Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Thunder. Fuck.

I know thunder storms are natural phenomena but I am, understably, less than filled with admiration, yesterday I was up till 8 am, 8 afuckingam, bovinely I waited for sleep without even the strength to do anything abt it, insomnia's little pursed gift, you don't half lose your mind, I've been meaning to take a Stilnox for a good while now but the thunder is scaring me to death, as it always does, and it's coming closer, and I feel I must keep watch, the whole house just shook and the dog flew from the sofa and I know just how she feels bcs I feel my eyelids straining from the pressure of having my eyes too widely open, I know I should be grateful for the rain, maybe our forests won't be as ravaged this year, our farmers as ruined, our people as homeless, our animals and wildlife as burnt to death, but I cannot ever be grateful for rain in a storm, I know some love to sit in their gardens and enjoy the show, the bleeding idiots, I see the blue lightning out of the corner of my eye and keep expecting us all to just burst into flames and oh don't tell me I'm quite safe, I've always feared storms and people tell me how lovely they are, just like fireworks and idiots, I am afraid of those as well, [I swear the glass will break, I swear it will, but now I have to be strong for the dog, who looks at me in a panic to see what my reaction is every time the foundations and the bloody glass panes shake] and they explain to me in detail how perfectly silly I am, just as they used to explain to me, after I'd explained to them what it was, that my tsunami phobia was perfectly silly and now they're strangely silent on the subject, and speaking of Uzi, he has been on my mind a lot these days, on a level higher than he one I usually allow him, and maybe I am not sleeping bcs not only does it mean I relinquish control over things I cannot much control anyway but it further separates me from him, and maybe it's very fortunate that I have an excuse not to sleep after all, and isn't it funny how no matter what fears, no matter what pains, they all coalesce to form the darkest, most vibrant core of us, and the core is one, and sometimes I wish I'd been born disconnected but that would feel too much like sleeping, it occurs to me, and it subsequently occurs to me, therefore, that I might not want it all that much after all

Links to this post:

<\$BlogItemBacklinkCreate\$>

13 Comments:

At 14/6/06 04:18, Blogger Serialangel said...

I know, its 4 am and still awake! I'm going to pay for it in the morning...but I just had to say despite scary storms (they make my best friend cry) you've just said one of the best lines I've read from you -

"...isn't it funny how no matter what fears, no matter what pains, they all coalesce to form the darkest, most vibrant core of us, and the core is one, and sometimes I wish I'd been born disconnected but that would feel too much like sleeping, it occurs to me, and it subsequently occurs to me, therefore, that I might not want it all that much after all"

I know I love you already, but its reminded me why after all this time. Because its such a core truth in each of us - how the toughest moments are the making of us, and the brightest of us, and what it means to let yourself do things that make us who we are in the course of life but can fill us with extraordinary AArgh-ness, or even destroy something entirely. Brilliant. xx

 
At 14/6/06 07:04, Blogger brooksba said...

I will admit, there is something scary about thunderstorms and no one has to make you enjoy one. I prefer to admire them from a distance.

I knew a guy who moved to Minnesota from California. He was not familiar with lightning at all. I had never realized that thunderstorms are not as common as I am used to and was surprised when he asked if he could get shocked driving his car. Our pets also are afraid of the booms of thunder and we've trained them well - when it gets bad, they automatically head to the basement.

I know it is hard for you to think of Uzi and it is still (always will be) a hard way for him to be gone. And even when he is close in thought, it hurts. All I can offer you is support and my friendship. I love you and miss you all the time.

Beijos

 
At 14/6/06 10:23, Blogger Ana said...

Lunch today? Where and when?

 
At 14/6/06 15:05, Blogger Diana said...

Ah, sorry. Wish I could take all the storms from you and leave just the lovely rain. Sorry the pets are freaked as well. It's hard to be 'brave for someone' when you just want to curl up and scream.

 
At 14/6/06 15:28, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Lioness, thunderstorms can indeed be terrifying. I hope they let up soon.

And I hope you get some sleep soon. The good kind. The peaceful, gentle, life-affirming kind.

 
At 14/6/06 20:08, Blogger Dale said...

I'm afraid I'm one of those horrible people who enjoys thunderstorms, but I wish I could render such comfort to you as you did recently to me. Hugs, dear. Much love.

 
At 14/6/06 22:07, Blogger treppenwitz said...

I also hate to say it but I love thunderstorms. My idea of heaven is to be out camping during a storm and watching the lightning flashes though the fabric of the tent... and then counting the seconds till the thunder clap. I know... strange boy. Take the drugs and please do whatever you need to in order to get some rest.

 
At 15/6/06 16:23, Anonymous Bloodfire said...

If thunderstorms scare you that much, you might want to just put on a pair of headphones nice and loud whenever a storm starts, and shut the blinds. Then you could at least try to ignore it.

But then, I'm just an army calvery scout, what do I know about dealing with weather?

 
At 15/6/06 16:57, Anonymous Manuela said...

As much as I personally love thunder storms... I was out gardening in the midst of one just the other day... I ABHOR people who try to use logic to counsel people suffering from a phobia.

Drives me NUTS! The difference between a phobia and plain fear, at least in my mind, is that a fear can be assuaged by reason, a phobia, cannot. When I hear you describe your terror... I just want to hold your hands, make you hot cocoa, and try to simply comfort you and your sweet dog. I don't want to try to talk you OUT of your fear! I know first hand... that this does absolutely NOTHING.

I suffer from a phobia of fish. Not eating them. But being in the water with them. They can be the prettiest, most-harmless little tropical beauties in the clearest of water... it doesn't matter... the fear just chokes my throat. When everyone tells me how irrational my fear is, and how harmless they are... all it does is make me feel foolish. I KNOW it's not rational... but that doesn't make it go away!

Anyway, darling... I'm so sorry you had to suffer thunder storms AND insomnia...

smooches.

 
At 15/6/06 20:21, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Yes, I too must admit I love the thunder and the lighning and the wind and the rain. Others in my house cower underneath things, but I sit on the porch under the metal roof and wait for the patter of the raindrops. (we get so little of it here)

 
At 15/6/06 20:23, Blogger Udge said...

That has to be the world's best single-sentence blog post yet.

Hugs and sympathy for the terrors, from another stormlover.

 
At 16/6/06 09:12, Blogger Ana said...

almo├žamos hoje? segunda feira?

 
At 18/6/06 05:21, Blogger Eliyahu said...

blessings on the thunderstorms, and especially the rain, and on your exams. may you both be blessed to enjoy your bliss....remember that a little more and the aweful a little less.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home