Homo s. revisited
1. Notice that some vegetables defy logic and understanding, and have done so for thousands of years. Prehistoric paintings recently found in Bhimabetaka depict the anatomically modern man* calling The Female into the kitchen equivalent bcs the sweet potato (singular, i.e. ONE very lonely sweet potato) needs to be cut up in cubes. But HOW? The Female can also be seen being called upon to try the sweet potato (one; singular) bcs she has a special glandular pouch in her cheek which allows her to judge whether food has been cooked enough. Said pouch is currently very much in use still.
2. Notice that The Female’s insistence upon The Male not drinking directly from the juice bottle please bcs of the bacterial fest that will ensue; the lettuce being well washed and rinsed in vinegar; and the washing cloths and sponges being thoroughly washed, rinsed and hung to dry are just extreme and unreasonable; and The Female’s definition of a health hazard is utterly subjective.
3. When washing the ODD pot by hand notice that:
3.1. Any activity that happens IN the sink has nothing to do with the sink ITSELF. It is therefore perfectly logical, and indeed advisable, to NOT clean up the sink itself upon completion.
3.2. It then follows that any debris - be it of a vegetable or fleshy nature - that remains in the sink remains, in fact, in the sink.
3.3. The Female should be happy anyway bcs The Male does not enjoy dish-washing, unlike The Female who obviously would thrive on it were it not for skin condition which most unfortunately prevents her from indulging.
3.4. The Male fails to see why The Female should make such a fuss EVERY SINGLE TIME she needs to clean it up herself bcs what is so bad abt her cleaning after him EVERY SINGLE TIME after all?
4. Notice that the same applies to chopping vegetables and such similar activities. A sparse population of tiny and not so tiny bits of tomatoes, carrots, sugar and more or less fluid substances on all counters is not only pleasing to the eye in a most colourful manner but also a safety device. Any potential burglar would become distracted by the colour scheme and intriguing smells, giving The Male ample time to clob him abt the head and scrape his sorry hide.
5. Notice that The Male is genetically incapable of throwing away an empty carton or box. All empty packaging is proof of strapping gonads and must therefore be held onto for as long as possible in a tribute to the fine, mammoth-clad specimens of yore. Those were the days.
6. Notice that, due to philogeny, The Male is always on the lookout for predators. He cannot therefore be bothered to notice that clothes have dried and need to be folded and put away - or any other thing for the matter. It would be unnatural and perhaps even dangerous. The Female's safety must always come first.
7. Notice that The Male feels that a home landscape liberally sprinkled with his clothes adds design value to the property, and is justifiably surprised when The Female stubbornly refuses to acknowledge this millenary information bit.
8. Notice that The Male will do something abt the clothes but
under duress out of great generosity only bcs Good God, can’t she see he is busy with the computer!
9. Notice that the male single-handedly fosters a flourishing Mildew Exchange Program by dropping a wet bath towel on any available surface, wood included. The Male is a veritable FunGuy.
10. Notice that The Male refers to The Female’s pets as His and is absolutely in love with them, especially Tripod, but ownership is abruptly terminated when poop cake or the carpet furball make an appearance.
11. Notice that this does not prevent The Male from not only wanting babies but also having planned that the first WILL be born in November so HE is a Scorpio like Daddy, bcs everyone knows babies can be timed and only grow an arse and mouth when they lose their first tooth.
12. Notice that The Male will, when confronted with a bagless and ornery rubbish bin, choose to carefully place the banana peel on its lid, thereby avoiding any confrontation. The Male is nothing if not a political savvy beast. The Male will subsequently nearly jump out of his skin when, upon turning around, he finds himself face to face with The Female and a very much raised eyebrow, and will smile sheepishly while trying to surreptitiously pull down the missing bag.
13. Finally, notice that The Male will then be at an absolute loss when The Female grows scarily long canines, sharpens her claws on his bare chest and actually growls when The Male proudly tells her See? I’ve HELPED you loads TODAY haven’t I.
* ~30,000 years old but you wouldn’t notice him if you saw him walk past you.