Monday, May 16, 2005

So you see I still can

I know that many of you worry abt me. As Z. would say, frankly, I do too. You see mostly the bad and the ugly bcs that's what I mostly blog about. And you see mostly the bad and the ugly bcs that's what my life is comprised of mostly, these days.

I tell you often that I'll be be ok eventually but I wanted to show you as well. I wanted to show you that I think, even when I feel absolutely desperate and wonder how to make it another day, that I have every reason to celebrate, if simply bcs I met him. I KNOW him, see, I heard him, I smelt him, I know how he moved and sounded, I know what made him sad, what made him happy. I am so very fortunate.

I've changed my profile picture, it's the only one I have scanned where I am smiling. [It was actually taken very shortly after Uzi and I got together in 98] So you see I could, and can. Not like that just yet, but I can still smile. And very often I smile when I think abt him, even as I cry. And very often I smile when I read your comments, even as I cry. I couldn't possibly have Uzi in my life, and your always humbling and accurate understanding of him, and not want to smile because blessings, like mitzvot and true prayers, are far and few between and Uzi - Uzi is a permanent one, as is your kindness. And I owed it to all of you who commented to show my face, to let you see me, to say This is me, This is as close as I can come to showing you how grateful I am, This is how you help me, This is how you make me feel even when my muscles refuse to obey. I may not smile like this nowadays but you lot have allowed me over and over again to be so much closer to it.

There's not much I can give you. You've given me so much more than I'll ever be able to repay and I can only hope you know it. So if you worry about me, please don't. This picture is how I want me back, for me, for him, for everyone who loves me, for every single one of you who grew to care. There is hope in laughter, there will always be hope in laughter.



At 16/5/05 11:32, Blogger paulmonster said...

Dear Lioness:

You Rock.

Thank you for introducing us to Uzi, and to this enduring and breathtaking experience.

Am very glad to hear you speaking of hope like this. You need to take more smiling-pictures.

Please do continue to take care of yourself, and don't hesitate to reach out when you need to. And keep on rocking with your bad-ass, white-chocolate, sweet-soul-cadillac-funky self.


At 16/5/05 11:40, Blogger The Lioness said...

Paul dahling, I'm crazy abt you. YOU rock.

At 16/5/05 14:31, Blogger Noorster said...

I haven't read the full post yet. I wanted to stop and say:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwww. Cute picture!
Now back to your post.

At 16/5/05 15:40, Blogger 4 leaf clover said...

OMG Lioness! I cannot believe this! When you said that you have every reason to celebrate simply because you met him, I had this mental flash that reminded me of this Japanese anime Fruits Basket. And I know there were some words of wisdom in there somewhere that you would love. Now I must go check it out.

You look gorgeous, Lioness. I understand it's hard to smile now. But you have a lovely, sweet smile. I hope one day you will be able to smile like that again, without reservations. I shall be cheering you on!

(Sorry about the deleted comment again. I swear, Blogger's been messing my HTML tags lately.)

At 16/5/05 15:47, Blogger The Lioness said...

4-leaf clover, you get back here this minute, that was a lovely comment, what possessed you to delete it?? Bloody Aussies.

N., thanks dahling.

At 16/5/05 15:50, Blogger The Lioness said...

Oh look you're back! Good. :DDDDD And let me tell you that the thought of finding comfort in some Japanese Anime is hysterical beyond belief, I cannot wait!

At 16/5/05 15:55, Blogger The Lioness said...

Oh i forgot, you actually had a lovely slip of the tongue in the first version, you wrote: "you have every reason to celebrate simply because *I* met him"

Made me smile. Good one, dahling!

At 16/5/05 16:12, Blogger Diana said...

Thanks for the shiny, happy picture of you. I DO know you will be OK. I just feel honored that you let us in and can take comfort in what words we can give. We adore you because you are adorable. Give and take, take and give.

At 16/5/05 16:37, Blogger amyesq said...

What a wonderful picture. I am so happy that you felt OK about posting it. I also hope that someday you can smile like that again, in memory of him. I feel honored that you have shared so much of Uzi's memory with us.

At 16/5/05 17:29, Blogger ontheface said...

Well, I've seen your beautiful smile in person (smiling through the tears?); this photo is just a reminder, because as we know my bloody camera didn't work the day we met.

Darling, it still makes me sad that you're sad. But I also think you're lucky - because you had that lovely love in your life. It's a cliche, I know; but I guess you also know that I really mean it.


At 16/5/05 17:39, Blogger CarpeDM said...

Love, love, love the picture!

You are so beautiful, both in physical and inner qualities. I daily feel blessed to have met you and hugged you and laughed with you (even when you were laughing at me) and said "okay" when you nagged me about stuff.

When I read the comments left by those that adore you, I smile and laugh and smile some more. Because you know what? We're a great bunch of people. Gathered together because of a great person. Adoro-te, dear Lioness and your readers.

At 16/5/05 18:03, Blogger 4 leaf clover said...

