Wednesday, July 26, 2006

What you want from me?

I don't know what to do. I stopped studying abt 3 h ago bcs I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't, and I can't. I simply cannot bear to look at the same sentences over and over again to have them not be memorised. What the fuck am i doing w my life? I am 35 years old and live like an empoverished student, will it be worth it? What if I find out that a) I am not a good vet after all, wouldn't that be a laugh and/or b) I hate it, absolutely hate it? I see students from other universities whose vet degrees are shaped like human medicine, like the things you see on the telly. They have clinical rotations. Their programs are serious, they are taken seriously, they take themselves seriously. Me? I feel like a fraud. Our university is proudly said to be the glory of the country. I think glory got mixed up with cesspit, I am in the 3rd year and what the bloody hell have I learnt? As good as nothing. We are not taught to think as doctors, we are taught to memorise and spew and forget. I don't understand how I could have had 12 exams last semester in close to 3 weeks and passed them all, I truly don't,a nd this semester I have far less and am failing abysmally. This semester I am tired. I don't want to do this anymore, not like this, this is too hard, this is too little. I had 7 subjects this semester, which makes 11 exams. [Oh wait, 11 exams? Really? Well, still.] I passed a few and then - Biochem (8 out of 20 which isn't bad considering most of it was random circling); Imagiology - no time to prepare whatsoever bcs we had 2 days in btwn exams so welcome to a 6, lovely grade, the 6; I didn't even attempt to write Anat Path II bcs, again, no time to prepare bcs was desperately trying to intuit which of the 400 pages i should devote myself to in the 2 or 3 days I had to study; didn't attempt Pharmacology either bcs am absolutely lost w the calculations for prescriptions and besides it's 3 exams in a row, from 9-14h, and then from 14-16h there was Biochem so I chose Biochem instead and cannot even ironically say Well chosen bcs of prescriptions and had I failed that one and passed the other 2 with smashing grades I'd still be forced to re-write them all bcs the grades are not kept for the September exams, how lovely. Did go to the 2nd Biochem exam again but really, this time I don't think I have managed more than a 6, this season's numerology session brought to you by What Was She Thinking When She Thought She Could Be a Vet. I will be writing Imagiology in a few hours and really, why even bother. I will go but what's the point. And then I have 2 days bfr Path Anat II, and although I find it interesting it's one of the hardest for me to study bcs we do not have a book, it's basically notes written by the teacher and by some students, and I have the sort of brain that needs context to memorise, otherwise there is no earthly reason why impetigo cannot be intertigo and vice-versa. So that too shall be fun.

I know this semester was made worse bcs I had the miscarriage and it took me forever to recover, and bcs I wasted all that time on the stupid translation, sod the man, for absolutely nothing, but what's the point of knowing why? I am tired, tired, tired. I have been studying for 5 years and have not had a holiday the whole time bcs August was needed for the September exams. I am, obviously, reactively depressed. I know this shall pass. But fuck me if I have the strength to really believe in it, it's a dark, dark tunnel from where I am standing. I still have not passed this year, need to pass one more subject bfr that happens. If I fail Biochem (and a miracle would be needed for me not to have) I will leave it for next year bcs this September will see following subjects: Path Anat I [1 exam] (the last of the 12 exams was on a Thursday, a Biochem-related subject though less difficult, Path Anat I was the very next Friday, I did go and circle random letters but we know how lucky I am with that don't we); Pharmacology [3 exams in a row]; and if I fail Imagiology tomorrow and Path Anat II on Frid, add those as well. So anywhere from 4 to 6 exams in any period from a few days to a fortnight.

My new car, the one my parents bought me for my birthday, the one whose deal was signed around the day I had my miscarriage over three months ago, that car will arrive this Thursday. Don't even ask, this is yet again one of my country's equivalent of my vet degree. On Mon I will go away w a friend for 8-10 days, to the beach. I have downloaded films and series and am procuring books from my library-friend (the one person I know who buys as many as I do). And yet I am not even looking forward to it [what I want to say is kann mich nicht mal drauf freuen] bcs I don't think I can feel all that much anymore, am strangely depleted. The one thing I can still feel is a quasi sense of relief bcs Uzi most absolutely cannot be killed in the war. Thank you, tsunami motherfucker, for the almost gratitude that I can at least be be spared his death now.

Am tired, is all. Wish I were my dog.


At 26/7/06 04:08, Blogger brooksba said...

My thoughts are with you and I hope that it does get better. School, dreams, goals are so much work. I think they do it on purpose, but still, can't they just see we want to practice the skills, not just memorize facts?

