Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Dead bones do tell tales

SETTINGS: Chez Pride, the living-room
ACTORS: Representative From Nice Cleaning Service + Lioness

Representative From Nice Cleaning Service: All right then, it's settled, the cleaners will come on blablabla and will blablabla and blablabla. Do you have any further questions?
Lioness: Actually, yes. *deep breath* How do your employees feel about bones? Around the house, that is.
R: Bones?
L: Bones.
R: *clears throat* Human bones?
L: Well yes, there is most of a skeleton in a bag. *rambling madly* It's Charles actually. The skeleton, that is. It belongs to a friend, she's a doctor, I'm just keeping it here for her.
R: *faintly *Charles?
L: *still rambling* Yes well, that's what she calls him but he should be gone soon. And the bones are in a bag, very discreet. You wouldn't know they were there unless you opened up the bag which I assume your people wouldn't do, privacy and all, I don't suppose they go around opening bags. I just thought I should mention it bcs hoovering will require lifting it and it rattles a bit and most people are uncomfortable around skulls anyway. I wouldn't want them to drop the bag and crack the bones.
R: *squeak* Goodness! There are... skulls?
L: *mentally wringing hands* Oh just the one. You know, Charles'. But as I said they're all in a bag, a very colourful bag, you wouldn't know it held bones unless - well, we've talked abt this.
R: I see. It's not something that's ever arisen before.
L: No, I don't suppose it has.
R: I, er, don't think it will be a problem.
L: Excellent. There might be other bones, occasionally.
R: Oh dear! More human bones?
L: No, these would be
cow bones, or pig bones, maybe sheep. Rabbit, perhaps. Mostly, er, on the windowsill.
R: *very faintly* The windowsill. I see.
L: I'm in vet school, I use them for studying, see. I'm afraid it takes them a while to dry.
R: They're... wet?
L: Not exactly, they come from the butcher's still with tiny pieces of muscle and tendons attached, I need to get them dry bfr I can use them. They need to be outside, I'm afraid they give off a bit of a nasty smell.
R: Quite right, quite right, smelly, I should think so.
L: Well then, I'm so glad we've settled this, thank you for stopping by!

They're coming tomorrow morning. Of course they are.


At 29/11/05 23:48, Blogger Candace said...

Oh my. I can't imagine just seeing skulls lying about on a windowsill!

At 29/11/05 23:55, Blogger The Lioness said...

No no no, skull is in bag, humeri + femurs + sacra on the windowsill. No worries.

At 30/11/05 00:24, Blogger Teri said...

No bones about it...very clever Lioness! All of my skeletons are in the closet. Perhaps I should let them out once in awhile. Hmmm...Thursday is cleaning day, sounds like a good time to "air my dirty laundry."

Ciao for now, and thanks for stopping by my place.


At 30/11/05 00:39, Blogger Noorster said...

Mwahahaha. I'd leave the skull on the windowsill, though.

At 30/11/05 01:50, Blogger brooksba said...

You are so awesome! I'm sitting here smiling and just knowing that you enjoyed every moment of that conversation and that representative must have been scratching her head a bit. Great!


At 30/11/05 01:51, Blogger Teri said...

Due to lack of windowsill, what do you think about fireplace mantle? Visible to all, and has to be dusted.

Do tell, please.


At 30/11/05 02:24, Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

I have little doubt they will do the very best cleaning job ever, with no charge for spot treatments and stain-resistant coatings. Out of fear.

At 30/11/05 02:26, Blogger Eliyahu said...

LOL. don't you feel charles would rest more comfortably if he had a nice spot to sprawl out? maybe on the sofa?

At 30/11/05 02:37, Blogger Mudpuppy said...

Eliyahu, you had the same thought I did. I was picturing Charles sitting at the kitchen table, perhaps wearing a jaunty hat, with a cup of tea in front of him. Just leave him there, don't explain anything. That would make such a great segment for a "Candid Camera" type of TV show.

At 30/11/05 02:58, Blogger Nancy said...

Well.. on one hand, you did warn them.

