Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Those fresh-smelling closets and an ovaric detour

I feel I have been possessed by an alien little woman, someone ultra-sensitive, helpless and frail and God bless my ovaries. This is one of those rare times when I NEED to blog in the hope of re-aligning the planets or what have you. But more of that later. Let’s do How To Keep Your Wardrobes Smelling Fresh ALWAYS first out of respect for the male audience, bcs later on there will be a small tour of the female endocrinal and reproductive system and they will NOT appreciate it at all. There will even be footprints, for the sturdier of you.

My wardrobes had been puzzling me. I love fresh-smelling clothes and am really happy w my new softener. But I realised that after a while the clean, not yet worn clothes no longer smelled so fresh, and that when I opened the door there was a hint of a smell I couldn’t quite define. It wasn’t a bad smell but it was a bit un-freshish. HATE un-freshish. One day I saw the light
but didn’t write abt it then bcs a) I couldn’t and b) I didn’t think anyone really cared - but some do so here it is.

Sometimes we wear clothes just once, right? And after taking them off we sniff them to find out whether they need to be washed. When they don’t, they usually go back in the closet. And THAT is the problem. Bcs, even if they don’t smell bad yet, they have been used, and they will have picked up odours that are unnoticeable at that moment but that will gather once in the closet and create an anti-freshness barrier, as it were. Also, Porties don’t have closets by the front door for big coats and outdoorsy clothes, so those too go back into the closets where the fresh clothes are.

BRAINSTORM! How abt… I have two wardrobes and this is what I did. The one in the hallway only has clothes that were not worn AT ALL TIMES. The one in the bedroom, bcs it’s bigger, holds all bulky winter coats and clothes that have been worn. I got some of these from IKEA
, because the closet has no shelves and that’s where the t-shirts et al go. It was the most brilliant move ever and I now have perfectly delicious-smelling clothes always. [Why do I LOVE wonderful smells AND YET still smoke? Bcs I am daft, that's why.] Also, there are sachets of scent that you can get and place them in between layers and they add an overall touch of freshness to the whole.

Now, ovaries. Males of the species, you are most advised to stop reading now. I am serious. You will not be grateful, especially if you’re an Anglo. Anglos are in general a bit more squirmish. And I apparently know no shame any longer but blame it on the Barren Bitches Brigade. I am Barbara Cartland where they are hardcore porn. Still, I'd like to believe there's hope for me yet, one day I'll get there. Diana, this is what I want to know. I know you will love to do your medical detecting work when you have another free hour or so. You have so many of those, I know, and it may keep you from scratching. Bring out the thick books. Imagine recalcitrant ovaries from day one. Imagine terrible dysmenorrhoea from day one and for-months-vanishing periods. Imagine hormone therapy to get things into shape. Imagine a close encounter - or several - with the wand monkey (BBB trademark) and a diagnosis of PCO
(polycystic ovaries). Bizarrely but thankfully enough without the extra weight and body hair but still. Now imagine that the Dr. prescribes the pill and said ovaries are given their needed rest. Then more wand monkeys, no, still not working, then maybe better, then yes, we have occasional ovulation, then all cyst gone, then they’re back, then back on the pill we go.

Now, one of the marvellous side-effects is decrease of cramping. HA! Minulet has died on me, as it turns out, I wake up several times a night bcs it hurts so bloody much. And not only has it been making me absolutely nauseous for longer than I care abt, but it is turning me into a mad woman on all sorts of levels. I have lately been known to burst into tears for absolutely no good reason. And the Princess And The Pea potential has escalated to a scary degree. I sulk and mop and weep and wring my hands and am utterly miserable even though I went to IKEA yesterday and got a gorgeous coffee table (which tripod cat loves bcs she can hop onto it and sleep there, high up there, away from all land predators) and wool carpet and my living-room is slowly starting to look the way I want it to.

[CENSORSHIP FEST!]

Finally, this pill break has greeted me with Mittleschmerz, yes it has! I sometimes know I ovulate not only bcs of the egg white mucous but bcs it is accompanied by the most annoying lower back pain. Hullo, we have it now! My back has been killing me for 4 days now, I keep taking our Tylenol equivalent but it’s a bloody persistent pain. This never used to happen to me. Minulet has lost its touch.

WHY OH WHY??

I fear for my eggs, I truly do. So, I am going off the damn thing and will wait the requisite period and then have my hormones and ovaries tested/examined again. I know my ovaries aren’t behaving bcs pre-pill this time you could comb your hair w the reflection of my forehead and my leg hairs, though still blonde, became really long. I am, apparently, turning into a man. (How long must I wait now till all levels go back to their abnormal selves? I took it for 2 months. Another two?) I also want to check for egg quality so FSH here we come. I’ve never had that tested.

