're all here for you.

 
At 19/1/05 06:59, Blogger Kristin said...

You look awesome as a brunette.

Keep posting, keep talking it out here, we'll be here to listen.

 
At 19/1/05 08:30, Blogger brooksba said...

Johnny,

Do what you need to do. If you feel like writing, there's a lot of us listening. We're here for you. I wish I could do more.

The pictures are fun.

Love,

Beth

 
At 19/1/05 10:33, Blogger Savtadotty said...

Speechless, but still here and reading. Love your categories drop-down menu. So cool.

 
At 19/1/05 11:40, Blogger Ana said...

If you feel like writing we'll be reading. Hang in there.

 
At 28/3/05 14:03, Blogger Udge said...

"D" does it for me.

 

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