I miss you. You deserve a good holiday, a break, and lots of laughter.

At 26/7/06 04:10, Blogger Viscondessa said...

Oh honey! You poor thing! I wish I could send you a plane ticket so that you could escape to a totally different world for a little while.

I'm sorry I missed you online the other day. Pls try again soon. Am always home, just not usually at the computer anymore bcs I've reverted to writing by hand. The internet is too tempting.

At 26/7/06 04:34, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are brilliant, woman! This is just one of those "how the hell am i going to go on" moments. I know them. I have them. This too shall pass. Of course, there is always Banking. Keep your chin up. We are all cheering for you!

At 26/7/06 04:49, Blogger Manuela said...

Oh, darlin... my heart aches at your anguish right now...

Of COURSE you're tired, of COURSE you are exhausted, of COURSE you are questioning the grand why of it all... Just try to hold tight until your break in a few days... there will be light at the end of that annoying proverbial fucking tunnel.

And... for what it's worth... you will be a FABULOUS vet! You JUST will! No questions about it. And you will THRIVE at it!

At 26/7/06 09:41, Blogger Noorster said...

I am absolutely convinced that you'll make a fantastic vet.
When will you get to study the more interesting subjects?

At 26/7/06 15:29, Blogger Ana said...

J, I don’t really know what to say. Except that you do not look 35 at all. So that’s good right?

Anyway, I’m sure you’ll make an absolutely great vet, no matter how long it takes.

At 26/7/06 15:40, Blogger Diana said...

Of course you will be a fabulous vet. (Deep down you know it, too, or you wouldn't be here, flailing away at this fucking miserable thing.) By the way, it sounds horribly like med school. Sorry. Lots of rote memorization, little deduction until you get past the tuition paying time and into the less-than-minimum-wage-earning-won't-cover-a fraction-of-my-loans residency time. I'm delighted you're going away for some good, solid vegetating, even if you are too beaten up to look forward to it.

At 26/7/06 17:53, Blogger pithydithy said...

You can and will do this!!!!! While my own experience was in a PhD program and, since we don't actually have to ever DO anything (anything REAL), it was probably pretty different. But I do know this: during those five years of hell I thought about quitting approximately four billion times. I hated it. A lot. have to tell yourself that they probably know what they're doing. Breaking you down like in boot camp and molding a VET out of you. My father is a doctor and has commented to me that what he learned in med school was not knowledge, but where to look for knowledge so that, when he was done and began his residency, he could figure out how to learn and how to do things the right way. Does that make sense? Probably not. But I'm sending hugs. This has been a horrible semester for you and I am so sorry for that.

At 26/7/06 20:43, Blogger Udge said...

For the little it's worth: you are tired, is all. But "all" is not really the right word. Considering what's happened, you have every right to be tired. Don't hit yourself on the head about it, and give that loudmouthed inner critic a hefty Krav Maga kick in the butt while you're at it.

Go to the beach, dammit. Take no book that requires a reading age greater than eight, and restrict yourself to half a book a day, and spend the rest of the time asleep. (Yes I know about the insomnia, just trust me.)

Big hugs. This too will pass.

(Your translation of "kann micht nicht darauf freuen" was exactly right BTW.)

At 26/7/06 21:03, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Sun, swim, lay in the sand. Do something that's not school while you are gone.
But we all know you can do it, see read what we say.

At 26/7/06 23:21, Blogger CarpeDM said...

Oh, sweetie. I wish I could give you a huge hug. This sucks. But you will make a great vet. It's so obvious, anyone that's spent any time with you or read anything you've written knows that.

I agree with Udge about using the Krav Maga kick to the inner critic. I've had to tell mine to shut up a lot lately.

I hope you have a lovely time reading. I know you don't get a chance to do much for pleasure.

At 27/7/06 00:14, Blogger Panda said...

I remember having those incredibly dark moments during my degree too. They totally suck arse and make you ask the "why?" of an angry fist, but you are one of the most intelligent people I've ever "met" and you will get through this my dear, and you will make a fantastic vet, and if you get sick of rotations and suchlike you can always come ove rhere and be my personal vet. Well, not mine, but my kitties'.

I hope you manage to find some enjoyment on your beach holiday and relax just a little.

At 27/7/06 19:49, Blogger Stacey said...

There is no doubt in my mind that you will make a most wonderful vet. You are brilliant, caring and compassionate.

You just need a rest. Glad you are going to the beach. I just got back from a week on the Atlantic Coast. It does wonders for the spirit and the soul.

Hang in there. I am thinking about you.

At 29/7/06 00:11, Blogger M said...

ana is right. you're not really 35, r u?


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