19th of October

fell asleep at 22.something holding my Microbiology book after 7 straight hours of classes and much bureaucratic running around

woke up now, 3.15, psyche won't be fooled

contemplating life and death, mostly the latter, moving on, nothing new to see here, psyche

jaw hurts a bit, must have been grinding teeth again

makes sense because:

dreamt of him yesterday, we were on the phone and he was pretty listless and seemed to have lost his ability to understand english, hebrew and portuguese bcs i kept repeating myself in all 3 languages in the hopes of something getting through. he was listless bcs his girfriend had died you-know-when. i had just been to eilat(!) where he now worked(!) on an animal shelter(!) and we'd missed seeing each other for some reason. i told him such a shame [haval][ha] that we missed each other. he said oh well and you could see his I-don't-care shrug through the telephone. i became upset bcs after all he'd been dead and i'd been desperate and now he was alive again and in eilat and i could have seen him again and he couldn't be bothered to even pretend he cared abt any of it - i said well fuck you, just like that, and then the housekeeper rang the bell and i woke up and then i was awake and rather mad at myself for wtf way to speak to people is that even in a dream, and this was him, and then i couldn't go back to sleep and was even madder bcs telling him to go fuck himself and having appalling conversations on the phone is so much better than my being awake again and him being dead again and i not hearing his voice again

[wish i could cry properly instead of all this is a river in egypt discombobulation of sorts]

i live in fear of losing my mobile, i do. i thought i had the other day and my stomach contracted and my mouth filled w spit and I thought i was going to experience the 2nd spontaneous vomit of my life. don't know how to upload the recording. wish i did. wouldn't mind paying a fortune to nokia if only they could help me. can't bear to ask in case they say they cannot

still haven't emailed lila. (created new skype account, in case you're reading, but have forgotten what username is again.) (and i'm sorry, i really am)(you know avoidance becomes me, yes?)

it's very hard to google old posts and then link to them and ensure nothing of said post is actually read by accident - accidents will happen

(thanks Udge but the whole category is verboten for now)

am trying to decide it's ll right not to ring his family today, will email instead

i really, really, REALLY, PLEASE NO! don't want to ring his family today, can't even bear to think of the conversation we would have. and it's not like it changes anything or even helps them is it. or me

have emailed instead

his older brother is getting married, his mum told me when i called a few weeks ago. i am also terrified we will eventually lose contact, see, i had to ring them to find out. if he were alive he'd have rung me immediately to tell me

there will be a wedding. a happy occasion. he'd have loved to see it. and then many a joke abt dysfunctional families and may this break the curse could and would have been made

his older brother is bound to have children himself - that would make uzi an uncle

except it wouldn't

(...) and all we need of hell