Friday, July 15, 2005

Homo s. revisited

1. Notice that some vegetables defy logic and understanding, and have done so for thousands of years. Prehistoric paintings recently found in Bhimabetaka depict the anatomically modern man* calling The Female into the kitchen equivalent bcs the sweet potato (singular, i.e. ONE very lonely sweet potato) needs to be cut up in cubes. But HOW? The Female can also be seen being called upon to try the sweet potato (one; singular) bcs she has a special glandular pouch in her cheek which allows her to judge whether food has been cooked enough. Said pouch is currently very much in use still.

2. Notice that The Female’s insistence upon The Male not drinking directly from the juice bottle please bcs of the bacterial fest that will ensue; the lettuce being well washed and rinsed in vinegar; and the washing cloths and sponges being thoroughly washed, rinsed and hung to dry are just extreme and unreasonable; and The Female’s definition of a health hazard is utterly subjective.

3. When washing the ODD pot by hand notice that:

3.1. Any activity that happens IN the sink has nothing to do with the sink ITSELF. It is therefore perfectly logical, and indeed advisable, to NOT clean up the sink itself upon completion.
3.2. It then follows that any debris - be it of a vegetable or fleshy nature - that remains in the sink remains, in fact, in the sink.
3.3. The Female should be happy anyway bcs The Male does not enjoy dish-washing, unlike The Female who obviously would thrive on it were it not for skin condition which most unfortunately prevents her from indulging.
3.4. The Male fails to see why The Female should make such a fuss EVERY SINGLE TIME she needs to clean it up herself bcs what is so bad abt her cleaning after him EVERY SINGLE TIME
after all?

4. Notice that the same applies to chopping vegetables and such similar activities. A sparse population of tiny and not so tiny bits of tomatoes, carrots, sugar and more or less fluid substances on all counters is not only pleasing to the eye in a most colourful manner but also a safety device. Any potential burglar would become distracted by the colour scheme and intriguing smells, giving The Male ample time to clob him abt the head and scrape his sorry hide.

5. Notice that The Male is genetically incapable of throwing away an empty carton or box. All empty packaging is proof of strapping gonads and must therefore be held onto for as long as possible in a tribute to the fine, mammoth-clad specimens of yore. Those were the days.

6. Notice that, due to philogeny, The Male is always on the lookout for predators. He cannot therefore be bothered to notice that clothes have dried and need to be folded and put away - or any other thing for the matter. It would be unnatural and perhaps even dangerous. The Female's safety must always come first.

7. Notice that The Male feels that a home landscape liberally sprinkled with his clothes adds design value to the property, and is justifiably surprised when The Female stubbornly refuses to acknowledge this millenary information bit.

8. Notice that The Male will do something abt the clothes but under duress out of great generosity only bcs Good God, can’t she see he is busy with the computer!

9. Notice that the male single-handedly fosters a flourishing Mildew Exchange Program by dropping a wet bath towel on any available surface, wood included. The Male is a veritable FunGuy.

10. Notice that The Male refers to The Female’s pets as His and is absolutely in love with them, especially Tripod, but ownership is abruptly terminated when poop cake or the carpet furball make an appearance.

11. Notice that this does not prevent The Male from not only wanting babies but also having planned that the first WILL be born in November so HE is a Scorpio like Daddy, bcs everyone knows babies can be timed and only grow an arse and mouth when they lose their first tooth.

12. Notice that The Male will, when confronted with a bagless and ornery rubbish bin, choose to carefully place the banana peel on its lid, thereby avoiding any confrontation. The Male is nothing if not a political savvy beast. The Male will subsequently nearly jump out of his skin when, upon turning around, he finds himself face to face with The Female and a very much raised eyebrow, and will smile sheepishly while trying to surreptitiously pull down the missing bag.

13. Finally, notice that The Male will then be at an absolute loss when The Female grows scarily long canines, sharpens her claws on his bare chest and actually growls when The Male proudly tells her See? I’ve HELPED you loads TODAY haven’t I.

* ~30,000 years old but you wouldn’t notice him if you saw him walk past you.


At 15/7/05 01:04, Blogger aderyn said...

Haha, that was hilarious. Ah, to be that creative.

At 15/7/05 01:57, Blogger Emanuel Ben-Zion said...

But in the end

She loves me

And I love her.

At 15/7/05 02:57, Blogger Candace said...

So cute, how you're arguing on the blog!

See, *I* am the offender in nos. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, and 9.

Yeah, I'm horrible.

At 15/7/05 02:58, Blogger Candace said...

Oh, wait, not number one. No. *I* am the cook, because he sucks at it, and I don't.

And I also don't like the bacteria on the juice bottle, but all those other things in number 3, I'm totally guilty of doing.

At 15/7/05 04:32, Blogger Lord Chimmy said...

Lioness and EBZ both make admirable points. This seems to be an even-handed match. When can we expect the video?

At 15/7/05 10:08, Blogger brooksba said...

I love it! The Male and The Female are perfect for each other.

At 15/7/05 10:14, Blogger Ana said...

Help?!!!! Oh I hate that word!
I help as in it is your job but I am willing to lend you a hand? Help as in it's not my responsibility but I'm such a nice guy?

Zé Maria does NOT help me. He does stuff (most of it I admit) and I do stuff and, if needed, we help each other. Help is not a good word unless it's reciprocal let me tell you!

Anyway, getting off my soap box. I'm almost on vacation and I must be getting stressed.

At 15/7/05 11:01, Blogger The Lioness said...

Yes, he says "help" and then looks guilty. He says it in that Portie way. I've come to realise that no matter how liberal and independent we may think we are, men and women, our Portie education shows and there you are, more stereotypical than you'd expect.

But it's not as bad as it sounds bcs he says helps but he does stuff, as I do stuff. Just needs a bit of prompting to SEE nwhat needs to be done at times.

At 15/7/05 17:39, Anonymous Manuela said...

This made my day... such clever monkeys you both are... turning such commonplace everyday annoyances into so much fodder for our amusement!

Lioness, my dear, you should seek to publish your original post... it truly was brilliant! Brava!

At 15/7/05 21:23, Blogger Udge said...

I think the male needs a blog of his own. The female can help him set it up.

At 15/7/05 23:03, Blogger Diana said...

And, surely, the DIRTY SOCKS and occasionally SHOES left on the KITCHEN COUNTER are there to further distract the maurading intruders. Yes. Verily. Surely the conniption is not warranted.

At 16/7/05 02:11, Blogger Orange said...

This is hilarious! I'm glad I could hear your bloody cry for help over at So Close. I came back and found this, and it is just so painfully true.

I've linked to it at my main blog, Orange Tangerine. My readers will love this! Thanks for helping me entertain them.


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