Thursday, September 08, 2005

WANTED: Lesbian Supervision

I have a male friend who is gay and as book-crazy as I am and I have therefore been reading gay literature for years now. That has taught me a truly great lot abt gay culture - alas, at times almost more than I could bear for some things I did not need to know, and yet I now do. His dinner parties have also exposed me to some truly flamboyant characters, whom I love to talk to bcs they are hilarious and their mannerisms are to die for. Thanks to them I have been introduced to such pearls as Domesticity Isn't Pretty and a rather delightfully foul-mouthed Bette Midler. I was never a fag hag but oh I can think of much worse things. Of coure, now I never go out clubbing anymore and I'm only up by 6 am if I have insomnia but those were fun times.

He lived abroad for a while, then I lived abroad, then he lived abroad - so whenever we happened to be in the same country and it was here I'd go round and bring a batch of books w me to see me through 2 weeks or so. Of course, him being gay, my being straight and curious, those happened to be 99.9% gay books (author AND theme, that is, so you'd have Coupland who is not obviously gay and then the gay plots/characters). Some I found vile, some I found passable, some absolutely lovely, some unbelievably hysterical, some disturbingly beautiful. Auster's Moon Palace came home w me one of those times and, as much as I was loving it, I couldn't fully appreciate it bcs halfway into the story, there still was NO SIGN of the gay character! Where was the gay character? When would he show up? WHERE WAS THE GAY CHARACTER ALREADY, this absence was too disconcerting.


Abt 2/3 into the book I realised there was NO gay character, NONE WHATSOEVER. The git had given me a straight book for fuck's sake, and without warning me first! I was absolutely livid and am still outraged to this day and he still laughs heartily when we talk abt it. There is always a tense moment upon picking new books now as I narrow my eyes and enquire abt the straighticity of all involved. And he'd better be accurate bcs if there are going to be straight books among that pile AGAIN, I'd better be forwarned.

--- He always refused to take me to the one lesbian bar we had in the city when I asked, he always said he wouldn't be able to protect me. What the hell does that mean? I sat on little pyramid-shaped stools in a gay bar - alright so the tips were rounded but I SAT ON A BLOODY CONE TIP FOR HIM and yet he refused to take me to a lesbian bar. What were the lesbians going to do, beat him up? Isn't he kin of sorts? Or would they mob me, do I look too straight? Are our lesbians more predatory? WHAT? The ignorant Anthropologist, now I fit right in. ---

All this to say, I am pretty fluent in Gayish, not so in Lesbianish. His cousin is a lesbian as well - but my only contact w her were his parties, and one day she showed up w her girfriend who was the daughter of a colleague of mine from when I was reading Anthropology who was just the tiniest bit mad, and with whom I had done fieldwork in the North [and good grief the horror stories I could tell you abt that], and so I exclaimed S., hullo! The world is a small pea indeed, how is your mother? And she replied I wouldn't know. And I dearly wished I'd choke on the pea but as stated, it was a rather smallish one. So yes, Gayish Spoken and that is all.

I now need your assistance bcs I am watching the 1st episode of The L Word and I am enjoying it, even though it builds up a bit slowly, and I find it fabulous that they really kiss and get naked and grind their pelvis against each other etc. and there is no hypocrisy in the filming of it, it looks bloody real, so real I am left wondering if the actresses are all lesbians, that's how good they are. And I love Shane, I LOVE HER, the way she moves, the way she talk, her voice, LOVE LOVE LOVE! She is what I'd like to be if I didn't give a damn and were tough and careless and androgynously skinny and gorgeous and dark and supremely confident in my skin and profoundly scarred and wary of willies. [But I haven't even finished watching the 1st episode so what do I know abt Shane.]

Just now they were sitting around discussing Shane, who is the equivalent of the group's stud. See? I do not have accurate vocabulary for this! Shane is bonking her way through Southern California, it would seem, and doesn't much care whether her chosen ones' hearts are broken in the process as long as she is given access to other organs and bits. So, after she gets up to go shag yet another one the girls [am I allowed to call American lesbians girls or must it be women at all times? Serioulsy.] talk abt it and they decide it is her confidence and then one of them says:

Shane has the best nipples and she knows it.


