Friday, May 06, 2005

“How do I get him out of the living room?”

1 - *My friend Lila emailed me in a panic w astonishing news. She adopted a puppy! That is, a puppy adopted her! Half Labrador, half something. You don’t know her but I laughed hysterically for abt half an hour. Lila with a pet! Lila of the “Good God no, they NEED you, I wouldn’t know what to do, and then you get attached to them, THINGS may happen, I’d worry all the time, and what does one DO w a dog anyway??” THAT Lila. She sent me a second email entitled “Must he chew on everything though” (oh, the fun!) and left me with this small poem: “oh joy! he's eating and drinking a little.. I was worried the vet took out his will to live or something, he was just laying there all sleepy.” Sleepy puppy, hell, I’d worry too.

2 - DM has gone off the deep end and Beth is cheering her on. I’m supposed to take it seriously but I cannot, how could I possibly? And FIY, when I ask you to bring me books it’s under the assumption I am buying them, you bloody cow, or the list wouldn’t be as long as it was! V. did the same thing and it makes me feel horrible AND prevents me from ever asking again. See what you did?? I’ll be bookless! And I’m not against the idea bcs of the books, I’m against it bcs as we say here “he who has no money has no business having vices”! I embrace my poverty, I will visit when I can, but as much as I laugh every time you post abt it or I read a comment - stop turning this into a Live Aid! Repeat “No Money, No Vices” whenever you feel tempted.

3 - Special thanks to my Boredom Patrol from one post ago, I did laugh and it did help, and then I fell asleep. THANKS, dahlings! *smooch*

4 - I’m reading someone’s novel draft - and loving it! I’ll not link to him bcs I’m not sure he’d want that but I am reading a future-famous-writer draft - and he’s brill, really he is. And who knew abt -er, that? I had no idea. Oh, the heroine is part Portie, how cool is that? *Preens*

5 - My dog has finally learnt fear but she learnt it in a most traumatic way, she was attacked by a stupid German Shepherd bitch that is always unleashed and never fails to go straight for every dog on sight. I stood in front of her so she came for me instead and the owner thankfully arrived then (albeit leisurly-like) and grabbed her. I was mad as hell, just the day before I’d seen her attack a very tiny dog who nearly died of fright, the owner had to suspend her over a wall from the leash so she wouldn’t be bitten - and she’s an old, sick dog at that. I told the German Shepherd’s owner that she needed to do something abt her dog or next time I’d go straight for the police. Not that it will help, I don0t even know her name or where she lives but I’m fucking tired of this. The stupid cow didn’t even apologise! (((TIP: I learnt this from the police: if you’re walking your dog on a retractable leash like this and you think you’ll be attacked, grab a hold of the chord itself and swing the heavy bit fast in circles in front of you, this will provide you w a circle of protection bcs the dog knows it may get hurt and it buys you some time. Also, stand sideways to the dog and never look him in the eye, that’s a canine threat))) If I have to hurt her dog to save mine I will but it will kill me so I hope it will never come to that. THEN, as if that wasn’t enough, I was walking her in the afternoon and this monstruous St. Bernard was walking past and decided he didn’t much care for her either, I heard a noise like a freight train arriving and he lunged. Papoila was screaming even before he touched her, I stood in the middle again while visions of my mauled legs haunted me, we all became entangled, my purse flew away, I almost fell and the 14 yo who was holding him finally came to her senses and said “oh but he’s usually so friendly”. Amazingly none of us got bitten at all. Now my dog starts yelping if she so much as sees a bigger dog 5 metres away. It saddens me a bit but it’s better than “oh look a friendly, pilo-erected, growling male Rotweiler, let’s jump on him NOW.” That time we were on the beach and it took his owner to lie on him and wrap his arms around his throat to constrict it, practically riding him, to stop him from killing her. Where was I, meanwhile? Oh I was trying to get up after she dragged me across the sand, leash and all, and made me fall. She’s skinny but bloody strong.

6 - Total strangers sometimes come in when there’s a bad post up [bad in a I See Dead People sort of way]. And they don’t always know what I’m talking abt, or what commenters are responding to. *Dons royally pissed-off educational hat*: if you go into a blog and find some perplexing bit of news that somehow does not bode well happiness-wise for the blogger, kindly refrain from ASKING what the fuck everyone is talking abt. Kindly move towards the archives or, better yet, the categories, and try and find out. Kindly take the time for a small search bcs the last thing that blogger needs is to have to spell it out. The blogosphere doesn’t preclude the need for a modicum of common sense. Do we not bleed?

[Oh and BTW. If you come in on the day I post that my best friend’s body has been found, let me boldify it, on the day I post that my best friend’s body has been found, have a care, re-acquaint yourself w your mother language and realise that BODY in this context doesn’t mean he was astral-projecting and has forgotten where he left it, could anyone please help, I’ll check the closet. It’s in poor form to leave a comment abt my Jewish roar on that very day - especially if said comment is a bit inane - and an extra slap I don’t need when I can barely breathe.]

