Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Why The Lioness will kick ass

This was called something else bcs it was abt something else. But bear with me and read what used to be this post first, if so inclined:


As of now, I am on holiday. No more exams, holiday till the 1st. Fourteen days with nothing to do but read and sleep and watch series and movies. My first holiday since 2001. Details later but really, who cares!


Starting w the re-reading of the whole Hitchiker's Trilogy of five, NOW.




I thought of something I have been meaning to blog abt but then kept forgetting/postponing but something rather cool - and fitting - happened last weekend.

I have been worrying abt the size of my ass since I stopped smoking bcs I munch all the time. I used to munch even as a smoker but not so much, obviously, that'd be impossible. [Hmm, no it wouldn't. I've just remembered that when I was an exchange student in Germany I went for a one-week exchange to France and it was ghastly for several reasons but one of them was that the family smoked at the table, during the meal - and said meal was snails, which I love but don't eat anymore ever, but not user-friendly snails, these were HUMUNGOUS motherfuckering snails drowned in some horrid little pasteous sauce oh blech, JIFFA!]

*Gathering bearings, hold on*

Fat ass, right. I therefore decided, also for my psychic well-being [some of you may remember what a mindfuck of a year this has been] that I need some physical activity on a regular basis to better help me - well live, really. I need to detoxify my body and my soul.

Someone almost lost a limb upon suggesting aerobics - they clearly haven't had the time to get to know all of me, obviously. AEROBICS! I'd rather drag around an ass that would cause hominids to worship me. I am terribly picky w sports - shocker, yes? - and there's only so much that doesn't bore me out of my mind. Forget abt gymnastics of any sort, dulldulldull. I used to ride and I love to dance salsa, but riding has been on hold for a while and salsa was once a week, which was not enough. I could see myself enjoying Water Polo but my skin prevents me from dumping into chlorine and enjoying it. Bike-riding would be fine if a) the Porties didn't go out of their way to try and run over the bikers and b) this city weren't hilly as bloody hell.

I came upon this: Krav Maga, a self defence course, which I've always wanted to take. I told someone this, Look here, this is exactly what I've been looking for, this self defence thingy! And they looked at me funny and said Well that's Israeli, did you know? No I didn't. Ha! GENES WILL TELL!

So yes, see, The Lioness will at some point know how to properly kick ass in a most effective manner, even though her Hebrew sucks rock rather more than even she knew. Soon she'll be splitting bricks in two w her bare forehead and talking abt herself in the 3rd person. Mi águárdji! *Strikes fierce feral pose, exits haughtily*


At 7/9/05 17:55, Blogger Dale said...


Enjoy it, you've earned it!

At 7/9/05 17:58, Blogger Candace said...

WAIT! Don't forget snacks! And drinks!

At 7/9/05 18:03, Blogger The Lioness said...

Dale, "earn" - hardly. Seems like on the contrary. But more of that later.

Misfit, have a care. If you could see my arse you'd shut up. I quit smoking, remember? And replaced it w munching, remember? And the munchees were digested and travelled South to the hips, remember? And if I ever go out on the street and find very small people following me around and worshipping me I will not be surprised bcs I look like something painted on a cave and only 2 pairs of pants still fit me - HELP!

At 7/9/05 18:23, Blogger CarpeDM said...

Oh, please. You are gorgeous and you know it. Besides, the cavemen are all hanging around my neck of the woods, worshipping my arse. So there.

I'm so excited about your holiday, that is quite brilliant.


At 7/9/05 18:27, Blogger amyesq said...

Whoohooo! Enjoy. As we say on another, not quite as good of a blog, you deseeeerve it! :)

At 7/9/05 19:08, Blogger The Lioness said...

DM, beloved twat, just bcs your ass is fatter doesn't mean mine isn't fat at all now does it. I really walk around in the same pair of pants every day mostly.

Amy, Loverboy and I are going out to dinner to celebrate my release from academic prison for a while. I'm still too tired to enjoy it and am now stressing bcs I have nothing to study and feel like I should be studying. Remember that? Will go away soon, I hope.

[DM, we're going to get those lamb chops you loved, we'll toast to your health and Beth's]

At 7/9/05 19:46, Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

I KNEW it! You're really Uma Thurman!


At 7/9/05 19:51, Blogger brooksba said...

You are adorable. I'm happy to hear that you're going to take a self defence class. V. cool.

Enjoy the holiday and are we ever going to find out how you did on your exams?

Miss you terribly!

At 7/9/05 20:25, Blogger Candace said...

Woo-hoo! I spawned a whole new post!

Seriously, though. Fat arse? I laugh in your general direction. You wanna see a fat arse? Keep checking my site for this past weekend's wedding photos and you'll see MY fat arse!

At 7/9/05 20:48, Blogger The Lioness said...

Lorem, never even saw the Bills, just so you know. But every time I see her I realise anew how UNlike we are. Nanananana.

Beth, adorable. ADORABLE. No, no, no. Fierce, VERY fierce. See? Oh the exams, yes you will find out, decided not to take most of them LALALALA, hence the holiday and sanity modicum, but more on that later.