And this one sentence showed me the gulf between all lesbians and me bcs I had noticed Shane's breasts in the sense that she doesn't have any really. And I am aware that nipples are part of the package, yes. But I wasn't of the fact that you can have almost no boobs at all and still it doesn't matter bcs you have the best nipples. We are all influenced by the straight culture we grow up in and men pay loads of attention to the boobs and whether they can see the nipple, yes, but it's the visibility of it rather than how glamorous it is that matters, the nipple being more or less the cherry on top. Or am I mistaken?

Shane is said to have nipple confidence and I'll say, where have I been that I don't know these things? They all live in L.A., I suppose that could make a difference, they're differently obsessed over there. Let that be it, I don't want to have to start worrying abt my nipples now, my ass is taking too much of my time as it is! Is the nipple the new penis, w all the size and shape and girth worries it entails?

Possible lesbian readership, I'd love to have your take on this. Elswhre? Jen? Anyone?


At 8/9/05 16:46, Blogger cat said...

nipples snipples... it's the ass that counts keep obsessing. ;)

At 8/9/05 17:08, Blogger The Lioness said...

You a lesbian? No? Shut up then! ;)

At 8/9/05 17:40, Anonymous noorster said...

Sorry, this is completely unrelated, and I'm as straight as they get, so you may proceed and krav maga my sorry butt.
BUT I just noticed that you have the life cycle of sac fungi as your profile picture and I wanted to take the time to bow before you and worship your hysterical footsteps.

At 8/9/05 18:37, Blogger CarpeDM said...

I have no idea. This is very interesting. And I, by the way, have very nice nipples, not that anyone will ever see them again because I'm becoming a nun.

Oh, how funny is this? The word verification word is gayfmyze. That amuses me.

At 8/9/05 19:51, Blogger Udge said...

Sharp eyes, Noorster (but we knew that from your Flickr photostream). I'm not a lesbian, so I won't say anything about the nipples issue.

At 8/9/05 20:18, Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

Somewhat straight myself but I think that the nipples in the L.A. lesbians has something to do with the general plasticism of that area, where more women than usual have balloons under their shirts. Perhaps that is played up in the L.A. lesbian community as portrayed in that show too, that even if they don't have large breasts their nipples have been cosmetically perfected.

Or I could be very wrong. Never mind.

At 8/9/05 20:32, Blogger brooksba said...

Being a straight woman, I have no clue. Even during my days of having a gay roommate, my experience is more with gay men than lesbians. We'll just have to wait for experts to give opinions. Sorry!

At 9/9/05 00:17, Blogger Serialangel said...

Ooh! Ooh! I'm a lesbian!

Unfortunately I'm still 17 and too young looking to get into clubs yet, but I still know things. Lesbians have fun with sex. It's very easy to have sex with someone and just end up as friends afterwards, so a lot of your group would have seen you naked. I guess in L.A nipples are like the only natural thing left (unless there's a new surgery.)I dunno, nipples are just...playful. That is new for me. Nipples are fun, they're like little penises, but most of the action is of course in the bajinga.

The great thing about lesbian sex is that you can go on for hours until your just a pool of sweat. Lesbians like curvy girls, we like them healthy, but appreciate long legs.

I watch the L Word whenever I can, mainly because of Shane (I've seen about half of series 2, and she is amazing. There's an episode where she goes: "It's so hot. So lesbian" *fans self*) Everytime I think of her my eyes glaze over, I think she is amazingly hot. For me, its the lips that hook me, and the hair, and the whole punkyness of her. She is a stud.

I dunno, theres loads of lesbian stuff I could tell you, this comment can run and run. You can always ask me. And if you're wondering, you would do great as a lesbian ;)

At 9/9/05 02:05, Blogger Jen said...