Finally, an ode to blood. Bcs we bleed when we get our periods and that blood, especially when copious, needs to go somewhere. Sometimes, it goes to unexpected places. I don’t much care for tampons bcs of their downward mobility complex [NOT upward, sorry abt that 1st version] so pads it is. Yesterday I was getting ready for my shower and took off my knickers - obviously. [If you are not a vet student, a doctor, a person of strong will you may really want to stop reading now. It’s funny - well, I think so - but you won’t thank me]. I always place them on the floor, sunny side up, bcs I then use the wrapper from the new pad to wrap the old pad in bfr disposing of it. I turned around still in my socks and stepped on the old pad, thereby acquiring a perfect heel print. I hopped in the shower with the sock on and composed this post in my head thinking “Oh what fun it will be to blog abt it!” and promptly stepped on the stupid pad again as I got out of the bathtub, only realising it after I’d gone to the hallway closet to get the knickers I’d forgotten and come back. You could have followed the trail, bread crumbs optional. Maybe next time I’ll tell you how my gynaecologist once blew on my cooter to "make it all better" but only if you really, really want me to.

Lioness Pride, where poop cake and that shedding uterine layer come to die.

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25 Comments:

At 6/7/05 17:27, Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

Johnny, I'm cracking up about your misstep. Bloody footprints! Did it look like a murder took place in your bathroom?

My friend Tendersoul, whom I've known all my life, has polycystic ovaries and diabetes and is pregnant now! So it's not a death sentence, so to speak. Still, it was quite a shock.

And the wand monkey? Is that your term for an internal ultrasound? I prefer 'DILDOCAM.' Don't know who coined that, but it's wonderfully appropriate and almost melodic, isn't it?

As for the Minulet, my doctor told me to wait three months before trying to conceive because it sometimes takes awhile to even out. But I started ovulating on time right away. So it varies, but you should be fine by fall.

 
At 6/7/05 17:41, Blogger Candace said...

Upward mobility? I have never had a problem with THAT. Explain, please.

 
At 6/7/05 17:42, Blogger cat said...

Migraines at least for me were a lot worse on BC than off BC. Like we are talking 15 a month to more like 5 a month. Wishing you luck with all the tests and cams and whatnot.

Dildocam. Dildocam. Dildocam!

If you say it three times perhaps the dildocam genie will give you a wish.

 
At 6/7/05 17:43, Blogger brooksba said...

Johnny,

First of all, thank you for finally sharing your secret to refreshingly smelling clothing. I've been waiting.

And although a bit gross, the footprint is a funny, funny story.

I'm sorry to hear about the pain in your back. I wish I knew a solution.

Beijos.

 
At 6/7/05 18:43, Blogger The Lioness said...

Misfit, they don't stay put. They wiggle their way up, always have. maybe I have cillia?

 
At 6/7/05 19:48, Blogger Noorster said...

I never put those worn-once-but-not-smelly clothes back in my wardrobe. The perfect way to store them is to leave them scattered around the house.

I still don't get the upward mobility thing. I mean, aren't they supposed to be way up?
Speaking of tampons, I once changed tampons a little, and I mean a little absent-mindedly, forgot to remove the first one, and ended up walking around double-tamponed, wondering where that uncomfortable feeling was coming from.

Oh, and bloody footprints? Mwahahaha.

 
At 6/7/05 19:49, Blogger Candace said...

But...doesn't your cervix stop them from going too far?

This is such an interesting conversation, really.

They're supposed to go way, way up; at least that's my understanding.

 
At 6/7/05 20:27, Blogger The Lioness said...

Oh good God, I am so completely stupid! DOWNWARD mobility, down they go, down, my body seems to reject them! Sorry abt that.

And Noorster, a friend of mine once slept w her boyfriend w a tampon in. She couldn't believe it afterwards and called me to tell me how she'd found the string and nearly had a heart attack. How on earth...? The word "tiny" pops into my mind - or maybe I'm just being unkind.

 
At 6/7/05 20:50, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Just being unkind? Is he still the current boyfriend?
The 'make it all better' sounds more like a good line, too bad I'm married, but maybe it will work with my wife. Was it a real doctor?

 
At 6/7/05 20:51, Blogger The Lioness said...

Cat, I would, but I'm afraid he'd look... clotty. Enough of that already.

Oh I'm so loving this conversation too! And mind you, is Beth the only one ecstatic over the Secret to Freshness, you infidels??

 
At 6/7/05 21:42, Anonymous Manuela said...

Wait... I don't believe you... your Dr. BLEW on your cooter??? To make it all better??? Omigod... well at least he/she didn't try to kiss it better...

(... did I just go overboard with that one?)

 
At 6/7/05 21:44, Blogger The Lioness said...

(No, you didn't. And believe me, I was glad she didn't think of that!)

 
At 6/7/05 21:49, Anonymous Manuela said...

Ok... well in case I didn't make your noses crinkle in disgust at my last comment... maybe this will do the job...

