So you see I still can

I know that many of you worry abt me. As Z. would say, frankly, I do too. You see mostly the bad and the ugly bcs that's what I mostly blog about. And you see mostly the bad and the ugly bcs that's what my life is comprised of mostly, these days.

I tell you often that I'll be be ok eventually but I wanted to show you as well. I wanted to show you that I think, even when I feel absolutely desperate and wonder how to make it another day, that I have every reason to celebrate, if simply bcs I met him. I KNOW him, see, I heard him, I smelt him, I know how he moved and sounded, I know what made him sad, what made him happy. I am so very fortunate.

I've changed my profile picture, it's the only one I have scanned where I am smiling. [It was actually taken very shortly after Uzi and I got together in 98] So you see I could, and can. Not like that just yet, but I can still smile. And very often I smile when I think abt him, even as I cry. And very often I smile when I read your comments, even as I cry. I couldn't possibly have Uzi in my life, and your always humbling and accurate understanding of him, and not want to smile because blessings, like mitzvot and true prayers, are far and few between and Uzi - Uzi is a permanent one, as is your kindness. And I owed it to all of you who commented to show my face, to let you see me, to say This is me, This is as close as I can come to showing you how grateful I am, This is how you help me, This is how you make me feel even when my muscles refuse to obey. I may not smile like this nowadays but you lot have allowed me over and over again to be so much closer to it.

There's not much I can give you. You've given me so much more than I'll ever be able to repay and I can only hope you know it. So if you worry about me, please don't. This picture is how I want me back, for me, for him, for everyone who loves me, for every single one of you who grew to care. There is hope in laughter, there will always be hope in laughter.