I swear I will trash Blogger some day... it's been messing up my HTML tags, hence my having to delete comments. My apologies. This was what I said:

Lioness! eureka! i found the quote. It's in episode 15 of the Japanese anime Fruits Basket and here is a rough translation:

"Still, this is what I think... I would rather live on, carrying the memory until the end because even if it's a sad memory, even if it's a memory that only hurts me, even if it's a memory that I would rather forget, if I carry it until the end, without running away from it, some day, some day I may become the me who wouldn't lose to those memories. I believe it because I want to believe it. Because I want to believe that there is no such memory that you can just forget. So, the truth is I didn't want Mama to forget about me, but this is just my childish wish.... No matter what memory, I want to keep it in my heart, as I live on believing... Because I want to believe, there is no such memory that you can just forget. So that some day I may become the me who wouldn't lose and that some day I will even overcome it. So it can be a precious memory."

There! Beautiful isn't it? Your words reminded me so much of this quote.

At 16/5/05 18:08, Blogger 4 leaf clover said...

had added the url to IMDB in case you wanted to check for information but Blogger keeps mis-publishing my html tags. I will just type it out as plain text, the webby for Fruits Basket is if you are interested.

you have inspired me to think more about it.... my goodness, Lioness, you are one strong person. worthy to be called a Lioness [*snort* contrary to what some Goldstein says!] keep smiling! :D

At 16/5/05 18:20, Blogger The Lioness said...

Diana and Amy, you're just... fabulous.

Lisa, I still can't quite believe we met. It's wonderful to have been able to add you to my kibbutz memories. And I do, I do know.

DM, you make me feel like the Pope! And next you'll have everyone thinking I really nagged you. As if I could. Ever.

4-leaf clover (I think I'll have to find an acronym for you, like FOLC) - here we go! :DDD Everyone jump in and try to make an estimate as to how many times on any given day you'll find me thanking her. No, really.

Yes. Hope comes in a myriad of ways, even in anime form, much to my surprise. And you - and now I'll embarrass you again, I do it well and willingly - have been a very important part in my strength these days. As for the nickname, I have yet to post abt why I chose it. It will be dull and you will all be disappointed.

At 16/5/05 19:45, Blogger ThreeBees said...

That is a great picture! Beautiful smile!

I know it is a difficult time, but I never doubted you still could smile. :)

That's what a blog is for -- to record how you are feeling. I say go for it. I for one, and many others, want to read.

At 16/5/05 21:04, Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

You are so lovely inside and out! (And yes, I do see the Uma Thurman resemblance, only I don't think you're wielding a sword off-frame... are you?) I am so sorry, every day, that your also-beautiful Uzi is not by your side.

Hoping for a return of your smile in the everyday.

At 16/5/05 21:12, Blogger brooksba said...

You are beautiful. I feel lucky to have seen your smile in person. I know sometimes the smile seems hidden away, but it is always there. You may find it creeping out at the strangest times. That's the beauty of memories. Many will make us smile and laugh and think, "I'm glad I got to experience that."

Uzi touched your heart and your words have touched mine. He will be remembered and smiles will be passed on because of him.


At 16/5/05 22:54, Blogger Kristin said...

I knew it...I just knew you had a beautiful face and smile to match the beautiful spirit you have shown us. Watch your mail my friend...something is winging its way to you...should be there no later than the 23rd (our post office claims 5 days).

At 17/5/05 08:14, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uzi had great taste! ;-)

At 17/5/05 10:47, Blogger Bubbi said...

Pretty lady Lioness--
Take care!

At 17/5/05 14:09, Blogger The Lioness said...

3bees, tnx for the faith

LI, Uma? Are you mad? NOT AT ALL. And I am too.

Beth, it will be a mirth orgy. Bjs.

Kristin, I can't wait! Curiosity always kills me!

Hey Bee, look who showed up! Took you a while eh canook? I'm so happy to have you back, am hoping this means new posts.

Fay, I did. I had great taste. ;)

Bubbi, I'm trying. Who knows, maybe we'll meet in Israel some day.

At 17/5/05 15:42, Blogger squarepeg said...

good to see you again, gorgeous!
big kiss!

At 17/5/05 19:14, Blogger cat said...

Merci for the smiles. I hope that you find them returning more frequently as time passes.

At 18/5/05 03:49, Blogger twisteddragonfly said...


At 18/5/05 07:16, Blogger The Lioness said...

Cat, grazie bella! Anche io.


At 18/5/05 11:42, Blogger paulmonster said...

Yep, see, here we go again. One of the things I love the most about this place is how you keep on throwing around these great handfuls of precious seeds everywhere, and then everybody starts blossoming all over the place. Absolutely gorgeous. No wonder the Butterflies like you.

At 18/5/05 12:40, Blogger 4 leaf clover said...

i agree: that's why the butterflies keep coming to you. :) your smile really lights things up!

i keep coming back to look at your picture.

yeah you do look kinda like Uma Thurman. (i think better.)

*smile* Lioness... keep smiling. smile because Uzi was, and still is, with you. and we're all smiling with you. lotsa hugs from Down Under....

At 19/5/05 14:55, Blogger Eliyahu said...

nice picture -- so the repeat after me program is already showing results!

At 20/5/05 01:07, Blogger The Lioness said...

E. - ;DDD That always makes me laugh.

At 21/5/05 20:14, Blogger Serialangel said...

Oh, you look gorgeous darling! I love your hair.
We're all with you, smiling along, even if we're crying, cos our inner smile can never be denied.
Betty x


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