Sunday, December 18, 2005

Yahrzeit

My friend V. is amazing and is arranging things so we can have a Yahrzeit ceremony for Uzi at our synagogue. That is actually what I needed but I couldn’t bear to do it myself. The media references have started so no more radio for me while driving - no more much of anything related really till this is all over. Thank you all who’ve been writing and commenting to say you’re thinking of us now, it’s lovely to hear. I know Uzi won’t be forgotten but it’s lovely to hear how much you’ve made him yours as well. I’ve finally written something for his memorial next Friday:

In the very beginning of our relationship my boyfriend won me over completely when he told me I want you to know you can always talk to me abt Uzi, I understand and I'd never be jealous. And only you could make me start writing something for an ex-boyfriend by quoting the current one, you two'd get along so brilliantly - though what I remember most abt you and I is that you still are my best friend. Today, maybe as Lila stands here reading this, we will be lighting a Yahrzeit candle for you at our synagogue. I don’t know what happens after death so I’ve decided you are sitting outside with Yaniv, laughing, drinking beer, greeting passersby with “alan”. I am so sorry that I never found you among the pictures of the victims, I would have liked to help bring you home sooner, that much I could have done. Some people were horrified that I could look at them for a week, others were surprised I flew to Israel for 4 days only to be at your funeral. Some people, apparently, have never had someone like you in their lives. Haval. I would do anything for you in life, how could I not say goodbye to you in person? This past year has been absolutely horrendous and I very often still don’t know what to do with myself. I still sometimes dream I am underwater saving lives. It’s usually gorillas I save, for some reason. Or at least I recover their bodies so they can be returned to their families. (I know you would find this gorilla obsession hysterically funny. Actually, I hope you were around when Lila, Zohar and I made all those terribly morbid jokes, you’d love them. God I miss your inappropriate sense of humour.) But see, I may not know what happens after death but I know what happens after your death. I promised a year ago that I will have as good a life as I possibly can, not only bcs you would hate it if your death broke us, but bcs this is my way of thanking Life, The Universe and Everything for having given me you. I still think that your being dead is obscene and we shouldn’t be standing here, the earth should stand still and the sky should turn black and dragons should come screaming to wage war against all worlds bcs you cannot be dead. So I think about you, I miss you, I am sad every day, but every day I am more grateful than sad. How could I not be?

I used to have a cat that I brought w me from Eilat. He’d been very ill, lost an eye, had a broken pelvis. He loved to chase butterflies on the lawn. He was killed by 2 kibbutz dogs and after that, whenever we saw a butterfly we decided it was his way of saying “hallo”. A few months ago I had a particularly bad day and didn’t see how I would survive any of this with my sanity intact. I asked you to please find a way to let me know that you were all right, that you weren’t too sad you were dead, that you weren’t too worried abt us. I barely slept and when I got up, very early in the morning, I went into the living-room and found a huge yellow butterfly trapped between the window and the netting. Just like that. There was no way really it could have got there but there it was, and it was absolutely perfect, like a headbutting from a silky cat. I have a place where I write things and people can comment. I have been obsessively writing abt you, and people from all over the world have prayed for your life and think of you now when they see butterflies. They even send me reports and pictures from their gardens. Recently someone who never met you (or me) wrote something amazing, something which encapsulates it brilliantly, something I know many of them feel: Everyone who reads you misses Uzi. And this too is absolutely perfect, the sort of beautiful only you could inspire. You are remembered.

You are still my Tig, I am still Pip, only the rules have changed a bit.

[This still reminds me of him and forever will, 2nd link in this post. And Lamb's Angel Gabriel.]

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30 Comments:

At 18/12/05 13:01, Blogger Ed said...

And I bet there won't be a dry eye to be seen. Beautiful, J, simply beautiful.

 
At 18/12/05 13:43, Blogger Udge said...

... nor will there be a dry eye among the blogreaders. Wonderful. I'm glad that you will have a Yahrzeit for Uzi, it'll hurt like hell but I think it will also do you much good.

 
At 18/12/05 16:31, Blogger CarpeDM said...

This was so beautiful, Johnny. Ed & Udge are right, there will not be a dry eye anywhere. No one could read or hear this without finding both sorrow and joy.

I have believed for a long time that Uzi and Douglas Adams are the best of friends now. Perhaps Douglas is sitting there with Yaniv as well.

I love you so much and leave you with hugs and beijos galore.

 
At 18/12/05 17:42, Anonymous liquicat said...

i am moved to tears. thank you so much for sharing yourself with us.

 
At 18/12/05 18:30, Blogger Carmi said...

What a wonderful tribute to a wonderful person. I wish I could make your pain go away, but I know that mourning is never that simple.

I've always loved how our Jewish traditions are designed to guide us through the mourning process, to help us move on. It all seems to have such a set purpose, yet nothing about this kind of loss can be fully understood. I guess it's up to us to fill in the rest of the framework.

May you continue to be blessed as you continue your journey. I look forward to reading more on your insightfully written blog.

 
At 18/12/05 18:59, Blogger smashinglady said...

Very beautiful and touching.

Thank you for sharing Uzi with all of us, he lives in my heart as well and even though i never had the fortune to meet him his memory, even just the ones experienced through your eyes, will live on in my heart.

