Thunder. Fuck.

I know thunder storms are natural phenomena but I am, understably, less than filled with admiration, yesterday I was up till 8 am, 8 afuckingam, bovinely I waited for sleep without even the strength to do anything abt it, insomnia's little pursed gift, you don't half lose your mind, I've been meaning to take a Stilnox for a good while now but the thunder is scaring me to death, as it always does, and it's coming closer, and I feel I must keep watch, the whole house just shook and the dog flew from the sofa and I know just how she feels bcs I feel my eyelids straining from the pressure of having my eyes too widely open, I know I should be grateful for the rain, maybe our forests won't be as ravaged this year, our farmers as ruined, our people as homeless, our animals and wildlife as burnt to death, but I cannot ever be grateful for rain in a storm, I know some love to sit in their gardens and enjoy the show, the bleeding idiots, I see the blue lightning out of the corner of my eye and keep expecting us all to just burst into flames and oh don't tell me I'm quite safe, I've always feared storms and people tell me how lovely they are, just like fireworks and idiots, I am afraid of those as well, [I swear the glass will break, I swear it will, but now I have to be strong for the dog, who looks at me in a panic to see what my reaction is every time the foundations and the bloody glass panes shake] and they explain to me in detail how perfectly silly I am, just as they used to explain to me, after I'd explained to them what it was, that my tsunami phobia was perfectly silly and now they're strangely silent on the subject, and speaking of Uzi, he has been on my mind a lot these days, on a level higher than he one I usually allow him, and maybe I am not sleeping bcs not only does it mean I relinquish control over things I cannot much control anyway but it further separates me from him, and maybe it's very fortunate that I have an excuse not to sleep after all, and isn't it funny how no matter what fears, no matter what pains, they all coalesce to form the darkest, most vibrant core of us, and the core is one, and sometimes I wish I'd been born disconnected but that would feel too much like sleeping, it occurs to me, and it subsequently occurs to me, therefore, that I might not want it all that much after all