On the other hand, you might want them to come back again..

I wonder if that representative has a blog and if she blogged about it.....

boggles the skull bone, don't it?

At 30/11/05 03:01, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perhaps they will arrive with backup!

At 30/11/05 05:09, Blogger CarpeDM said...

I love you. I am just laughing hysterically over that conversation.

And seriously, what is the big deal about you having some bones lying around your place? Have they never been to the Chapel of Bones in Evora? That's a whole church!

At 30/11/05 12:36, Blogger Benjamin said...

Lioness ...
I've no words. Except "thanks." I really needed a laugh today.

At 30/11/05 17:01, Blogger The Lioness said...

Teri, Thursday is a bank holiday which, of course, will be devoted to studying and yes, bones will be involved, though not Charles'. No fireplace so no artistic displays possible, sorry.

Noorster, Charles' bits have been in that bag for ages and there they will remain. Though one time when viscondessa stayed over I lovingly set the skull on her nightstand and let me assure you, the woman has no sense of humour. Shame.

Beth, I actually felt acutelly embarrased while having the conversation, it was many things but certainly NOT FUN! Good thing the man was strong and didn't faint.

LI, well, they were rather fast but I didn't bring it up. Charles looks untouched. Fear works.

Nancy, I'm sure it does! They will come back, how fun it is to rem,ove pet hair from upholstery, how could they resist that. Plus, you know, charles.

Tendersoul, oooh, almost a Veronica Mars reference! The women were still breathing normally when they left. There's hope for my sanitary conditions!

DM, ha ha, funny. And you enjoyed the Bone Chapel but. Would you like to live in it? HA!

Ben, you know me, always happy to entertain. Glad you laughed, it only occurred to me afterwards how bloggable the whole thing was. They came bearing mops, crucifix-like.

At 30/11/05 17:05, Blogger The Lioness said...

Oh I missed 2 of you! Well, as I said, Eliyahu, I tried that w Viscondessa. Oh the horror!

Mudpuppy (anon comments back on BTW), I am saving that for my Tweedle. She'll jump right off her skin. Tee-hee!

At 30/11/05 18:35, Blogger Udge said...

I think I broke a boke when I fell out of my chair just then. Oh, that poor man, he probably thought you were either Dr. Lector or a radio comedy team taking the piss.

I shall remember the line about the bones drying on the windowsill for the next time somebody mentions the slight disorder in my apartment.

At 30/11/05 20:55, Blogger The Lioness said...

Udge, that could work, I think. That could very well work. Dr. Lecter indeed! I have far more style. *harrumph*

Now, jumping OFF one's skin: action taken when one jumps OUT OF one's skin but actually longs to just jump off the bridge. I cannot tell you how often in the past few days I have used the wrong prepositions. GAHH! I blame Veronica Mars.

At 30/11/05 21:38, Anonymous Manuela said...

Thank you SO much for a heart-warming belly laugh... I'm dying to know if they actually ever showed up!!!

At 30/11/05 21:54, Blogger The Lioness said...

Manueal dahling, SO BLOODY HAPPY I made you laugh! Didn't you read the nice comments? They came bearing mops and buckets and were very brave and intrepid. Yes.

At 30/11/05 22:26, Anonymous Manuela said...

Sorry, darling... for once I actually jumped straight down to leave you a comment!

And... I'm still trying to decide whether or not you were joking about Han Solo being a reference to SG1... If it WAS a joke... it was a very funny one! If it's not a joke?? Well... it's still pretty funny.

At 30/11/05 22:51, Blogger Diana said...

Oh!oh!oh! laughing too hard. It hurts! And his name is CHARLES! Too perfect! This had better be true or you will just have to make it so.

At 30/11/05 23:11, Blogger The Lioness said...

Manuela, I have answered you on your blog, OF COURSE I was kidding, twat! I take my SciFi seriously!

Diana, OF COURSE it was true, it nearly killed me! And actually his name is Carlos (pronounce Cahr-loosh, please), I translated it for the masses bcs everyone would say it the Spanish way and that'd be bad. Carlos has his Portie dignity.