 
At 18/12/05 19:17, Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

It's still so raw, Johnny, like saltwater in the wound. Which is what caused the wound in the first place...

Crying for you still. How has it been a year?

 
At 18/12/05 19:38, Blogger brooksba said...

This is beautiful Johnny. My eyes are not dry as I read this.

Love to you and love to Uzi.

Beijos.

 
At 18/12/05 19:58, Blogger Diana said...

Lovely, darlin'. I like Dana's image of him hanging out with Douglas Adams. I see them at a cafe, drinking beers.

 
At 19/12/05 00:36, Blogger twisteddragonfly said...

Told you it would come to you, J. And you will understand when I say that you are the best of cheeses. Thinking of Uzi and you.....

 
At 19/12/05 02:44, Blogger Dale said...

That's beautiful, dear one. I'm so glad you're having the Yahrzeit. These things really do help.

 
At 19/12/05 06:04, Blogger Teri said...

Beautiful...and so touching.

Teri

 
At 19/12/05 12:47, Blogger Ana said...

This was beautiful, and I'm sure wherever he is, Uzi is "reading" this.

 
At 19/12/05 14:21, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was really beautiful. I'm thinking about you, kibbutz and Uzi....and Uzi and Yaniv drinking beer, hanging out...it's a lovely thought..Caron

 
At 19/12/05 16:17, Blogger cat said...

That is lovely beyond words.

He will always be remembered because of you.

Thinking of you and him throughout.

 
At 19/12/05 17:30, Blogger LeggyP said...

That is so beautiful and touching. I hope that writing the words and speaking them helps you come closer to coming to peace with your grief. It is a hard place to be, and I'm sorry you have to go there.

 
At 19/12/05 23:19, Blogger Serialangel said...

That was so beautiful and I hope for you. You're so beautiful and wonderful and strong. I've been thinking about Uzi a lot more than usual and I shall remember him with happiness in the way you bring your Uzi to life.

Love you, Betty xx

 
At 19/12/05 23:30, Blogger moegirl said...

Beautiful tribute.

 
At 20/12/05 14:52, Blogger Michael Lawrence said...

Such terrible losses certainly remind us of life's treasures and priorities. May you and his family be comforted.

 
At 21/12/05 04:21, Blogger Tendersoul said...

I had dream about your post last night and about Uzi. I actually woke up in that half wake/half dream state and kept chanting Uzi and Tig in my mind trying to put it all together. The last thing I remember was shedding a tear as you spoke at the memorial. I smiled, because you brought him to life by painting this picture with your words. That's when I understood.

I despise the loss you feel, it's certainly never fair. But, I also embrace the memories you carry and feel you should be proud of the way you keep him alive in your heart to share with us.

 
At 21/12/05 21:25, Blogger Candace said...

Oh, Johnny. I am and always will be so angry for you, for Uzi's family. And I'm so sad for you all, too, but happy that you had him in your lives.

And when my son asks me about The Event, I tell him that I have a friend who lost her best friend because of it and that means that we're all connected and when one of us hurts, we all do. So he won't forget, either.

 
At 22/12/05 09:08, Blogger Panda said...

Dammit. Crying.

Ever since I first read your blog - which was a post about Uzi which also had me in tears - I have thought of the both of you every time I see a butterfly.

There have been many in our garden this week.

I know he'll always be around because you tell such beautiful stories about him and make us all feel like we knew him just a little bit.

It's cheesy, I know, but I do send you very warm hugs.

xxxP

 
At 22/12/05 13:23, Blogger K|nneret said...

You've been in my thoughts these last several days, babe. Uzi is also ... funny how one can care so much about two people she's never met.

*hugs* and much love to you.

 
At 23/12/05 13:54, Blogger Susie said...

Been thinking of you, so wanted to check in. What a beautiful post and tribute. Tears, here. Gratitude. That's one of our best capabilities. May you be blessed.

 
At 23/12/05 13:58, Blogger Bubbi said...

I have been absent but wanted to check in before the holiday chaos begins.

You have done a wonderful job of honoring Uzi.
I found myself talking about him and you to two of my friends just the other day.
Take care.............

 
At 24/12/05 13:55, Anonymous Absurdo said...

É uma belíssíma homenagem, a que aqui faz ao seu amigo Uzi.
Não sei se será correcto desejar-lhe um Bom Natal, dada a sua religião, mas, como também sou ateu, acabo por lhe desejar Boas Festas.
José

 
At 24/12/05 18:58, Blogger Kristin said...

Thinking of you dear Johnny...I posted a response to you on my blog. http://www.blogger.com/publish-comment.do?blogID=8678310&postID=113459155236410816&r=ok

 
At 25/12/05 01:07, Blogger brooksba said...

I was thinking of you. I wanted to stop by and send you best wishes and big hugs and tell you again how much you are loved.

 
At 25/12/05 05:35, Blogger Henri-V said...

That felt like being draped in warm sunshine after being cold for too long. I hope you and Uzi's loved ones feel the sunshine, too. And what a man Loverboy must be.

 
At 25/12/05 16:19, Blogger CarpeDM said...

Wanted to stop by and tell you I'm thinking of you. My boss is going to Portugal in March or April and I'm so jealous of him. I wish it was me. Miss you and love you much!

 

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