7 - I just talked to Z, Uzi's brother, on MSN. He asked me directly if I “think abt Uzi a lot these days”. My heart became minute. I told him I do think abt him these days, the other days, all days. I also told him abt my Butterfly and asked him if he thought it was crazy. “No!!” Good. Maybe some day I’ll tell his mum as well. Z. says he’s seeing some improvement in her. I told him I worry abt her and him all the time. He says he worries abt her and himself all the time as well. No matter how I look at it, everything breaks my heart. It’s stupid to expect otherwise but all it takes is for him to mention Uzi and I start crying. Telling you it actually surprised me will show you how deeply into this denial thing I still am.

8 - Remember Lila’s puppy from up there? That is particularly heart-wrenching bcs see, in Uzi’s parents house no animals are allowed. His mum used to tease me abt the cats ALL THE TIME and say “Oh just throw them away, all that hair, jiffa!” [Jiffa means “something vile“ in Hebrew]. When I walked into the house before the funeral, the very first time I saw any of them after I left Israel, the thing that brought home the point that the world had indeed turned into something incomprehensible was having a ball of fur jump at my legs. There was an animal in the house. THERE WAS AN ANIMAL IN THE HOUSE. So Uzi might very well be dead bcs it’d indeed take nothing short of a cataclysm for that to be even remotely possible. It gave me a fright, I was still entertaining “He’s alive” thoughts. The dog belongs to his mum’s sister and is called Tzemer (wool) bcs she looks like a yarn on legs. She wasn’t merely tolerated, she actually played a big part in comforting those who needed it most while there were no news. That dog was a lifesaver. And then later on his older brother E. arrived w his girlfriend and their 2 dogs and I closed my eyes and sat down bcs the next ones in were bound to be Taz, The Swedish Cook and Jessica Rabbit. You already know the rest.

9 - Shabbat salom, lekulam. It helps so much to know you there.

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2 Comments:

At 8/5/05 12:15, Blogger The Lioness said...

I deleted daftly this post, along w comments, sorry. These were the comments:

BUBBI:
(grammadebbie.blogspot.com)
Hi Lioness--stopping in from lurkerville.My pre-nuptial (20 plus yrs ago)Must allow dogs in bed :)

BETH: (sheepsheadianstories.blogspot.com)Johnny,Okay, I know I said I was writing a post, but I had to stop and read first. Puppies are dahlings and it is great that Lila is taking the time to care for a puppy and she'll get so much out of it. Of course I'm cheering DM on. Neither of us will stop this notion in our heads. We miss you!I'm glad you got a bit of sleep and that your boredom was cured. When the novel comes out, it would be nice to get a read. =)Poor Papoila. Give her an especially big hug from me. You reminded me of some stories about Taco and Chip and I'll write them up one of these days.6,7, and 8: Much love and hugs sent to you. I am sorry that you have to deal with poor taste comments. It is good to hear that the pets were a comfort, even if a reality check, in Israel. I know it is hard to talk to Z, although it is good for both of you. I miss you terribly. Beijos.Beth (signing my name because my screen name is not the same.)

NIKKI: just about got eaten by my neighbor's pit bull last weekend. It wasn't the pit's fault though, it was my husbands. He had the brilliant idea of introducing our (diminutive 40 lb) dog to the giant rottweiler and the pit bull in their yard. Each owner had ahold of their dog but the pit decided she didn't care for this and is v.v.v. strong. I of course tried to save my baby - and imagined being mauled by a pit bull that wouldn't let go. Apparently Angel was just giving a warning and no blood was shed. Idiot husband! Pets are the best!

DANIEL:
(goisraelgo.blogspot.com)
I once visited Sesimbra with my girlfriend, and my two dogs. The dogs were Staffordshire Bullterriers, male (whose foto shows next to my name) and female, halfbrother and sister. I stayed with friends there for about a week in a small village called carrasqueira (sp?), with no asfalt roads and lots of stray dogs.I didn't know it at the time, but these dogs were organized into a pack, led by a huge Alsatian. Late one night I was walking my dogs, Riff (the male) on a leash, Sinja free 'cause she's safe with other dogs (so long as they don't start anything).All of a sudden we come upon the entire pack, and without warning the Alsation attacks Sinja. She yelps, but then fights like only a Staff can. Other dogs attack her too, but I let Riff off the leash (apart from loving a fight, he's also horribly protective of his little sis), and he crashes into the German Shepherd. This is too much, and he manages to get away, taking the rest of the pack with him.Looking over both my dogs I notice a huge tear (more like a rip) just above Sinja's left eye. Riff is ok. Next morning, the vet (another young woman nuts about animals) stitches up her eye, and true to her breed, Sinja doesn't flinch, does not need to be restrained, and licks the face of the vet when she's done. No anesthetic, nothing. The vet said she only knew the breed from reputation till know, and she couldn't believe the character and courage of this dog.Next night, I walk my dogs, in the opposite direction of the night before, and guess who we run into? This time however Sinja does not wait but attacks straight away, and the Alsation is in trouble (despite weighing 3x as much and all his streetfighting experience). And then I let Riff go again, and they're taking this dog apart. I decide to not let him die, so I choke Riff out and lift him off, and Sinja lets go without me telling her. The German limps off, still screaming.Next day I get congratulated and thanked by nearly the entire village. This dog routinely attacked other dogs, bicyclists, children, cats and whatnot. Turns out he had an owner of sorts, who even had him patched up (got the report from the same vet that stitched Sinja), and kept him in a yard afterwards.So what's the moral of this story? Portugese vets are great, especially the female ones.Soft approaches to shitty people with shitty dogs make things worse.It's always the owner's fault. But you can't very well kick him the nuts (well you can, but that causes more trouble than it's worth). Next best thing is kicking his dog.Oh and BTW, I never look away from a dogstare. It is indeed a dominance thing, and I'll be damned if I concede that to any dog... f**k that.

