Friday, December 30, 2005

The Bloodgates of Hell

I am taking my leave *curtsey*

I do not feel like writing. I do not feel like reading. I do not feel like doing much of anything, so I suppose I'll just carry on writing reports for school and studying as well as I can.

The 27th was as expected, which left me thinking the worst was past and it had been worse to fear it than the actual day itself. Here, experienced, gone, goody. but no. the 28th caught me by thr throat in a manner that scared me. The Corpse Bride was the trigger I suppose but on the 27th i had a nightmare, i was in a space station w the furry ones and there was an earthquake and the whole station turned on its axis - I once dreamt I was in a bombing and itb was synaesthesic, there was this profound lavender-coloured feeling, most nauseating, this was close to it. After it was over i knew there was no food for the pets and i was in despair over how to feed or carry them. and then something i cannot remember and then a rebel Jewish faction was shooting and killing my friends. psyche knows no bounds. That day in the evening i went to see the Corpse Bride, it's so beautiful as to rob one of one's breath at times. that would have been enough but there was also the beginning and the ending, and if you read me and have seen it, yoiu'll know. plus i am obsessing abt Laika, even bfr the movie started i was thibnking abt poor poor Laika, hhow she must have felt so alone and terrified and how she must have cried all alone in her little space shuttle, millions of years away from any other living being, and slowly starved and died of thirst, all alone up there, not even knowing why it was happening, it breaks my heart so much i become paralysed. laika figures in my thoughts a lot these days and while replying to an email from Manuela (Thin Pink Line) it clicked, Laika and the space station in my dream, don't even need my psychiatrist for this, plus the nightmares every night now, the phobic thoughts i'm having while driving, only while driving, as in "i need to change lanes, i'm going to die" etc, several times a minute, very disturbing and upsetting but not really bcs i know what's causing this, it's like post-traumatic stress disorder minus the trauma of sorts, so,

all this to say i sometimes click on my blog and am actually surprised not to see a new post, i've discussed how well i do this schizoid thingy so no need to delve deeply, but if I do see one it won't be the one I'd like to see, i need to stop this blogging thing bcs everything is driving me mad now and i feel depleted and tonight I'll stand up in the synagogue and say Kaddish for my best friend and i don't see how i will do that in a way that will honour him if i burst into tears which i am praying won't happen but who the hell knows these days, and i don't feel like writing, or reading, or anything really. I know I'll be back, much like the plague, we can all depend on both of us, could even be tomorrow for all I know but for now i need to be away from this for a while, yes?

*curtsey* and Portie smooches all around. I hope 2006 is a kind year for all of us.

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30 Comments:

At 30/12/05 19:34, Blogger brooksba said...

I wish DM and I were back in Portugal with you and that we could both give you millions of hugs. Take the time you need and know that everyone is here for you.

I am hoping that 2006 is a better year for many.

I love you. Beijos!

 
At 30/12/05 21:38, Blogger K|nneret said...

Love you, honey. Take all the time you need - we'll be here when you return.
Shana tova and take care of yourself please.

 
At 30/12/05 21:43, Blogger Udge said...

Dear Lioness,

it'll be lonely without you, but: Do what you have to do.

Be kind to yourself.

Take a tip from your cats, let somebody stroke your back and rub your ears and feed you (metaphorically but also literally too).

We'll be here for you when you are ready.

 
At 30/12/05 23:41, Blogger Ed said...

Hey, you don't get rid of us that easily. Of course we'll be here when you've taken however long you need.

 
At 30/12/05 23:59, Blogger Serialangel said...

I know how it feels when you need to escape from everything/body. Take as much rest and relaxation as you need and be generous with yourself, ok? Baths help. They just do. ;) I hope you got my cards, and happy new year to you my darlin'

Betty xx

 
At 31/12/05 01:18, Blogger Nancy said...

Don't leave forever.

We'll miss you.

 
At 31/12/05 02:10, Blogger twisteddragonfly said...

Sometimes things happen to us that nothing in the world can fix. This is one of those things, J. And I would hardly agree that you are experiencing PTSD WITHOUT the trauma. You've suffered a horrendous trauma to your soul this year. Take all the time you need and let it sink in, J. Take care of yourself for a change and to hell with all of us!!! That being said, I hope you return to us soon!! =) You are after all, our Lioness....

 
At 31/12/05 02:55, Blogger Dale said...

Do whatever's best for you, dear one. Thinking of you as always with great fondness.

Come to Oregon someday and we'll have a blast.

 
At 31/12/05 06:54, Blogger Savtadotty said...

