Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The Big Wave That Ate My Best Friend, now in a theatre near you

So it begins.

Remember my very healthy dislike for all things Decemberish? And remember my countdown thingy? We have officially entered Tsunami season.

I've just received an email from Lila. I have been dreading receiving such an email bcs it was rather obvious that it would, and now I have and now I - .

Kibbutz memorial service on the 23, I am to write something pleasepleaseplease. Again. Let's all get together and collectively remember how very and horribly dead he is. Last time, at least, we still had hope. Of sorts. I don't think this will be very good. In fact, I have just caught myself rocking back and forth. I know I will do it, I know I'll survive it but I don't see how I will manage to write something even half meaningful. I wanted to, I wanted it to honour him. I don't suppose I can have Lila hand out the link to my Uzi category, though that would be fine by me. Peruse the hundreds of posts or something and pick what best suits your mood.

You want to know what's really killing me? After Uzi was killed everyone pretty much was told or found out, one way or the other. Mostly not by me, I don't think. I vaguely remember having my Tweedle ring people for me and spread the joy. I don't really remember a lot abt those months, my psyche has served me well. back in the Summer I went for a coffee w a friend of mine. Not exactly a friend, maybe. We once had boyfriends who were brothers and spent a lot of time together. I really like her and I know she likes me as well but we have never got really, really close. I mean, she's not the one I call when the sky falls on my head but I very much want for her to have a fabulous life and enjoy her loads, and I know it's the same for her. So we were sitting at an outside cafe and I realised she didn't know. I certainly didn't know how to tell her, it's been months since I'd last been in that position. Above all, I didn't want to tell her. To her Uzi was still very much alive and gorgeous and a part of me wanted it to remain so. But something had happened to me a few weeks earlier and that was a horror of such epic proportions I knew I didn't want to risk it happening again. See, I wrote a post abt going to the beach house w my Tweedle for a few days, remember that? While we were there we went for coffee w a former professor of mine, w whom I became friends and Tweedle got to know as well. We were sitting there, enjoying our drinks (going for a coffee might involve all drinks but coffee here, so it was Caipirinhas for them and Coke for me) and all of a sudden he asked How is our Israeli friend? I couldn't think of whom he meant and thought he might mean some Criminologist in israel, I remember trying to look someone up for him the first time I was there. But I was wary and so I said What do you mean? And he said That Israeli boyfriend of yours that I met, he is amazing, remember you came round to see me, how is he doing? And I simply sat there, horror-struck and couldn't even breathe and I remember Tweedle looking panicked and him asking What's wrong and later she told me I looked as though I'd been punched in the gut and went white but my memory of it is slightly worse than that and I sort of remember trying hard not to burst into tears while Tweedle told him and he must have been shocked and said the things you say at a moment like that but that's the last bit of our reunion I remember. My psyche, it serves me well.

So I didn't want to risk that happening again, over coffee (coke and juice), again, and so I said You remember Uzi, right? And she said, yes, of course she did. And I said Well, he was in Thailand in December and she looked at me blankly and the sky did fall on my head then bcs see, too many months had gone by and even though to me the Tsunami was a daily experience it no longer was for the rest of the world, and that little sentence had always served me well, people immediately knew what had happened but it was no longer so and I was going to be forced to spell it out so I sat there and started crying and said He was in Thailand in December when the.. When the... and then, I think mostly bcs of my tears she finally understood and her eyer were all of a sudden very shiny, which didn't help me at all, and I also don't remember how the rest of it went.

People have forgotten, people will forget even more. When Yaniv died the first Jahrzeit loads of people showed up at his Mum's. The next year there were a bit less. And so on and so forth. I don't want that to happen to my Tig, I want the world to stand still, the earth to abruptly come to a screeching halt with objects flying off shelves and dragons flying in to wage war bcs it IS the end of the world, it is, IT IS.

I don't see how I will find the words.

And now, bcs it's Wednesday, I must go and be trampled further by some big animal, or worse, be forced to inject some dog intraperitoneally. I'm in the mood for a fight so I hope it's the bloody donkey and Donkey, be warned I'll be the one doing the kicking today.