Misfit, oh sheket. You do not know of what you speak. I AM horrified at what I see, and you cannot laugh in any direction bcs you never saw me so what do you know abt my arse girth? Can't wait to see the wedding pics though - so git, spawner.

At 7/9/05 21:03, Anonymous Nicole said...

Seriously, you should check out the size of my ass.

Besides, I covet your cheekbones. Grrr.


At 8/9/05 03:22, Anonymous Manuela said...

Good HEAVENS woman... even ME... pasty-white Teutonic/Scots (what a mix, eh) chick that I am... even *I* know about Krav Maga!!! Wow... for ONCE I know something you don't! (Singing that in a five year old know it all fashion!)

At 8/9/05 03:25, Anonymous Manuela said...

Oh yah... by the way... ASS?? ASS you say???? Puh-leeeeease... when I walk past our front door at sundown Attila thinks there's been a total eclipse of the sun.

At 8/9/05 03:27, Anonymous Manuela said...

Oh yah... one more...

Have you noticed that the longer you and I exchange emails... the more abusive I get??? It's a sign of affection... just so we're clear.

At 8/9/05 07:46, Anonymous noorster said...

B-but... that stuff is meant to kill people!

At 8/9/05 07:48, Anonymous noorster said...

(Krav Maga, not fat arse)

At 8/9/05 10:31, Blogger The Lioness said...

Manuela, I have noticed. Affection, you say. RIGHT. And don't be daft, I could populate new worlds w all the things I don't know. Will check email now and see what was the insult this time.

Noorster, not ONLY! They also teach you how to defend yourself should you be attacked on the street, and to defend yourself using whatever is available. I personally can't wait to start and hope it will not be disappointing or boring. And fat arses can kill as well.

At 8/9/05 10:47, Blogger Ana said...

Too bad I am no longger a university student, I might just join you during my maternity leave and try and loose the ENORMOUS ass I have somehow developed during this pregnancy.

At 8/9/05 11:21, Blogger The Lioness said...

Oh yeah? You'll see big on Saturday - or something! BIG, I tell you, big.

And anyone can join, we just get better discount. *sticks tongue out but in a mature way*

At 8/9/05 12:25, Blogger D said...

A word from the Expert: Krav Maga (or KM as 'we' call it) can be good. It can also be complete shit.
It is originally a martial art developed by an Eastern European Jew called Imi Lichtenstein (IMI also being the acronym accidently for Israel Military Industries).
Taught originally to the IDF and various other Israeli organizations in need of effective unarmed combat.
So far so good.
Then commercialism took off with it. And now it is more often than not something to be bough, sold, franchised, merchandized and thus cheapened. Grades and belts are sold instead of earned, everything is copyrighted and you can only become an instructor at certified institutions. Which comes at a price, and often very real skill.

There are still good schools. But they are relatively rare, and usually they are expensive. Krav Maga is a trademark, and you have to be licensed to teach it, or even use its name.
Be sure to check credentials of teachers and schools, preferably they also have a solid background in such arts as boxing, Muay Thai (MT), Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) and/or Judo.
There are very, VERY few practitioners of Krav Maga that have not practiced any of these arts, and are still serious martial artists.

So. KM is great when tought by a serious and experienced instructor. And these are rare.

Alternatives: Muay Thai, BJJ, Judo, even boxing. All full-contact, and GUARANTEED to get you (and your ass) fit. And as martial as an unarmed woman can get.
Please keep me posted.
*bows, crosses fists* Ush!

At 8/9/05 15:32, Blogger D said...

Correction on the inventor of KM: That should be "Lichenfeld" or "Lichtenfeld", depending on who(m?) you ask.

At 8/9/05 15:46, Blogger The Lioness said...

Dany, tnx, I had researched it and come across Lichtenfeld (if it comes from German there should be a T but names in Israel do tend to be butchered so who knows).

Also, the instructor here is a martial art expert, or so they tell me. I have to go in and talk to him but I couldn't bfr bcs I was studying and all that. I can now! I'll let you know.

Look, basically, if it gets me off my ass and teaches me some moves I'm fine w it.

At 8/9/05 17:03, Blogger Eliyahu said...

You quit!!! awesome! i'm so happy for you that you quit smoking -- i knew you could. just remember, you didn't stop, you quit, in case you're ever tempted. i'm sure you're still scrumptuous, as i hadn't noticed loverboy leaving....

At 8/9/05 18:31, Blogger CarpeDM said...

Ooh. Self-defense. Hmm. That could be interesting. I look forward to seeing pictures of you being all defensive and fierce.

Lamb chops? Didn't I have veal? Now I'm confused.

At 14/9/05 16:36, Blogger The Lioness said...

E., he is love-blinded, fortunately. But yes, I QUIT!

DM, show me a pic and I'll tell you. I did think it was lamb.

At 27/9/05 15:37, Blogger Figlet said...

dear lioness (my comment is late, but perhaps B.L.T.Never. Try yoga. i'm not kidding. you'll bend and twist like never before, and all without worrying about getting run over, or having to do battle. On the other hand, having done a scant 1.5 years in teh combative arts, it was a helluva lotta fun. But exhausting. I prefer the "ahimsah" way (nonviolent). Peace out and finally am getting through some of your blogs. xo. figlet


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