Friday, October 14, 2005

This post took close to 4 hours to write which means I cannot now be bothered to think of a title

[EDITORIAL NOTE: Am behind in answering comments, sorry abt that, but delighted that there are so many new people! Welcome, where are you all coming from?? Also, am flabbergasted by your response to my ranting at the end of previous post. If you knew what I felt like writing you’d realise I wrote in a rather benign and neutral manner. And if you knew the whole story you’d laud my restraint, especially considering the very recent naff cat postcard accompanied by a criticising, self-serving letter masquerading as contrition and I hope this was the last of its kind – any kind really.]

Yesterday Ana and I finally – FINALLY! - managed to meet. She is almost unbearably cute with her
simultaneously tiny and humungous belly. Too ready to pop, Ana is. [Think kind vaginal thoughts for her please ] She brought her daughter along, much to the child’s dismay. I was obviously a stranger and did not remotely look like green grass, which was what she wanted to play with, nor did I show much of an inclination to join her on the floor where she diligently kept perfecting an already flawless breaststroke. Furthermore, I seemed to feel the need to eat, thereby influencing her mother to act likewise, instead of calmly explaining to the mother why she should be leaving with her much neglected offspring already. Ana was exactly what I thought she would be like, only free range and with a voice - most disturbing.

Saugut [see sidebar and The Needy Pig] is a private joke, just between me and every German-speaking person. It means "sow good", "swine good", which in turn means "brilliant!" in German. See? I AM hilarious. [Udge - no one else speaks German, right? Lurkers? - I'm surprised you didn't remark upon it, little Saugut didn't quite catch your fancy?]

I have been lured by the charm of Veronica Mars. I started watching and thought Oh no, not another series abt teenagers and their angst-ridden wardrobes big cars Gucci bags lives [the 2 OC episodes I watched in horror *many a furball* still being very much on my mind] – and then it turned into Oh. Oh. That’s interesting! – which was then further replaced by Bloody hell why haven’t the other episodes downloaded yet, GO VERONICA!

Cat, wake me up again at 6 am.
No, seriously.
No, go on, WAKE ME UP AGAIN AT 6 AM if you want to co-write Misery: My Life As A Migrant Invalid.


Contact Combat indeed. Krav Maga, remeber? KM is how Jen.Lopez managed to defeat Rotten Hubby in that one movie, remember how precise and lethal are movements looked? [Here are some videoclips, I’ve never watched them but they are bound to be interesting]. I've started lessons and if my belly doesn’t soon end up looking like this there will be much grief all around. In the meantime there is pain, there is a whole array of pain and on so many different levels.

General Pain Level:
For you to fully understand this you must realise that I haven’t done any sports since I stopped riding, which must have happened around 1992. Gah. I am in horrible shape, I AM IN HORRIBLE SHAPE! I am in the worst shape you could imagine. I seem to be using my lung capacity better now that I’ve quit smoking but I have no stamina, no muscle definition, I AM AN AMORPHOUS SACK OF AMORPHOUS BLOBS CONNECTED BY AMORPHOUS BLURBS!

Did you know that before starting the ass-kicking itself one needs to warm up? I’d blocked all that from my mind and instead chose to believe I’d be urged to softly rotate my joints, careful not to displace any tiny microscopic creatures worthy of our respect that may be nesting there.

[Chorus: Look here, there will be running you know. That’s what combat sports’ warming up is all about.
Lioness: Oh rubbish! I shall not run.
Chorus: But you must. There will be running and sit ups and push ups.
Lioness: Me?? NEVER! Shows you how much you know.]

I nearly collapsed. Who runs?? I mean, WHO THE HELL RUNS?? And why would people do it willingly? It hurts! It robs you of your breath and your pride and it builds up far too much lactic acid. This was on Monday and on Tuesday I could barely move, I am not exaggerating, all of my muscles, even some I am sure I am not supposed to have, seized up. Go look up Muscle Diagram and there you'll find me. I have to be helped out of sofas and couches and walked poorly, if at all, top opf my head parallel to the ground.

Specific Pain Level
Liberally sprinkled between the two of us you can find one bad wrist [bovine origin], one bad knee [psoriatic origin, one fears], one bad ankle [Me-No-Feel-Pain-Me-No-Need-For-Medicine-Man origin]. Therefore, we are the poster couple for ankle support
, hand wraps and knee support.