UPDATE: it was the cow, the cow that usually is meek and patient, the cow that today started kicking the manger and us the moment we walked in the box, the cow that decided this morning she'd had enough of being pierced by incompetent hands. There was ass-kicking done, as Cow literally kicked my colleague in the buttocks. It hurt. Cow also slapped me with her ears a few times, also not pleasant, and managed to slap my cornea with the ear plastic tag, which was even less pleasant and made me go blind for a short while. The highlight of an otherwise lovely day was when Cow, huge Cow, all 650 kg/1400 lb of Cow, stood on my foot, for many seconds, while I screamed for my colleagues to move her. When they did she lifted the other foot thereby increasing the pressure some more. I am now limping and foot hurts like the bloody hell, taking off galoches and putting on regular shoes was memorable. One colleague remarked I looked as if I were in labour but that was a tad exaggerated. With a bit of luck nothing was broken and I can avoid the ER. So I am icing my raised foot (frozen peas work the best, FYI, bcs they adapt to the shape of whetever it is you need to ice, much better than icecubes) which is lovely bcs really, this heat wave was driving me bonkers, and Voltaren was duly swallowed. But I won bcs I did manage to engorgitate the vein, at the expenses of a formerly healthy left wrist, and inject her jugular and the needle stayed put and then I screwed in the syringe and did it and so did my 2 colleagues, and we are proud bcs the cow kicked and rolled and shook and tried to horn us and moved the whole bloody time and us with it and one of my collegues is huge and tall and really really strong and he was seating too from the exertion, and the teacher later told all of us she isn't worried abt us, most big animals we will come across in the future will not have any behavioural vices and will have had very little contact w humans so by the time they realise what is happening it should all be over, from her lips to God's ears, see, we are the lasts shift, by Wednesday afternoon the animals have been inaptly poked and pierced till kingdom come, they are fed up and sore and frankly, I'd be too, no ill feelings, I think it's only fair. And it only took us an hour and a half and some monor injuries! Cannot wait for the stable exam.



At 7/12/05 13:44, Blogger Jen said...

Hugs to you in this difficult season.

At 7/12/05 16:28, Blogger CarpeDM said...

I hope it is a donkey as well so you can kick some ass (sorry, sorry, couldn't resist).

Anyone who has ever read anything you have written about Uzi will never forget him. Ever. That is the beauty of your writing, J, you make him very real to all of us.

Adoro-te. Beijos,


At 7/12/05 16:54, Blogger Diana said...

So sorry the wounds are scraped open, again. We knew they would be, they should be, but still it hurts. What about bundling all your blog writings about Him together? Or taking a few phrases from each and melding them together to trace the past year without him?

I'm here.

At 7/12/05 18:30, Blogger Nancy said...

There are some wounds that time doesn't heal, but eventually even they become part of you, not in control of you.

Remember Uzi, do not morn him.

Your memorial to him could be taken from the writings you've already done, as Diana suggested.

And that cow never really had a chance, did she. Lioness.. Roar.

At 7/12/05 18:36, Anonymous Leggy said...

Ugh- I'm sorry. It is hard to find ways to "memorialize" a loved one when it still shocks you that they aren't here anymore.

About six months after my brother died, we did a memorial service. I remember very much feeling that there was very much a vibe of "shouldn't you have moved on by now?" So I understand your reluctance to participate in something that is supposed to honor Tig, but in some ways may dishonor him because some may participate only out of obligation. They've moved on, and its painful to see that they have already put Tig to rest in their own minds, as you struggle to even contemplate that he's gone. I'm sorry that the wounds are still so hard and so fresh- the time leading up to the first anniversary is so horrific. I hope you get through December okay.

At 7/12/05 18:46, Anonymous Manuela said...

Oh, dear... I truly feel your pain as you scrape open these barely healed wounds yet again. My thoughts will continue to be with you... and Darling... a half formed thought from you is vastly superior to the heavily distilled musings of pretty much anyone else I know.

At 7/12/05 20:17, Blogger brooksba said...

Diana's suggestion of taking excerpts from the posts you've written is a great idea. Your words are powerful and have made so many of us know Uzi without being graced with the priviledge of ever meeting him. He is remembered and he is celebrated.

I can just see you with the cow. Keep plenty of frozen peas around and let your foot get better ASAP. Great job getting the vein. You're going to be an excellent vet.