Boy, I thought I was going to have to be the voice of all lesbians... a task for which I am NOT prepared. But thankfully there is SerialAngel to help me out (and speak for the babydykes out there).

Unfortunately, I can't be much help here except to say most lesbians agree that The L Word is about as representative of REAL lesbian life as um, (see, this is where the lack of TV watching really hurts) um, Baywatch is of lifeguarding. Which is to say, NOT AT ALL.

The dykes I know are not fixated on any one part - some like boobs, some like butts, some like elbows for all I know. Haven't really heard of nipples as THE point (ha! ha!) on which all lesbos are judged. But they are an important thing. I would say, though, that lesbians are less concerned with size alone and more with the totality of the boob - shape, appearance, nipple, size, etc.

And I'd agree with SA, you'd be MORE than welcome on our team, J!

At 9/9/05 03:47, Blogger Benjamin said...

okay, so originally I just wanted to post my raucous laughter, which is where I ended up by the end of this post. But I thought that wouldn't really fit, and you probably wanted some intelligent feedback.

But then I just saw a commercial for chips (no, the american kind. crisps? what? I don't know) with the tagline "when you love nips, it shows."

ah, hahahahahahahahahaahah.

At 9/9/05 11:53, Blogger The Lioness said...

SO, it seems to be fair to say that LA lesbians are beauty freaks. And L Word is representative of nothing. Bloody hell. How will I get my education now? I live in the armpit of Europe!

Noors, happy you noticed it. I find it so fitting and pretty. Glad it made you laugh, it still gives me nightmares. Memorising fungi is shit, absolute shit.

DM, rock on w your bad nipples. And don't talk rubbish, you are not going to be a nun. It'd be helpful if you didn't send the men away though.

Oh Udge, go right ahead. Male take on it will be appreciated.

Lorem, I can't see Shane having plastic surgery (am up to episode 6 by now, waiting for rest to download). But it makes sense that LA would be influential all around.

Beth, same here. Bleak, eh?

Serialangel, sweetie, where to start? Tnx for the briefing, I am much more informed now. If lesbians have found the secret to sleeping w someone and then remaining friends well, they are more evolved than the rest of us indeed. [Just a quick note though, heteros have fun w sex as well. Well the lucky ones, anyway. And the sweat thing may apply as well.] This: "we like them healthy, but appreciate long legs." reminded me of when I used to ride, I appreciated many a filly in much the same manner. Lesbians and mares, who knew. I will hold you as an expert even though you are a minor, deal. Tnx for helping!

Jen, and Brit babydykes at that! [Or am I not allowed to say "dyke"? This is very confusing.] You sure not every lesbian is gorgeous and hip and has a 500 dollar haircut?? Surely you jest. So there is some fundament to The Nipple, I see. Am happy to find out you are not all absolutely mad and do see the forest. Or something. This nipple thing has grown larger than life, no pun intended.

Betty and Jen, thank you dahlings - and why? DO I look lesbian? I had a boyfriend who was constantly hit on but that never happened to me w women. Maybe I look like an ANGLO lesbian?? *gets alle xcited w the exotic prospect* Seriously, tell me!

But actually, do you know what sort of lesbian I'd be? I'd be the lesbian all others are ashamed of. I'd be shunned, messengers would be sent to remote villages, meetings would be held behind closed doors, I'd be The Bloody Lesbian Who Likes Men. And oh, not only that, but also The Lesbian Who Can't Be Bothered W The Nipple Thingy! Wouldn't that be a disaster? Bad lesbo potential, I'm afraid. *hangs head in shame*

Ben dahling, best thing abt my blog, intelligent feedback NOT required at all! So feel free to come in and laugh or smile or splutter whenever you feel like it. Looooved the Nips Crisps/Chips (very good lingo, yes!). I'm sure it does.

At 9/9/05 16:46, Blogger CarpeDM said...

I saw that commercial Ben is talking about and you know, now that I think of it, yeah, I'm going to join in with the laughter. What were they thinking with that tagline?