OH OH! Loverboy has just read this entry and came in to ask if we really have human bones in the house. I said yes. He asked where. I said well, that bag behind the door in the bedroom, actually. Now he wants to know why he is named Carlos and when Carlos died. HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?? It's not my skeleton is it, I'm just bone-sitting.

At 1/12/05 03:03, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Just bone-sitting? Sounds like you've adopted him.
Please let us know how the cleaners actually do.

At 1/12/05 04:04, Anonymous Leigh-Ann said...

Thanks for turning on comments for "Other" -- now I can be myself again and not my Blogger ID. Now I'll post all the time and you'll never be rid of me, bwahahaha...

At 1/12/05 08:18, Blogger Lord Chimmy said...

Lioness, I love the fact that I can take a blogging vacation...then come back and find a post like this. haha, I love it.

But, come on, you've got to get us more info on this "Carlos." I think you've made Loverboy jealous. You just can't bring a new man in the house and not explain...alive or dead.

At 1/12/05 09:26, Blogger Serialangel said...

Argh, I've missed this hilarious post! I have to go to college but I don't want to...bone sitting seems like a cushty job to me: they're quiet, they don't eat and all you gotta do is keep them dry. Skulls on the windowsill...well, it keeps you individual! Hope all is lovely, dear :)

Betty xx

At 1/12/05 12:24, Blogger Ed said...

Ha! Very funny. I think we need pictures of Carlos!

If we employed a gardener I could have a similar conversation. We live next to a churchyard and it is quite possible that we have graves beneath our garden (especially in the semi-circular sunken patch of lawn at the bottom of the garden that the dog likes to dig up). Not that I've ever found any bones but I've never dug down that far. And neither has the dog - yet.

At 1/12/05 13:46, Blogger Babs said...


Who doesn't have the odd skull tucked away round the house?!?

You just can't get good help these days. Tsk.

At 1/12/05 16:49, Blogger CarpeDM said...


Remember when you told me to "come back here" and finish my post about the possible flirting? Well, I did. I want your input. You and Beth have been in on this from the beginning when I was denying that I liked him and just bought that moped for no reason at all. Boy, Beth is right. I am the Queen of Denial.

At 2/12/05 13:36, Blogger The Lioness said...

Joe, cleaners were fine, no one fainted. Sturdy types. I keep forgetting to take him w me when I go visit my friend.

Leigh-Anne, you're welc. I'd been meaning to for a while, I think the tosser who caused this may have finally got the point. Eagerly awaiting participation. ;)

Chimmy, you were missed! Yes I can,
Loverboy had no idea! Wiles, wiles...

Betty, how did you miss it if you've just commented? All is lovely, sweetie.


Ed, will do, I promise. Oh that feng shui of yours!

Babs, I KNOW! That's exactly what i think. Tell me, why doesn't your site opne up fully for me? Or comments for that matter. Why oh why must you hate me??


At 5/12/05 17:44, Blogger Viscondessa said...

Ahem. I have met Carlos. Let me tell you all, he is really very dead, a very dead former human being, and I honestly did find it disturbing, in a grave-robbing sort of way.

Let it not be thought that I question the Lioness' wisdom in taking on bone-sitting duty. Truth be told, this post cracked me up. But, ever the empathetic sort that I am, the only thing I could think upon finding him on the nightstand was: (1) is that real? and, that being answered, (2) how did he get here? did he donate his body to science? and that not being known, (3) is that what he wanted? how would poor Carlos feel to know that his head is on the nightstand? I mean, would *you* want your head disembodied on a nightstand some day?

Poor Carlos, poor Cleaning Staff, poor traumatized Viscondessa, coming into the Lioness' ordinarily welcoming home and finding an unexpected extra guest. RIP, Carlos, in your dashing brightly colored bag.

BTW, why hasn't Madame Doctor come to take him away yet?

At 7/12/05 13:43, Blogger Jen said...

Too goddamn funny! Hope it went well and that neither you, the bones, nor the cleaning crew suffered unduly.


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