At 8/12/05 00:28, Blogger moegirl said...

anniversaries of such things are hard. I couldn't even muster a beginning of my beloved grandma's eulogy, until my sisters and I put together a collage of her pictures. Then what I should say took shape.

the cow thing is unbelievable!

At 8/12/05 03:31, Anonymous Anonymous said...

About the Uzi part of your post, in this virtual realm I can say only ((( ))). But I'll give you a real hug, not just virtual, on Friday night, because I know you'll be there. Right? You will, right? Even if I have to come to your house and physically carry you to the car?

Cow, just a thought: poor thing, how did she get chosen as your practice piece? Was there a general casting call? Or was she abducted?

Frozen peas: careful with that. I use them, too, but unfortunately sometimes I inadvertantly start cooking with them, only to realize that they're the very same ones that have been frozen and thawed and refrozen in the interest of nursing some hurt part of my body. Yicky. If you haven't already, mark them clearly so you won't eat them.

At 8/12/05 05:32, Blogger amyesq said...

I've been thinking of you the past few days and wondering how you are coping. Please know that, at least.

At 8/12/05 14:02, Anonymous wessel said...

Painful. Sometimes the only thing you can do is honor a loved one by living the sort of life they would have wanted you to live, and by dedicating a part of your life to perpetuating something that he valued and held dear.

May we know no more sorrow.

At 8/12/05 18:47, Blogger Henri-V said...

I love what wessel said.

I wish you could hibernate through winter and wake up feeling better in the spring. : ( I know it isn't that easy though ...

Please, get thee some steel-toed boots, too! I've been crunched by enough by horses to know the feeling.

At 8/12/05 21:09, Blogger Diana said...

Ach! Poor Cow. Poor you. Poor foot. Nope, can't blame her. I am glad I got to learn on elderly WWII veterans. Rarely did they punch me and sometimes they shared their Jell-o.

At 9/12/05 11:20, Blogger Magnificent Trout said...

I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, because that's the last thing I intend - do you have any idea how much strength you have to now be able to write words like 'dead' and 'killed'? I can barely bring myself to say 'divorce'. Hold on, you're coming through. Xo.

At 9/12/05 18:07, Blogger The Lioness said...

Jen, tnx sweetie. Bloody season.

DM, yes, now if I could convince the whole world to read my blog... Then everyone would know abt him and that would be just fab.

Diana, I suspect the words will come when they must. they are sort of bubbling right now. fire and damnation and all that.

Nancy, I must mourn him, how could I not? That is part of remembering him, and remembering him in a healthy way. I'm very partial to mental health, would dearly like to have some. And oh the cow, the cow... Foot x-rayed, not broken but the cow!

Leggy, hallo! See, yours was one of the blogs whose URL I'd lost, see the beauty of comments?? I will be spared the Should Have Move dOn bit bcs I won't be there physically, Lila will read it for me. But yes, the first annuversary sucks rock, bad rock.

Manuela, your last sentence had me giggling, would you be able to say that in one breath?? Tnx dahling!

Beth, I like the celebration bit. Keep repeating the vet bit as well please, much needed.

Moegirl, and you didn't even see her! I'll find the words, or they'll find me, as is more common.

V. I, unlike some, am NOT a slob, and would never confuse foot peas w tummy peas. *clears throat* Besides, am not overly fond of the frozen variety, will be fine. And yes, i'll be there.

Amy, that is so sweet of you, among all your personal turmoil. It's a very big "at least".

Wessel, amen. You said it all, i think. And yes, may we know no more sorrow indeed. Soon.

Henry V, I wish so too but then I'd flunk and well, not so good. I've thought abt that but it's only for a few more weeks, they're bloody expensive. We'll see.

Diana, dear God that veteran bit was hysterical! Loverboy even asked me waht all the mirth was abt.

MT, I'm sorry, can't imagine that not being painful as hell. I think in a way death makes it easier bcs it's so ultimately definitive, see. Also, sometimes I can't write them at all, and can't say Tsunami. I still can't hear it anyway and don't think I'll ever be able to without wanting to puke. And, you're funny!

At 14/12/05 08:05, Blogger paulmonster said...

I want you to know that I'm thinking of you during these cold days. I would send you comfort and warmth if I could. Please take care of yourself.



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