Monday, July 24, 2006

I never really laugh out loud while reading but, by golly!

Don't worry, I have not been assaulted or robbed or anything else that would result in a police report. It was the weirdest thing---I was reading in the window seat, and this rather large-bottomed woman boarded the train and made these elaborate preparations to sit down next to me. She pivoted so that she was perpendicular to the seat, backed up very very close to me, and slowly started to lower her ass down. I had time to think, "wait a minute, this chick is going to sit on me" and also to think, "I am being paranoid, people don't just deliberately sit on other people" as the ass descended and then boom, it happened. I made some noise, halfway in between "oof" and "what the fuck?" and sort of pushed at her with my forearms, and she very calmly said, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry" and moved over to the empty seat.

And I sat there angry and bewildered and WHY DID THIS PERSON SIT ON ME. Does a fully-clothed, public-place, sitting on people by "accident" fetish exist? Could a spatial-perception disorder or severe nearsightedness really make someone misjudge a distance that badly? Had I briefly turned invisible?

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16 Comments:

At 24/7/06 13:33, Blogger D said...

It's not that weird a thing to have happen to you. It's common knowledge women can't park, it has something to do with their lack of 3-dimensional perception. Imagine your body growing to the size of a small car, then having to back it into a clearly undersized space... More and more people need park distance control sensors on their ass these days, it seems.

Hope you didn't break anything? Was she properly insured?

 
At 24/7/06 14:16, Blogger The Lioness said...

D, the text is a link from Mimi Smartypants! See the underlined blue? And see the Blogger dashing formatting for quotes? A link! Must I teach you abt computers now? What has this world come to INDEED. Well, I will teach you all of my geekwsdom if you come to visit, remember you have family here? Your wife's looking a tad pale, she needs our sun. Surely you see that. We need another such dinner. COME.

Oh, BTW, how abt sending me the pictures from last year? A year too late but still, would like to see them, God verdomma or something like that.

 
At 24/7/06 14:37, Blogger D said...

Well forgive ME, but Mimi Smartypants was just TOO fitting a pseudonym for you! Are you actually claiming this is a separate persona from the Lioness? Ok, sure, whatever...

*blushes, admits mistake*

Going to Italy this year, Portugal again next year. Rummaging on notebook NOW for photo's... Found a lot of them, selecting now...

BTW, your swearing in Dutch has not deteriorated one iota!

 
At 24/7/06 15:14, Blogger The Lioness said...

From vackman to knor, sad. Italy? But that is NOT near Lisbon! *harrumph*

 
At 24/7/06 18:45, Blogger Viscondessa said...

Hey, Lioness, if D sends pictures from that dinner, please forward them on over. I'd love to see them. (Even if we're not in any of them.)

D, women CAN park. At least, I can. With incredible finesse. I am the queen of the single-try glide-in parallel park maneuver, with just one hand palming the steering wheel. Even in an unfamiliar car. But I've never unintentionally sat on anyone on the metro, either, so I guess I can't dispute your logic.

What I want to know is how comfy Miss Mimi Smartypants' lap looked. My cat sits on me intentionally all the time. Maybe the woman on the El was hoping to do some kneading and then settle in for a nap?

Cheers from the third woman at the Torre de Belem.

 
At 24/7/06 20:34, Blogger brooksba said...

How insane! Just baffling.

Beijos!

 
At 24/7/06 21:33, Blogger CarpeDM said...

Ah, the Mimi Smartypants strikes again. She amuses me so but haven't had time to read in awhile. Thanks for the quote!

And if I could have rich yachting people swim over me in Mexico, it doesn't strike me as odd that she would be sat on. I think sometimes we do become invisible.

 
At 24/7/06 21:42, Blogger Udge said...

A grandmotherly type sat on my lap on a bus in Greece once - and immediately sprang up in horror and started shouting! The whole bus joined in: it was all my fault, what an outrageous insult I gave her, how dare I not have seen her coming and jumped out of her (possible, future) way?

Mimi is good for a laugh or two, once a week. (She even answers e-mail, though it often takes two months to get a reply.)

 
At 24/7/06 23:33, Blogger Eliyahu said...

oh, you're not miss smartypants? since when? very funny.

 
At 25/7/06 03:13, Blogger Diana said...

Mimi's either teeny-tiny and devoid of hips, ass, or belly or the sitter has a dog who ate her glasses. Ahem.

 
At 25/7/06 04:10, Blogger portuguesa nova said...

Tenho un monte de saudades de Chicago.

The people on the train there are really so very crazy.

 
At 25/7/06 08:43, Blogger Nominally Challenged said...

It seems to me that Ms I-Think-I'll-Sit-Here was wearing someone else's ass for the day, and just wasn't aware of the allowances she needed to make for extra space.

Alternately, Mimi might have forgotten to wear her smarty pants that day, indeed rendering her temporarily transparent.

The possible explanations for this are almost endless ...

 
At 25/7/06 11:32, Blogger D said...

Viscondessa,

I don't think any pictures were made at that dinner, at least not by us. Sad lapse that was, because we had such a nice time too!

As for your parking skills, I do not dispute them. It is my experience though that when one encounters a woman who can park, she either 1) shaves her back more often than I do, signifying excessive testosterone levels, or 2) has a mate who CAN park, and she's studied the art at great length, and at great expense.

Flame away! (Am just kidding. My wife is all but hairless, and could park before she ever met me. Or is she just the exception...?)

 
At 25/7/06 12:31, Blogger Viscondessa said...

D,

You've found me out! I have indeed studied the art at great length. My father was a ruthless parking instructor. It all boils down to male mechanical superiority. *sigh* The funny thing is, I'm rather poor at spatial perception otherwise. Go figure.

It was a fun evening, wasn't it? Despite my getting very lost on the way to Belem (see, it's that spatial perception thing again, only writ large).

 
At 25/7/06 23:54, Blogger Manuela said...

Please hereby accept, my heart-felt and humble apology for having upset you with the notion of me not being bothered by the idea of walking on a surface of clear glass over the Grand Canyon.

But you know... the cruise ship I was on at Christmas, had this one deck with three-foot diameter glass floor panels that cantilevered over the edge of the ship 18 storeys above the fast moving water... most people avoided them like the plague... whereas I walked over and started jumping up and down on them until people gasped. Aren't I horrid?!
;->

 
At 26/7/06 00:44, Blogger Panda said...

Are you following me? Coz I was just there a couple of days ago. Personally, I found Mr Macaroni Cheese Head hilarious.

 

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