DIANA:
(piffle.blogspot.com)
Lovely for the puppy adoptors! Isn't it a sad day when your lovely and innocent dog learns that not all creatures, including other dogs, wish them well. Our previous German Shepherd, Maia, learned this at the beach from an aggressive chow. Our current beloved G. Shepherd, Emma, has yet to know this, but it is just a matter of time. They are what they learn, much like people. I still think it is a good idea for you to come to the Midwest and eat things on sticks and deep fried shit like Twinkies and Snicker's bars at the Minnesota state fair. Think of the grist for blogging it will create. And what is more important, your adoring fans or (shudder) bones in September? I will merrily continue clicking on those ads on DM's site. Hell, It's not really anyone's money, just some faceless corporation's.

ME:
Actually I'm sorry I allowed my dog on the bed after her spaying (she was licking the sutures). She sleeps sprawled all over the place and I sometimes wake up to a head on my pillow. Not cool. But now I love her being there, so all is lost."Portugese vets are great, especially the female ones." :DDD BLOODY RIGHT!PS - Not everyone is a kickass Daniel so don't go trying to outstare a raging dog now.PPS - I'm thrilled that the lurkers have quit that annoying habit, Bubbi and Nikki, right on!

OMG, "deep fried shit like Twinkies and Snicker's bars" - ????Aren't these chocolates?? Oy but this sounds absolutely disgusting! DEEP FRIED CHOCOLATE? Who are you people?? Are you mad? *exhuberant furball*

LE FOI:
(lefoi.blogspot.com)
Oh my god, I just had a deep fried snickers for the first time last weekend! And who suggested it? A friend of mine, who had tried one at the Minnesota State Fair!At first it seemed like a horrible idea, but once the idea got into my head I couldn't stop thinking about it. And so we deep fried some snickers bars... and they are not as exotic or as disgusting as I imagined. They taste like really sweet donuts.I don't recommend eating several and then performing in a very physical play, though. THAT was a bad idea.

DM:
(greenduckies.blogspot.com/)
I love your commenters (sp?). Except the idiots that don't bother to figure out what is going on but I'm sure they're not coming back. The ones I really hate are those that think "Hey, I think I'll throw some spam in here. That's great." Or the ones who completely ignore you pouring out your soul and decide to either say something completely clueless (or classless for that matter) or put in a plug for their own blog, ignoring everything you've just said. Hmm. Maybe I feel more strongly about this than I thought.Poor Papoila! Give her hugs and kisses for me. And JIP and Hum-Hum. I miss them so.You crack me up. Live Aid indeed. I am beginning to start thinking about setting up an eBay account and selling some of my green glass - all proceeds to the Johnny fund, of course. Someone had a great idea about the "Planet Earth's First Annual Online Bake Sale and Karaoke Car Wash Extravaganza!" Not sure who they are but love, love, LOVE the idea (hey, karaoke and cake. How can you go wrong?)Why must you be so stubborn? And it's not like I was even able to get your whole list - so there! Are you enjoying the Iris Johanson's? Love you!D

JACK'S SHACK:
(jackbenimble.blogspot.com)
A couple of weeks ago I found a Rottweiler standing between me and my home.I had to explain to him that I had no interest in a fight, but that my bite is worse than my bark.Fortunately he left, but I was concerned.

BETH AGAIN:
About the books...I was thinking since you love books so much, August is a great time for GARAGE SALES! You may find some wonderful stories for even cheaper than at 1/2 price bookstores. Oh, and I'm working on getting the AdSense added to my site. I guess it takes a couple of days. We're not giving up. Hell, we wanted to meet you so badly we flew to Portugal!

DAPHNA:
(myjewishhome.blogspot.com)
I cannot understand people who own violent dogs and (even worse) do not control them. Glad your pooch emerged unscathed, if a bit traumatized.

 
At 8/5/05 12:44, Blogger Noorster said...

My dog (English cocker spaniel) is sooo dumb. He wants to make friends with everyone, be it a famly friend, a burglar or a bicycle parked in front of our house. He was once attacked by a chihuahua or however you spell that. A chihuahuahauahhhahaha! And he just ran away. Not that he's a coward, he just can't deal with agression.

 

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