Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Countdown

I've just realised something. It's true I have been overwhelmed w work lately at at most I've had time to briefly check how you lot are but. BUT. I have been avoiding Israeli and Jewish bloggers. Also, I STILL have not talked to Lila, at all - that also has to do with the fact that she hasn't downloaded google talk yet, but mostly not. Also to do w the fact that she's to understanding to properly kiss my bloody ass into shape.

You know why, right? Well I do. It's been almost a year. I also realised I have started an inner countdown and quite frankly, am terrified. I know I will want to hide away but as luck would have it, it's right bfr the beginning of exams, which MUST go well this year. I know I won't be watching any news at all, or listening to the radio. It will come whether I'm ready or not and I know I'm not. Above all, I'm terrified of my lack of words regarding him, am afraid that I have buried him too deep to be accessible anymore, and that I have lost part of us, part of him, in the process. Most of all, I don't understand how he can have been dead for almost a year. I still dream of saving drowning people/animals (or trying to anyway, I'm never successful even w a wetsuit, even in my sleep), I think abt him every single day, several times, I talk to him - do you know, I knew I was going to earn some money in the game show bcs a white butterfly flew right across my windscreen when I reached the last roundabout. I just knew it. I still sometimes toy w the idea that it was all a mistake. I don't want him dead, I don't want him gone, I don't want the rest of my life without his smile and his voice and his faces. Last year, bcs I was still a bit ill and deranged w worry, I managed to fall asleep at around 7 pm and sleep through the New Year. I didn't want to be celebrating, I didn't feel there was anything worth celebrating, he was missing and I was missing him and fearing the worst, nothing else mattered really. I wish I could fall asleep today and wake up some time at the end of February, past most of the ritual horror. If I were very rich I'm sure I could. The first time that X, the first time that Y, am so afraid of it. There are decades worth of it awaiting us. How will I do this? And a bang on the ear.

[UPDATE - Well. 4.30 am is also called the hour of the dead. I'm right on schedule.]

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21 Comments:

At 16/11/05 11:16, Blogger brooksba said...

I thought about you tonight and about Uzi. You fear the words have gone too deep and I know it is hard to write. They are still there. It will never be easy, but you can know that you are loved and your love has shown so many how to love him.

I'm always here if you need me.

 
At 16/11/05 14:53, Blogger Diana said...

Please don't worry that you are burying him too deep or that you will not be able to retrieve what you had. You are processing it. Just not on the surface. Time will pass. It will soften and you will be able to remember and relive with more joy and less pain. It truly will become easier, just not for a long while, and for that, I am truly sorry.

 
At 16/11/05 18:20, Blogger Udge said...

Könnte ich Dir diesen Schlaf schenken, würde ich es gerne tun. Nenne es "Trauerarbeit", und akzeptiere daß es eine Arbeit, eine Verarbeitung, ist und seine Zeit nehmen wird. Er ist weder Dir noch (dank Deine Worte) uns verlorengegangen; im Gegenteil. Sei umarmt, und weiß daß Du geliebt bist, von Loverboy und von uns.

Not sure why I found that easier in German...

 
At 16/11/05 20:01, Blogger Manuela said...

Staring at the keys... struggling to find words... me... the babbler looking for words...

What I'm tempted to do, is post your very own comment, the one that you left for me when Sarah died...

Johnny... I think of you so often of late... but I'm still not finding the words...

 
At 16/11/05 20:28, Blogger Dale said...

As my grandmother might say, "Now, girl, don't go borrowing trouble! 'Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day.'"

You're not dealing with tomorrow's trouble, you know. No way to do that. Your trouble today is worrying about tomorrow's trouble.

Seriously, let tomorrow's trouble happen tomorrow. Because it will anyway, I promise :-)

(Job had just such comforters, I know.)

Anyway, what I really want to say is {{{Johnny}}}. Hugs, dear.

 
At 17/11/05 02:21, Blogger Jennifer said...

Wow, after reading all your links, I'm glad I posted the butterflies and hope they brought you some comfort.

 
At 17/11/05 17:58, Blogger CarpeDM said...

I love you, sweetie. I'm always here for you. I wish I was there so I could hug you.

 
At 17/11/05 18:13, Blogger Nancy said...

Think of the year as a chance to change the way you carry him with you. Now, you need to carry him in joy, not sorrow.

I'm dreading the coming months as well, but for what I will lose, not for what I've lost already.

(((hugs))) and keep watching for butterflies.

 
At 17/11/05 18:28, Blogger cat said...

You and Uzi will be in my thoughts. The season has passed for butterflies but they will return they always do and in some way this is him too... always here... even when you can't see or feel him. You remember and that is enough how you do that is ever changing and it always will be.

May you find some peace as this first year passes. May the coming year be one of finding the joy in all he was and his loving memory.

 
At 18/11/05 04:46, Blogger Eliyahu said...

may you be greatly blessed to be kind to yourself amidst all your passion for life. may you be comforted as you mourn, and joyful as you live. Uzi will always be a part of your life, even as you have many other adventures. shalom, holy sister.

 
At 18/11/05 05:07, Blogger Lord Chimmy said...

I don't know how you'll do it L, but you'll get through it.

You'd be surprised how many times in the last year something has reminded me of Uzi. I only know him through your blog...

(hug)

 
At 18/11/05 17:27, Blogger M said...

you can do it. life hurts, naturally. still sorry I never met him.