And, excuse me, but how do I send the men away from me? You make it sound like they are clamoring at my feet for me to date them and I just can't be bothered. Must I remind you, again, of the 8 years of celibacy? 8 YEARS!

At 9/9/05 17:59, Blogger M said...

obviously, I'm not a member of this demo, but hey! I know plenty (ok, three) L.A. lesbians and they're not all shallow and plastic surgeried. TV has lied to us! what a nightmare!

At 9/9/05 19:10, Blogger The Lioness said...

DM, these days you are all talk and no action. You do not allow the poor things to as much as approach you, how will you ever get past that little celibacy hurdle?

M, TV lied?? NO! I am shocked! [Do ask them abt the nipples though, if you don't mind, tell them it's tehir duty to help enlighten Southern Europe. Or whatever else sounds good!]

At 11/9/05 02:15, Blogger Jen said...

Yes, dear, you are the most lesbian-looking sac fungi I have ever seen.

"Dyke" - well, some people would say you can use that word and others would say the only people who can use it are those who claim the identity. Me, I don't care too much if it's used with respect or the RIGHT kind of humor (course that's in the eye of the beholder, making it a crappy rule of thumb).

(Cait just observed that she likes my nipples but is frustrated that she is not currently allowed within 6 miles of them.)

Now, if you want to see some REAL lesbians, rent ... shit, there aren't very many good movies with real lesbians. Ah hell, come on over and visit and we'll show you real lesbian life (East Coast style: birkenstocks, hairy legs and co-ops. none of this LA crap)!

PS - it's not US that has the hairy legs. just lots of the lesbos around here. cait wanted that to be known also.

At 11/9/05 02:17, Blogger Cait said...

Well hell, I might as well get SOME credit for shaving my legs this morning....

At 14/9/05 04:02, Blogger elswhere said...

Oh, jeez, I'm late to the party once again. Start-of-school has really swamped me. But hey-- I'm a lesbian!

However, I've been in a monogamous couple for ten years and never get out of the house. So I have no idea if nipples are cool.

I don't know any real-life lesbians like the L-Word characters, though. Well, not exactly like. Yeah. The Baywatch analogy above is about right by me, too.

However, I agree that Shane is HOT.

One note of caution: keep your eye on Jenny.

At 14/9/05 15:10, Blogger The Lioness said...

Jen, so I do look a bit lesbian, who knew! I certainly didn't. And good for you! Hot nipples, eh? Cait, er, hold on tight, no pun intended? It will get better? Also, re the East Coast style, seems like you lesbians have a lot in common w our left-winger feminists, yes? Also, am hunting for book already, as recommended.

Cait, I personally can't stand hairy legs, so that would doom me to being an LA lesbian but then I'd find them equally annoying if on a different level so... Am condemned to straightdom.

Elswhere, funny, I hardly ever get house of the house myself. Maybe that's the first ingredient in What Makes A Lesbian. However, I will add I hope you soon find that nipples can be rather cool, yes. Even I know that, and I'm only 1/20th lesbian. Or something.

Shane will get a haircut later on, I've seen pics - am up to episode 6 or 7, Jenny and HOTTIE [er, sorry] got married and he fled - am not impressed, like her better w more hair. Jenny is what we call "sonsa", far too coy and Oh I'm so helpless please save me *eyelashes galore* She annoys the bloody hell out of me. Hope Hottie kicks her off for good - but then he'd be gone as well, so let0s keep Jenny. Marina is sexy but she reminds me of a praying mantis, am quite sure she'd wat anything on sight that he fancied.

Why, what will happen to her? DO TELL!

At 14/9/05 16:23, Blogger Jen said...


At 14/9/05 16:34, Blogger The Lioness said...

I see.

Mad Anglos, not sure I'd told you this today already. HARP on it. Ha! ;)

At 15/9/05 06:10, Blogger Zilchman said...

All this hot L talk among you girls has made me finally realise I AM A FUCKING LESBIAN TOO!



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