Thursday, August 25, 2005

Confessions 1-7

Confession #1:
For the past 5 nights I have been waking up at around 4.30.

This is not my typical insomnia pattern. The typical pattern, however, does manifests itsef slightly in that regardless of how little I sleep, I don't fall asleep easily.

Confession #2:
For the past few nights, I have been able to fall asleep only bcs I stayed in the living-room, reading.

This is nothing new to me. Uncomfortable as this sofa is, I remember the last time I was studying for Bones I didn't sleep in my bed at all during the 4 days of exams or the days immediately leading to them, I always stayed in the living-room. I dislike this subject very much and studying for it truly is a sacrifice, a physical one in many ways as well. By staying away fom my beloved bed I am keeping it untainted and will return to it when the nightmare is over. [It is also entirely possible that if I'd used the bed during those days I'd have simply taken to it and refused to get up again, ever.] And I am deeply anguished over the Bones exams and it doesn't help that in the first 9 days of September I will have 6 exams - and I don't even know whether some overlap yet. It could also be due to the novel lack of nicotine galore coursing through my receptors, I suppose.

Confession #3:

Much more impersonal, yes?

Confession #4:
This whole post has been a veritable sand-in-the-eye fest.

Everything I wrote is true, that is not it. Everything I wrote is contributing to my physical and mental discomfort.

Confession #5:
To a varying degree, this fest has been happening for a good while now.

However, those are not the reasons I wake up w a start and some pressing question trapped behind my lips. Usually, some elaboration of Did you suffer.



Confession #6
My exams start on the 1st of September
September is almost upon us
September will soon be over
October is almost upon us
Uzi was born on the 19th of October
The 19th of October is almost upon us
December is almost upon us
February is almost upon us


I spin the questions my fingers know by heart endlessly. [Did you suffer, are you very sad, exactly how dead are you, do you know it, do you see us, are we holding you back, did you suffer] They resemble fractals in their deadly beauy and reliability.

I seem to dream of him more and more, and w increasing detail. Sometimes the dreams are a gift in the sense that he will do something specific, however tiny, and I will remember it and realise he used to and I’d forgotten. Inevitably, I will start crying and wake up. But never bfr I remember. I seem to have lost my ability to keep him alive through my words - I seem to never taalk abt him anymore, write abt him anymore, or ring is Mum or Lila, and I certainly never email them.

I will have to soon. I will have to ring I. on his birthday and oh good God the horror, THE HORROR, how will I do this, how. I miss taking to Lila as well so it’s a mystery why I don’t want to do it. No it isn’t. I can’t very well be in denial anymore and I am not - but I can not fancy acknowledging that he is dead and I haven’t fancied acknowledging it.

It is more typical of me to dissect things obsessively and word out the poison than to not want to or no longer not know how to. I feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience while trapped in mine. Dissociation, yes?

Confession #7
I need to shed my skin



At 25/8/05 08:32, Blogger D said...

Thinking of you.

At 25/8/05 08:48, Blogger brooksba said...

The past few days I have seen a butterfly when I walk into work. It is always fluttering by my head and it makes me think of you. It makes me think of Uzi. The questions do haunt and I know it is the hardest thing you've ever had to deal with. I don't expect it to ever be something you forget or let go. Any time you feel the words needing to get out, there are people listening. I'm one of them and will listen.

Love and hugs are being sent to you from Minnesota.


At 25/8/05 12:39, Blogger Ana said...

I'm thinking of you too. And if you want to talk, or just have a cup of coffee, you know you can call me.


At 25/8/05 15:02, Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

For your penance, go cook something delicious.

You are absolved from your sins. Go in peace and love and serve God and one another.

At 25/8/05 15:48, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Shed your skin? We've got some marvelous creams and dermal abrasions available in our US stores cosmetics department. Can I send you something to help?
But didn't the bones exam go off OK? And after these six, you will be past them and on to other things.

At 25/8/05 17:51, Blogger Serialangel said...

Oh hun, you need and deserve a break. You know I was terrified of moving until a white butterfly (the first and only I've seen all summer) came down to my old house as I left it? I knew I'd be okay, and I thought of you.

