The Bloodgates of Hell

I am taking my leave *curtsey*

I do not feel like writing. I do not feel like reading. I do not feel like doing much of anything, so I suppose I'll just carry on writing reports for school and studying as well as I can.

The 27th was as expected, which left me thinking the worst was past and it had been worse to fear it than the actual day itself. Here, experienced, gone, goody. but no. the 28th caught me by thr throat in a manner that scared me. The Corpse Bride was the trigger I suppose but on the 27th i had a nightmare, i was in a space station w the furry ones and there was an earthquake and the whole station turned on its axis - I once dreamt I was in a bombing and itb was synaesthesic, there was this profound lavender-coloured feeling, most nauseating, this was close to it. After it was over i knew there was no food for the pets and i was in despair over how to feed or carry them. and then something i cannot remember and then a rebel Jewish faction was shooting and killing my friends. psyche knows no bounds. That day in the evening i went to see the Corpse Bride, it's so beautiful as to rob one of one's breath at times. that would have been enough but there was also the beginning and the ending, and if you read me and have seen it, yoiu'll know. plus i am obsessing abt Laika, even bfr the movie started i was thibnking abt poor poor Laika, hhow she must have felt so alone and terrified and how she must have cried all alone in her little space shuttle, millions of years away from any other living being, and slowly starved and died of thirst, all alone up there, not even knowing why it was happening, it breaks my heart so much i become paralysed. laika figures in my thoughts a lot these days and while replying to an email from Manuela (Thin Pink Line) it clicked, Laika and the space station in my dream, don't even need my psychiatrist for this, plus the nightmares every night now, the phobic thoughts i'm having while driving, only while driving, as in "i need to change lanes, i'm going to die" etc, several times a minute, very disturbing and upsetting but not really bcs i know what's causing this, it's like post-traumatic stress disorder minus the trauma of sorts, so,

all this to say i sometimes click on my blog and am actually surprised not to see a new post, i've discussed how well i do this schizoid thingy so no need to delve deeply, but if I do see one it won't be the one I'd like to see, i need to stop this blogging thing bcs everything is driving me mad now and i feel depleted and tonight I'll stand up in the synagogue and say Kaddish for my best friend and i don't see how i will do that in a way that will honour him if i burst into tears which i am praying won't happen but who the hell knows these days, and i don't feel like writing, or reading, or anything really. I know I'll be back, much like the plague, we can all depend on both of us, could even be tomorrow for all I know but for now i need to be away from this for a while, yes?

*curtsey* and Portie smooches all around. I hope 2006 is a kind year for all of us.