So, some exercises I don’t do at all (push ups, wrist will have none of it) and everything that is knee-related is on a Let’s see how this one goes basis. On Wednesday I didn’t participate in the warming up session with quite the same enthusiasm, thereby reducing the amount of pain I live in (Ana can atest to the truth of all my pain statements, having been there to watch me try to get up. Repeatedly. She was the heavily pregant one.). But then we fasted, so – oh well. There’s always something.

Pride Pain Level
On Wednesday the Instructor watched me do this
and actually shook his head and sighed! I told him I would worry abt elegance at a later date but WTH?? I am the only person not achieving instant coordination and gracefulness, is that it? He’ll see, give me a few months and he will see. Anyway, I bet he can’t dance salsa AT ALL. So there. *sticks tongue out*

Now, there are only 3 females, the rest of the class is populated by penises and their attached humans. This caused the Instructor (are they also called Master in English?) to advise the new men to avail themselves to that which has been described as perhaps the quintessential homoerotic ritual robe because, just as it enshrines the symbol of the myth of masculinity, so too the straps that originate in the top elastic circumscribe the buttocks and disappear in the anus, bringing us to that place where masculinity meets its mythic undoing. And so, as suggested by the versatility of Apollo, there are two sides to the jockstrap that symbolize the homoerotic paradox: the pouch in the front as the shrine of masculinity joined to the straps in the back framing its mythic violation. Hysterical, yes?

Funnily enough, no word was said abt us, the 3 females, and do we not bleed? Do we not have boobs? Do we not need this:

Chest guardChest guard pads

I truly don’t know if we will need these. You may think I am overdoing it. Let me I assure you there’s a fairly good chance that I am not. Let’s examine why:

KM Eye Punch


Now, picture me on the right, holding a shield for the first time; A big male looking pretty much like the girl on the left (only bigger and fiercer, of course); my left eye; a blur; and a lesson in the indirect effects of testosterone on the female body.

This Krav Maga thingy may yet rearrange my anatomy in most surprising ways but I promise I’ll go kicking into the night. HA!

[Shabbat Shalom, dahlings]

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At 14/10/05 20:17, Blogger brooksba said...

Good for you, learning to kick butt. I know that it hurts now and I also know that you'll be so determined to master it that you will end up with the results you want.

Sorry, but this made me laugh right out loud: "he actually has muscles one can see and even admire, unlike some others who shall remain nameless". I'm sorry you are still having issues. Good grief! I can just imagine the full blown rant you'd really like to write.

You are amazing.


At 14/10/05 21:39, Blogger Serialangel said...

Hey-a! Kicking butt is fun! In like three months you'll be fit and muscle-ly (cannae spell). Does that discouraging? Sorry, but it's good, it's all good you can start to lord it over much unfit (ie: Me!) And, anyway when you feel like you can't move you have to keep moving anyway. Hope your muscles unlock eventually,

Betty x

At 14/10/05 22:17, Blogger Nancy said...

Yes, you really do need to wear protective equipment..

err... uhmm thanks for the link btw... I rather enjoyed the southern view myself...

Warm water and gentle moving might help on the sore muscles.

Enjoy the classes, and kick some butt.. err or whatever part of who's ever anatomy that so requires.


At 15/10/05 04:13, Blogger Benjamin said...

You're studying Krav together? How absolutely perfect. Shalom indeed, dear.

At 15/10/05 04:24, Blogger CarpeDM said...

How very cool.

So I was watching this show that I've become addicted to (How I Met Your Mother) because I love Neil Patrick Harris and Ted mentioned that the girl he was dating is taking Krav Maga and I thought huh? He thought it was some sort of yoga until he broke up with her and then she kicked his ass. And I thought hey, this is kind of cool. I wonder if Johnny knows about this. And look! You do!

I'm thinking this is going to make Loverboy's shoulders even more lovely. There's nothing like a good set of shoulders.


Was it JIP? Or Hum-Hum?

I think Saugut is lovely and like to feed him and get him dirty so I can clean him. Yes. I am a freak.

Ha! The word verification is bitewn. That amuses me.

At 15/10/05 10:09, Blogger Ana said...

We must have made a pretty pair to look at on Wednesday, both having trouble getting up from the table and walking 100 metres to the car.

We definitly must meet again when R is at school. She is such a lovely child when she's at school!

