Thursday, November 04, 2004

Nothing like a self-butchered cow to cure insomnia

Pathologic Anatomy class.
Necropsy.
Dog, cat - COW!
Very dead cow.
Suspected cause of death:
foreign object in gastric compartment.
Your group’s turn so say “Cow” when asked what you want to take.
Unhinge your jaw upon hearing Professor say:
“Wellll… A cow takes quite some strength really.”
Say “This cow is OURS. We are girls but I’m tall, she’s even taller and WE CUT GOOD.”
Repeat it until Professor gives in.
Wear him out. He earned it.
Stare at cow thinking “However are we going to do this.”
BIG COW.
(Small really,
heifer probably, still some baby teeth)
(BIG COW)
Reassure the small girl in your group who is not at all keen.
Tell her she can write the report.
Watch her breathe a sigh of relief.
Evaluate the 3 boys’
biceps and triceps.
Breathe a sigh of relief yourself.
Realise you’ve become a roadside attraction:
Whole class gathered in a circle to watch the six of you perform.
Cursing you silently no doubt because you got the bovine everyone coveted.
Refrain from saying “Na na na na na”.
It wouldn’t be kind.
Start cutting.
Start sawing cow’s limbs so you can remove them.
Sweat a bit.
BLOODY BLUNT KNIVES.
Throw legs into the bin after noticing the extensive
oedema.
Wrinkle your brow attractively while nodding:
“Uhmmm… Oedema, yes.”
Hold limbs while being sawed off.
Heavy.
Skin cow.
Sweat a bit.
BLOODY BLUNT KNIVES.
Pull organs out, keep organs in.
Examine organs.
Pus-filled
teats?
Smell the apparent pus.
(You must. SERIOUSLY.)
No, just curdled milk.
Send bit off for analysis.
Find your very own cyst in one kidney.
Send bit off for analysis.
Open heart.
Notice bad, bad
pericarditis.
(oedema explained)
Open rumen, reticulum, omasum and abomasum.
Look for the proverbial needle in the hay stack cow seems to have managed to ingest.
Find no needle, no screw, no nail, no door spring or scissors.
Find instead long plastic glove that vets use for rectal palpation.
Take a peek at colleagues’ dog:
riddled with Dirofilaria
(heartworm)
All the while:
Avoid your colleague's scalpel.
Avoid your colleague’s knife.
Succeed.
Avoid cutting same colleagues.
Succeed.
Avoid litres of liquid within cow's body.
(oedema EVERYWHERE and peritonitis. LITRES.)
Avoid blood accumulating on the table because THERE IS NO DRAIN.
Fail blatantly at both.
(WHY???)
Remember sheep dissections
and the proceptive value of sheep fat hanging from your lashes.
Ask Professor “See how girls cut pretty?”
Smile magnanimously when he says “Yes they do, well done!”
Feel very sorry for cow's suffering ALL THE TIME.
(very painful way to spend a fortnight)
(eventually euthanised)
Remove apron, and wash blood off.
Be inventive with water because you're not given ANY disinfectant AT ALL.
(it’s only death and disease after all)
Remove lab coat, place it in bag for posterior scalding at home.
Wash rubber boots while wearing them.
Spray yourself LIBERALLY with water because thingy isn't working properly.
Realise you now smell enticingly of cow and cow products.
Decide to buy a fisherman-in-river rubber outfit.
Drive home.
Pick up dog from parents’ house.
Prevent dog from jumping all over you because she’s gone batty with the smells.
Prevent cats from jumping on you when you walk in because ditto.
Run into the bathroom, shed clothes and shower.
And shower.
And shower.
SIGH DEEPLY.
Feel knackered.
Barely manage to stay awake for CSI.

(Pics will be available soon.If you’re so inclined, keep an eye on this post.)

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7 Comments:

At 5/11/04 06:11, Blogger brooksba said...

Lioness,

Great post. I learned a lot of terms I never knew - thanks for the appropriate links.

That must have been a long day. It sounds like you did the assignment well though. Congratulations on a job well done and having it DONE.

Beth

 
At 5/11/04 18:49, Blogger CarpeDM said...

Um. Yeah. I so don't envy you this. I guess annoying people who are blaming me for the price of their stock going down isn't so bad.

 
At 5/11/04 21:13, Blogger Dale said...

Whew!

Glad that post's over :-) But it sure was a gripping one.

Thank you dear Lioness -- on behalf of all the creatures you are learning to help.

 
At 6/11/04 20:23, Blogger squarepeg said...

As fascinating as anatomy and physiology are, I could never do this and am in awe of you. I've never forgotten the grade 8 class where we had to dissect a [live] worm -- pinning it to wax and stroking it with the x-acto knife until it expired. I swore off dissections for the rest of my academic career and life, it was so upsetting and nauseating. You have great strength -- I know you use it well.

 
At 7/11/04 13:25, Blogger The Lioness said...

Cow was dead already and necropsies are important to learn and bcs of public health as well. Sheep dissections - dead too, though bcs of us/for us. Not so good. LIVE worm??? That's a vivissection, not a dissection. I would never vivissect an animal, even if I had to quit vet school. The sheep were bad enough. Intubating/injecting the animals we learn on is bad enough. I'm sorry you had to vivissect a worm at 14. At 14 er're not very wise, and not very capable of saying no - not even very aware we CAN say no. Even worms feel pain. Disgraceful that it's done in a school.

 
At 8/11/04 19:17, Blogger Jen P said...

Oh Lioness! I am so happy to have found your blog!! I especially enjoy: "Mrs. Claw's Finishing School for Females of The Spayed Persuasion". Might turn it into a lovely picture book and pay you royalties!

Wishing you the best with your next Pathologic Anatomy class! (I really enjoy science so I loved this post!)

 
At 8/11/04 20:55, Blogger The Lioness said...

Welcome Dahling! I've been reading YOU for months so I'm happy to see you come round to my place. I will post more abt school, no worries. As if I could help myself!

 

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