 
At 18/11/05 18:44, Blogger Serialangel said...

I've just come home after a brutal couple of days, and the only thing I can keep thinking of is that all those feelings that are choking you are just waiting to be let out. And you, yourself have to let it. And when those words inside spill out one way or another someone you love will be nearby. So, you can fret all you like, but try not to worry too much.

Thinking of you,
Betty xxx

 
At 18/11/05 20:33, Blogger Henri-V said...

I wrote many things and then deleted them because I had to admit to myself that I have not learned how to find peace after the loss of a loved one.

You are not alone unless you want to be. And that is okay, too. Do what you need to do, Lioness.

I wish you a quiet mind and comfort as soon as you are ready for them.

 
At 20/11/05 03:19, Blogger twisteddragonfly said...

Oh, J...Not much I can say that someone hasn't said to you already. But just when you fear you may have lost the memory of him and who he was, in a quiet moment of thought, when you least expect to find it, he will come and sit softly beside you. And you will realize he was never really gone at all. You know where to find me. Sending you hugs, J.

 
At 20/11/05 12:28, Blogger The Sub Committee said...

Hi there - dropping by to say hello. Hope you are doing well.

 
At 21/11/05 00:27, Blogger K|nneret said...

I'm so sorry, hon. I wish it were easier, I wish for you so much that it were a terrible mistake.
You are stronger than you know, even if you don't want to be. And Uzi will always be there with you, even when it's beyond difficult - I do believe it. It's a terribly trite saying but time does help wounds heal.

You know where I am if you need a shoulder. You are in my thoughts.

 
At 21/11/05 23:21, Blogger Dale said...

{{{Johnny}}}

(extra hugs, just in case.)

 
At 22/11/05 06:03, Blogger The Lioness said...

I'll never get around to answering comments ever again, at this rate, gahhh! Sorry everyone, I am just unbelievably busy w all the papers and mini-tests and lab classes and and and, I am feeling much better, no small thanks to you, you've - AGAIN - truly helped. And I know I won't lose him but it sometimes feels that way. Yesterday I was thinking abt that cat I had that was killed (i mention him in "Silkworms") and I couldn't remember what we had done w the body, I couldn't remember burying it and I thought "I must ask Uzi." and then I remembered I couldn't - but it made me smile (well, afterwards I cried a tiny bit but the foverall feeling was good). So yes, better. THANK YOU. Will resurface at the latest in February, at the end of semester. Ha! No worries.

 
At 26/11/05 15:18, Blogger Daphna said...

You actually wrote this post on the birthday of my mother, who passed away 15 years ago. It got better for me, with time (the best healer). I really believe that it will get better for you as well. Even the feelings of fury and grief and disbelief somehow manage to resolve themselves. Savlanut.

At the same time, how lucky Uzi is to have people who love him and care for him and need him so much that nearly a year after he died, they are still finding it hard to consider life without him. Your feelings are painful for you, but a real testament to him and to the person he was.

 
At 28/11/05 20:17, Blogger The Lioness said...

Beth, thanks. That is reassuring to hear. And I know, and I love it. Me too.

Diana, if you say so it must be true. :) Smooches to you too.

Udge, danke Dir. Es ist eine verdamte Arbeit, da hast Du Recht. Dass er nich verlorengegangen ist dank meiner Worte, dass ist einfach zu... zu schoen und unglaublich und doch muss es stimmen, gell? Weil Du es sagst, Ihr alle. Danke, dahling.

Not sure either but it worked, it was lovely.

Manuela, your blog is often a comfort even when you're blogging abt nothing special bcs your life force, woman, just bursts throug the screen. So you help loads even when you don't mean to. You've found the words often enough.

Dale, thanks for the double hugs dose, most effective. Your grandmother was right but it can't always be helped can it. I'm trying, I'm trying. Promise.

Jennifer, yes, it's this mild obsession I've developped recently. Must actually work hard at keeping it in check or one day there'll be nothing else in the house. Thanks for commenting!

DM, I feel myself hugged, no worries. Your powers transcend all oceans. Physics bowing to the Queen of the Universe.

Nancy, I'm sorry this time is shitty for you as well. I will try to see it that way.

Cat, amen. I truly pray it will be.

Elyahu has resurfaced! He will won't he. I am beginning to really believe in that.

Chimmy, really? REALLY? That is the best thing you could tell me, like when?

M, same goes for you. THANK YOU.

Betty, I am trying my best. And I am letting them out here the best I can. I still think life is good and worth it, it's simply that the ugly comes with it and it sometimes feels like that's all there is. But I know it isn't. XXX

Henry-V (good God, woman!), tricky one, yes? I hope we will, someday. I think we will.

Dragonfly, you're right, it is so. You know as well. Let's swap horror stories, and beautiful ones. ;)

Charles, Magnificent one, I thought you were spam bcs the comment is so at odds w the post! I almost deleted you.

Kinneret, thanks for taking the time to read and comment amidst the madness of a new baby. Thank you sweetie.

Dale, there we go, more hugs! Daleish hugs - dalicious! HA!

Daphna, how lovely to see you here.
I'll believe you, even though savlanut is somtheing I sorely lack. No rushing this one though.

(I stopped commenting bcs I thought you didn't much care for it. And I am so sorry you are going through such a horrid time right now. I can only hope it gets better w the move, that something does.)

 

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