I hope your muscles are giving you a break now.

At 15/10/05 15:47, Blogger D said...

When my E. first saw me wear a jockstrap, she was sure I was about to parttake in a porn flick. With no women invited.

There are in fact men who train without them. Until the purpose of the jock is demonstrated to them by way of example. Even a kick in the groin when wearing it is extremely painful, and I don't wanna think about what it would be like without it.

For those not in the know: It's not a set of underpants, no matter how much J. likes to make you think. It's a cupholder, and you can insert either a strong plastic shield, or for those who train/spar harder or fight in the ring, there are metal ones, covered in leather. AND THEY WORK.

Now I want to see a pic of your E. in the jockstrap.

At 15/10/05 20:21, Blogger Diana said...

No, no, no. Male thongs bad. V. v. bad. Good of you to take such a stand. Good luck on the building of the muscles out of all the bits of blobs and blurbs. Are you sure it is worth it? Funny for us, yes, but for you, ouch! Well, the one who is not sore can use his strong, muscled fingers and massage out all the lactic acid from the one who is.

At 16/10/05 02:47, Blogger The June Cleaver Diaries said...

I think in general, thongs are just nasty. We all know where that string goes. Eew. Especially on a guy. Bleck.

At 16/10/05 06:36, Blogger Henri-V said...

Oh, new life detail -- you were a rider! A life ago I was too.

Can you get your hands on arnica gel for soreness? I still use smelly menthol muscle rubs when we don't have arnica in the house. More posts about your krav sessions, the disproportionate penis to non-penis ratio, and observations on manly athletic behavior.

I agree with not-martha re: thongs.

I still feel lost about your last post and the not-nice person who plagues you; I sincerely hope your pursuer will not return to waste your time!

At 16/10/05 19:26, Blogger cat said...

You spent four whole hours on us? Bless you. Couples martial arts how adorable. May you learn to kick many asses.

Er... I'm not waking you up swear.

At 16/10/05 20:57, Blogger Udge said...

Re Saugut: sorry, I am so thoroughly acculturalised that it simply didn't occur to me that "Saugut" was in any way unusual for an english-language portuguese jewish blog :-) A million apologies. It is indeed an extremely cute and witty name for a very pretty piglet.

At 17/10/05 14:08, Blogger The Lioness said...

Beth, if the insanity doesn't end now I may just post that email for all the world to see, and send it to the parents as well.

Betty, no, it's what's keeping me sane actually, it's bound to get better right? RIGHT?

Nancy, sorry but what Southern view? Muscles are much, much better and yes, much hot water has been used.

Ben, we are, that way we'll keep our lazy asses on the road to fitness, see? No excuses!

DM, Hum-Hum of course, and agaion from 6 am today, GAHHH! I am crazy abt Saugut as well!

Ana, I dare say you looked better, oh the shame of it!

Dany, your E. had it right. Metal ones I have yet to see but still, hysterical! I might take that pic you know, I just might. :DD

Diana, aren't they though?? It is very much worth it, it is, as you say, empowering. I need to be able to make my body work for me. I was so out of shape it was bound to hurt, regardless of how careful I am (pulled a ligament, I think, effort pain only around my left ovary area when I do sit ups only so am prety sure it's muscular but meh, unfit, see? Needs to be changed.)

SNM, I like thongs for us actually, but had never considered it in quite that light. :DDD

HenryV hurrah! I used to go riding on the beach at sunset, can you believe that? Then I broke a vertebra in a car accident and became too afraid. I miss it loads. I actually do have some arnica cream that I am using. You feel lost bcs I never mentioned him here but he is bloody annoying me now and needs to stop this and get a life, as you say. I hope so too.

Cat, I wanted to write a follow up post on the Krav Maga lessons and knew that if I posponed any longer I wouldn't, and then spent hours looking for all the warps and protections etc, and then the tweaking and adjusting etc (I'm very anal re language), add some natural stubborness - well, almost 4 h, yes. Waking me up is indeed a sin but I am still - sadly - mostly harmless.

Udge, now I feel validated, I thought it was pure genius myself! Danke sehr!

At 2/2/06 18:10, Blogger Me said...

I am so glad to read all of the positive articles on Krav Maga. I have been taking Krav Maga for a year and a half and I love it. It's the best workout I've ever had. Keep up the good work.

John -


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