Before I was converted to the wonders of the Diva Cup... I too hated tampons... and I too used to leave pads sunny-side up for the same reason. Well... one time things were a bit messy so I decided to jump into the shower for a quick rinse before refreshing with a new pad. I came out of the shower... and the pad... was gone. Not a sign of it. I quickly grabbed my robe... ran downstairs to the living room... where... my dog... (oh yes... you squeamish folks best be heading for the hills now...) was having a nice tasty snack.

Firstly, you don't want to know about the bloody mess this made. Literally. And secondly... you don't want to know what havoc this little snack wreaked upon his intestinal tract.

 
At 6/7/05 21:56, Blogger The Lioness said...

Oh I've seen worse at vet school, believe me. I don't it find it too disgusting (at least it's YOUR blood right?) - but the poor dog...

You mean like these:

http://www.thekeeperinc.com/

Are they really good? Fill me in!

 
At 6/7/05 22:15, Anonymous Manuela said...

http://manuela.blogs.com/thin_pink_line/2005/04/index.html

Here's the link to my April archive... scroll to my post on April 4th... the one called "Bloody Details", there's a highly detailed account of why I LOVE the Diva Cup... and no... I do not work for them and no I don't get some sort of kickback in exchange for extolling how fabulous this product is! Check it out and let me know what you think.

 
At 7/7/05 02:12, Blogger ThreeBees said...

I had to laugh! Too funny!

Hope your ovary check up goes well and all is okay.

 
At 7/7/05 02:31, Blogger Candace said...

Ah, OK, DOWNWARD.

See, now it makes sense!

 
At 7/7/05 02:43, Blogger CarpeDM said...

Secret of freshness. Hmm. That makes sense. But I'm with Noorster. The best way to keep them fresh is to scatter them around the house. And use Febreeze. Or the All Febreeze like stuff, bought solely because it has a frog on it. I like frogs.

I hate tampons. Mainly because, mmm, how do I put this tactfully, well, since it's been so long since I've had male companionship, a tampon is too big to deal with. And they don't make slender regular sizes anymore. Sacana!

Completely get the sunny-side up as well. I do the exact same thing. Have never walked on one. However, I did tuck a lovely pink package into my skirt waist band once, on my way to the bathroom (because it would be too much trouble to take my purse). Where it promptly slithered down and landed on the floor in front of my boss and his boss and their boss. Yeah, that was fun.

 
At 7/7/05 04:51, Blogger Lord Chimmy said...

I Febreeze everything...I think I am going to start spraying it on my body when I get out of the shower.

>>Maybe next time I’ll tell you how my gynaecologist once blew on my cooter to "make it all better" but only if you really, really want me to.<<

haha. Good thing I was not drinking at the time or I'd have done a spit-take. haha.

 
At 7/7/05 06:02, Blogger Panda said...

I have the same problem with the Tampax. Glad its not just me!

And TWO WARDROBES???? That's what the floor is for my dear. One side of the room for clean clothes and one for worn clothes. Didn't your mother teach you anything?

I shrug my shoulders at hormones now. I give up, I really do. They have a mind of their own and no grounding in reality. Though maybeee...you could try a BCP that has a really high progesterone dose in it. When my cycles went nutso a few years ago, this is what I was put on and it worked. Until I developed endo, of course. Like I said...*shrug*

 
At 7/7/05 14:11, Blogger Diana said...

So much to comment on, so little time. All my hernia causing books and online stuff is at the office and I won't be seeing it till next week, so you will have to wait, but peruse, I will and send you rambly e-mail thoughts. Finally! Her Patented Secret of the Fresh Closets. Good to know I am not the only one who only washed what is obviously smelly or stained. Loved the bloody footprint. Once again, I am just so very happy to be compatible with the tampon. I've had some use the Diva Cup and liked it, may be worth a try.

 
At 10/7/05 01:05, Anonymous Soper said...

Hee hee hee... You are a nut.

The pill is evil. You can quote me on that.

 
At 10/7/05 02:08, Blogger The Lioness said...

I believe you, believe me! I should be grateful I had all these relatively normal years. Though for naught, it would seem. We'll see.

And Joe, finally got that unkind bit. Amazing, considering I myself wrote it. Gah. No, that BF sailed a long time ago. And yes, she is a real doctor, and it was in the same context as when we blow on a kid's injured finger to make it all better.

 
At 14/7/05 04:13, Blogger Orange said...

Yes, this is now an old post, but I could hear your bloody cry for help all the way from Tertia's blog. I don't know if the Tampax Pearl variety of tampon is available in Portugal, but it worked wonders for me. It butterflies outward to grab hold of the walls instead of sliding down and out. It's a bitch and a half to remove when a tad dry (you can fix that by leaving it really long!), but wonderful compared to a leaky sliding tampon.

 
At 14/7/05 12:18, Blogger The Lioness said...

What, old posts need no lurve??

I am still laughing, I've never heard of them, tnaks! Will look into the matter but I also fear they aggravate the cramps. But it's good to know bcs going to the beach is always a bloody pain, no pun intended.

My "bloody cry for help" - excellent!

 

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