What you want from me?
I don't know what to do. I stopped studying abt 3 h ago bcs I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't, and I can't. I simply cannot bear to look at the same sentences over and over again to have them not be memorised. What the fuck am i doing w my life? I am 35 years old and live like an empoverished student, will it be worth it? What if I find out that a) I am not a good vet after all, wouldn't that be a laugh and/or b) I hate it, absolutely hate it? I see students from other universities whose vet degrees are shaped like human medicine, like the things you see on the telly. They have clinical rotations. Their programs are serious, they are taken seriously, they take themselves seriously. Me? I feel like a fraud. Our university is proudly said to be the glory of the country. I think glory got mixed up with cesspit, I am in the 3rd year and what the bloody hell have I learnt? As good as nothing. We are not taught to think as doctors, we are taught to memorise and spew and forget. I don't understand how I could have had 12 exams last semester in close to 3 weeks and passed them all, I truly don't,a nd this semester I have far less and am failing abysmally. This semester I am tired. I don't want to do this anymore, not like this, this is too hard, this is too little. I had 7 subjects this semester, which makes 11 exams. [Oh wait, 11 exams? Really? Well, still.] I passed a few and then - Biochem (8 out of 20 which isn't bad considering most of it was random circling); Imagiology - no time to prepare whatsoever bcs we had 2 days in btwn exams so welcome to a 6, lovely grade, the 6; I didn't even attempt to write Anat Path II bcs, again, no time to prepare bcs was desperately trying to intuit which of the 400 pages i should devote myself to in the 2 or 3 days I had to study; didn't attempt Pharmacology either bcs am absolutely lost w the calculations for prescriptions and besides it's 3 exams in a row, from 9-14h, and then from 14-16h there was Biochem so I chose Biochem instead and cannot even ironically say Well chosen bcs of prescriptions and had I failed that one and passed the other 2 with smashing grades I'd still be forced to re-write them all bcs the grades are not kept for the September exams, how lovely. Did go to the 2nd Biochem exam again but really, this time I don't think I have managed more than a 6, this season's numerology session brought to you by What Was She Thinking When She Thought She Could Be a Vet. I will be writing Imagiology in a few hours and really, why even bother. I will go but what's the point. And then I have 2 days bfr Path Anat II, and although I find it interesting it's one of the hardest for me to study bcs we do not have a book, it's basically notes written by the teacher and by some students, and I have the sort of brain that needs context to memorise, otherwise there is no earthly reason why impetigo cannot be intertigo and vice-versa. So that too shall be fun.
I know this semester was made worse bcs I had the miscarriage and it took me forever to recover, and bcs I wasted all that time on the stupid translation, sod the man, for absolutely nothing, but what's the point of knowing why? I am tired, tired, tired. I have been studying for 5 years and have not had a holiday the whole time bcs August was needed for the September exams. I am, obviously, reactively depressed. I know this shall pass. But fuck me if I have the strength to really believe in it, it's a dark, dark tunnel from where I am standing. I still have not passed this year, need to pass one more subject bfr that happens. If I fail Biochem (and a miracle would be needed for me not to have) I will leave it for next year bcs this September will see following subjects: Path Anat I [1 exam] (the last of the 12 exams was on a Thursday, a Biochem-related subject though less difficult, Path Anat I was the very next Friday, I did go and circle random letters but we know how lucky I am with that don't we); Pharmacology [3 exams in a row]; and if I fail Imagiology tomorrow and Path Anat II on Frid, add those as well. So anywhere from 4 to 6 exams in any period from a few days to a fortnight.
My new car, the one my parents bought me for my birthday, the one whose deal was signed around the day I had my miscarriage over three months ago, that car will arrive this Thursday. Don't even ask, this is yet again one of my country's equivalent of my vet degree. On Mon I will go away w a friend for 8-10 days, to the beach. I have downloaded films and series and am procuring books from my library-friend (the one person I know who buys as many as I do). And yet I am not even looking forward to it [what I want to say is kann mich nicht mal drauf freuen] bcs I don't think I can feel all that much anymore, am strangely depleted. The one thing I can still feel is a quasi sense of relief bcs Uzi most absolutely cannot be killed in the war. Thank you, tsunami motherfucker, for the almost gratitude that I can at least be be spared his death now.
Am tired, is all. Wish I were my dog.