The way in which we're fortunate

LUIS, se leres isto manda-me um mail por favor, lionessblog@gmail.com

Do you know, I have been ensconced in my news-less fortress for quite a while now, to avoid Tsunami references. I forced myself to stay up really late last night hoping it'd make me sleep longer and make the day shorter. Ha. Didn't. I slept only a few hours and have been fumbling w the computer not knowing quite what to do.

Then I turned on the telly.

See, all of a sudden I wanted to see what kind of ceremony was held for my Tig, and all those thousands who died w him. I wanted to see it, since I could not be there. (I close my eyes every time they show images of the Wave, as I0've read somewhere In life pain is unavoidable, suffering is optional). What I saw was good. Proper, I suppose. Dignified. It’s horrifying to look at the ground he walked on but also heartwarming. He was surely having the best time, lizzarding in the sun. If we are going to die anyway, then enjoying it till the very last minute is surely a Very Good Thing. They are now showing images of Khao Lak, where he was staying, where we think he was killed. I’ve seen relatives and friends of the victims. Wish they blogged. There is a brand new Tsunami warning system in Indonesia. Do you know how many lives this could, probably will, save? Uzi would be so pleased. Now they reporter is being daft and questioning whether it’s not too soon to do it, whether this may not be construed as being abt rebuilding everything for tourism rather than those who died. I have been avoiding the news everywhere especially now but in general I stay away fropm them, especially on the telly. One hour and a half of misery, and misery portrayed in such a manner as above, is both choosing and taking advantage of suffering and I refuse to.

It has now been exactly a year. As much as a part of me wants the sky to turn black etc – kindly refer tp previous post – I know it is a good thing it doesn’t. I know that life goes on and, more importantly, I know it must go on or else we are killing those we loved again, and this time deliberately. They are dead, we are not, and us remaining standing requires rituals that provide us w the foundations for said verticality. One of those is acknowledging their deaths on the day of their deaths. The exact day, yes. More so when it’s been exactly one year only. So no, it’s not too soon. Surprisingly, the timing is exactly right.

I was talking to my friend G. last night. She said something that warmed my soul, she said thanks to me people will probably remember Uzi long after they’ve forgotten abt me. This has been playing on repeat inside my head. Yesterday something else made me smile. I’d forgotten all abt my Guest Map and then I remembered and clicked on it. Some people delurked there. And that’s why I wanted to tell you, again, there will be times you will be confronted w someone else’s pain and you may not know what to do or say. You may feel it will never be right, never be enough so why even attempt it. But see, those lurkers delurking weren’t even trying to make me feel better and yet they did. You never know. And telling someone you’re sorry they’re hurting and that you’re thinking abt them could never be wrong, no matter how inadequate you may find it. And talking abt those who died is actually a relief to us, bcs people so often avoid mentioning them in case they hurt us. You could never remind us of something we never forget. That you don’t forget either is cause for joy, I hope you see that. Do not underestimate the power of small things. Do not underestimate small words, small gestures.

And why are we fortunate? There was a woman in Thailand holding the pictures of her two children and showing them to people who might have seen them and know where they are. Bcs they are still alive, see. She simply knows they are still alive. And then, with a schizophrenia so familiar it made me shiver, she added that if no one comes forward within the next month with news she will accept their death. But for the grace of God that could be me. That would be me. Remember my February posts where I was still loudly banging the drums of hope, lalalaIcan’thearyou? There are close to 40.000 buried in mass graves, close to 40.000 who never were identified, close to 40.000 who never came home to rest. Uzi is home on the kibbutz. Uzi is home, we can go visit. Or not. But he is home, he is right there, he was returned to us. The alternative is too horrific to contemplate. I may still struggle to bring home the drowned gorillas of my dreams but when I wake up the nightmare stops. Reality is its own nightmare of sorts but this one I can live with. Not having had his body found and returned to us – I cannot even imagine what that must feel like. Must feel like insanity, and this sometimes feels too much like it already. Those poor people.

A few of you asked abt Tzedakah, whether you could donate something to a charity of my choice in his name. I couldn't think of this bfr but I think it is time now. I think he’d like that. Magen David Adom is an organisation that provides first-aid training and medical aid, here:

1. Providing auxiliary service to Israel's Army Medical Corps in wartime, including providing emergency medical care for the wounded and war refugees
2. Providing civilian emergency, medical, and first-aid services and temporary shelter in emergency situations
3. Maintaining a blood bank for civilian use.

This is the site in Israel, the US, in the UK.

But it doesn’t have to be money, it doesn’t even have to be Magen David Adom. I’d love it if those of you willing to donated blood and enrolled in the bone marrow program closest to you, people always forget abt the bone marrow. There never is enough blood in hospitals, never ever. And every year so many people, so many of them children, die bcs no matches were found even though there are billions of us on this planet. Nowadays if you turn out to be a match all they do is draw blood to get your cells, it’s no longer painful. You could be saving someone’s life. You could be saving a friend’s or a relative’s life. I have psoriasis and my most personal grievance is that I cannot do it, my blood is so filled w inflammatory blood cells it’d do no one any good to receive it. If you do do it, I'd love to hear abt it, anonymously or not. I know Tzedaka should be nameless but this is abt Uzi and I think of it as donating a nice, visible plaque. His full name is Uzi Saghi, btw.

And if you’ve read Silwormks you will not be surprised if I tell you that I will now go out and buy a book for him. And then I will come back and watch the Gilmore Girls, which always makes even my innards smile. And I will lie on the sofa and will his death to move over a bit so I can see his life better. And I will cry and I will sob and I will smile and I will gag and will be headbutted and scent-marked by little furry heads, it’s been going on for a while now. But I will go out and buy a book for my Tig and I will read it and I will bloody enjoy it, rest assured.

[Boyfriend’s just rang me and told me to go and get the book, yes, it would be his gift. And could I buy something for him as well? I asked if he meant something for Uzi as well. He said buy it as though it’s for him, only you give it to me. And then we can open them after lighting the 2nd candle tonight, did I see. And I do see. Uzi touches even those who never met him, which didn't surprise her at all.]