Love Betty

At 25/8/05 18:00, Anonymous Manuela said...

Sending you lots and lots of love, my friend...

At 25/8/05 18:31, Blogger CarpeDM said...

I keep seeing butterflies when Keem and I go for our nature walks to take pictures. They float just beyond the bounderies of my picture, sort of laughing at my attempts to capture them on film. I think of you and Uzi and I say hello to Uzi because I know he is still here, some part of him, smiling at all of those that love him, even those that didn't come to love him until after he was gone.

Anytime you need to talk, email me. I'm sorry that we rarely get to talk via IM but I think Beth is more on your schedule than I ever will be.

I second the love and hugs and kisses from Minnesota.

At 25/8/05 18:33, Blogger Kristin said...

{{{HUgs}}} sweetie. Been thinking of you often.

At 25/8/05 18:36, Blogger Kristin said...

PS...I desperately need to know how to get that word verification onto my blog. I got hit by spam on mine. I emailed the request to you too.

At 25/8/05 21:08, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm right across town any time you need anything, even if just to sit in silence. Have lots of work to do & can bring computer and sit. Really. I don't know if (silent, yes, all-important) company ever helps, but it's here if you want it. Also a small ceramic butterfly and some excellent fiction, still waiting to land in their rightful home.

At 25/8/05 21:23, Blogger Udge said...

Poor Lioness, insomnia sucks. Have a long-distance hug, and practice being kind to yourself.

(Maybe it is the ciggies. Have you tried nicotine chewing gum? It sounds paradoxical if not self-defeating, but it's healthier than the smoke. One problem at a time.

At 26/8/05 05:47, Blogger 4 leaf clover said...


At 26/8/05 12:38, Blogger Diana said...

The things you are dealing with make one's hair curl. You will get through, you will find you are stronger than you knew, you are surrounded in friends, and we will try to bouy you and even make you laugh a bit through all this. While only you can do any of this, you do not do it alone.

At 26/8/05 16:56, Blogger Bubbi said...

Take good care!

At 27/8/05 01:14, Blogger no milk said...

with all the things that's happened and then the reminders of those events, it can make anybody sleepless. best to you and your own.

no milk please

At 27/8/05 07:57, Blogger jac said...

Butterflies !!! I love them too and I think you need a short break or it may affect your exams too.

I mananged to reach your blog again. I dunno why I can't reach your post in the normal way. I am afraid I came through your August archives. Your page refuses to update after june 23 in my PC and this is the reason for my mail and I owe you an apology for that. You might have thought that I am crank. Now I will have to come back to read your archive from June.

At 27/8/05 17:51, Blogger d.x. said...

no matter how little sleep i get, i have trouble falling asleep at night lately as well. maybe the whole world is falling into malaise.

At 27/8/05 22:38, Blogger DeadBug said...

Lioness, I am so sorry that your mind runs in those circles. Thinking healing thoughts for you, sweet lady.


p.s. Thanks for letting me know about the verificaiton features in Blogger. I am now free of spam!

At 28/8/05 14:53, Blogger K|nneret said...

Thinking of you, lovely Lioness. Anniversaries can be difficult, no matter how sweet or bittersweet.
Good luck with your exams!!

At 29/8/05 20:19, Blogger cat said...

October 19th??? Wow. This is my day of birth too. I will light a candle now for him always. Somehow that just seems right that this is his day as well.

The butterflies were everywhere at the sea this weekend. He is always here.

At 29/8/05 23:25, Blogger Dale said...

Hugs, dear Lioness.


At 1/9/05 15:34, Blogger Scully said...

I'm sorry you're feeling poorly lately.

Work through it. Keep moving on.

Thinking of you.

At 6/9/05 05:57, Blogger twisteddragonfly said...

Sending you love and hugs and sound peaceful sleep. Thinking of you. You know how to reach me.

At 24/9/05 01:08, Blogger twisteddragonfly said...

Thinking of you J. Always. Can identify w/confessions 6 and 7. 6 you have to deal with in your own time. 7...well, I am truly an expert at that. You know where to find me. Hugs.


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