As a mom and a dog owner, I'm glad you're making your studies #1 priority. As a blogger, I'll miss you. As a friend, I wish you the very best, and hope to see you again. You know where to find me.

 
At 31/12/05 11:02, Blogger CarpeDM said...

I so wish I was there. I am thinking of you constantly, just so you know.

You need to take care of yourself, J, do what you need. We'll always be here when you need us (well, figuratively, of course)

I love you muchly.

 
At 31/12/05 18:05, Blogger Teri said...

I will miss you, and look forward to your return. Be safe.

Ciao for now...

Teri

 
At 31/12/05 18:16, Blogger Bubbi said...

Take care Lioness! I will check in now and then looking for your return.

I pray for a better year for you.

 
At 1/1/06 21:41, Blogger treppenwitz said...

Lioness... I will miss your voice here in the blogosphere... your sense of humor... your passion... and your humanity. But most of all I will miss just knowing the little things that are going on in your life.

You've been a refreshingly honest voice amongst all of us who only dare put our best foot forward. I will be at the head of the line of people who will be waiting patiently for any small update you feel like throwing up on your site.

Since I've started reading you I have come to think of you as a friend, albeit one I haven't met. I've come to recognize the characters in your life... the small references to your pet peeves... and your unvarnished passion for living (even as you sometimes rage against death).

I will miss all this about you, but mostly I'll miss just being able to click over and quickly catch up with you.

Missing you already.

 
At 2/1/06 13:03, Blogger Diana said...

Of course, we understand. Take the break. Learn to breathe, again. Then come back.

We'll be here.

(Plus, I have your e-mail, in case of those Johnny-deprivation emergencies.)

 
At 2/1/06 15:32, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Yes, scratch kitty behind the ears for me too.

 
At 2/1/06 17:15, Anonymous Lisa said...

Well, I miss you - of course. But I understand completely the need to take a break. And I know you'll be back. I send you lots of love, and I'll be in touch.

 
At 3/1/06 04:04, Blogger paulmonster said...

Please be careful.

 
At 3/1/06 20:04, Blogger Figlet said...

Be well, my friend. Look forward to any communique from you, and am sending positive energies and blessings to you now and evermore.

 
At 4/1/06 00:40, Anonymous Manuela said...

Darling Lioness... you continue to be in my thoughts...

I'm looking forward to future posts, not just because I love to read anything you write... but because it means you're feeling ABLE to write again.

Much affection as always.

 
At 4/1/06 03:11, Blogger Magnificent Trout said...

We'll wait. Take care.

 
At 4/1/06 04:20, Blogger Lord Chimmy said...

There is much more to life than the blog...

Time away from blogging is great. It recharges your "blogging batteries." Besides, you deserve a break. I check in on your blog, and I'm always happy to see it still there; but, for crying out loud, give yourself some time off. Those of us who've followed you understand that you've had a lot to deal with in your life...about as much as the mortal soul can bear...so we get it when you have to take some time away.

I've got your blog on my news-reader, so I'll be here when you feel like coming back. Heck, even if you changed your blog name and address we'd find you. You're one of a kind ;)

I hope the new year brings you many smiles. Take care L.

 
At 4/1/06 05:58, Anonymous Charles (Canadian in Hong Kong) said...

I stopped by to check in on your blog and wish you a Happy New Year. May all your dreams come true in 2006!

 
At 6/1/06 22:30, Blogger Candace said...

I'll miss you, and I hope you'll maybe email me once in a while so I know you're okay? It's the mommy genes; once I start caring for a person I can't stop.

*hugs*

 
At 9/1/06 04:03, Blogger amyesq said...

I can certainly understand needing to take time off, my dear. I will hope and pray that 2006 brings good things and healing for you. And, just in case, I'm keeping you on the old blogroll.

 
At 9/1/06 16:30, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are *FABULOUS*, dahling.

Smooches.

--Soper

 
At 10/1/06 01:04, Blogger Dale said...

{{{Johnny}}}

(Just in case; can't know when you're sad if you're not posting :->)

 
At 12/1/06 00:05, Anonymous Manuela said...

I know you're not posting right now... but wanted to pop back in just to let you know I was thinking about you...

 
At 12/1/06 18:54, Blogger Teri said...

Ditto...

 
At 13/1/06 19:10, Blogger Udge said...

Glad to see I'm not the only one who still checks in at regular intervals :-)

Hugs and back-rubs from Germany.

 
At 14/1/06 06:14, Blogger elswhere said...

Hey. Miss you. I guess you meant it about saying adieu!

I Hope you're doing okay. Take care.

 

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