Tuesday, January 25, 2005

"Retrieving Sorrow is a kind of religion, too"

WARNING: gruel post

I'm at a loss, I don't know what to do next. I have been pouring over dozens of sites basically looking for one thing at this time, photos of the unidentified victims. The only site that I can open is the Thai police one, and it's got so that the faces are familiar by now. I hope many, most will have been given their names back and returned to their families, I can't tell, there's no English version, I can't bear to think of all of them there, so cold, alone and nameless. It feels like the end of the world every time I find a dead link and it turns out to be exactly that, error message. It breaks my heart. All I want is to look for my best friend and maybe he's there, behind that closed door. Cold and alone and nameless. If I'd known abt these sites sooner I could have started looking for him sooner and maybe found him? But why are the sites down? Is Uzi the only one still missing? Have all victims been identified? I cannot really believe that. WHY HAVE THE SITES BEEN SHUT DOWN???

OTH, the bodies still being found will NOT be photographed, they will be too decomposed for that. So even if they find him now, only DNA and dental records will help. So I cannot do anything, I cannot help him any further. Tig, I so wanted to help bring you home. And I am so so sorry, so very sorry I can't.

------------------------------------

A GOOD WHILE LATER:

I am SO SICK OF THIS BLOG!!!! It used to be a haven and it's turned into a fucking morgue and I cannot help it one fucking bit!!! I've actually considered taking the bloody thing down, I cannot stand to look at it most of the time and I wonder how you lot do it, and believe me, I appreciate that you check in to see how I'm doing bcs if I were in your shoes I'd just fucking run as fast as I could, and I apologise to the poor unsuspecting souls who come via Next Blog, THAT'S GOT TO BE FUN, EH? And now, to top it all, I've apparently developed a pattern, I write a horribly depressing post and THEN get horribly mad so I'll add to it: I will, as of now, add horribly ridiculous links after each one. BECAUSE I CAN, because I am tired to the bone of all this fucking shit and the days don't get any easier, even the easy ones. I am tired of making other people feel bad, the comments often leave me floored bcs I don't think my Uzi posts are that strong, I definitely do not think they are, I can never find the most effective words, I know I talk abt sad things but I thought it was all pretty dull (as in dull knives) bcs of said lack of right words, I only got really mad now a while after reading Beth's comment bcs she echoed what so many of you have told me here and per email, they make you sad, they have made some of you cry, how fucked up is that? You shouldn't have to be this affected, I'm like a STD minus the sex, I am now VIRTUALLY the kind of Pink Panther people so often think I am anyway, a HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS one. I can promise you this, I will be alright. There will come a time surely when I won't be bcs we all know numb doesn't last, as the starlette episode has proven, but even then I will be alright so please, please, please, DO NOT feel like you have to comment or come in at all, I promise I understand if you stay away.

I cannot prevent Sorrow from floating to the surface [neither could John Irving, HA!] but I can promise you Laughter will be there at the end. I WILL "keep passing the open windows". So go on, click on the nice link already [I don't know where I found it anymore, my apologies], you may be traumatised at the end of it but it's ALL GOOD.


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19 Comments:

At 25/1/05 06:00, Blogger brooksba said...

Johnny,

I wish I had more to say and do to help you. I wanted to know I read this and it moved me. I send you all my love.

I am so sorry.

Hugs to you,

Beth

 
At 25/1/05 06:32, Blogger paulmonster said...

I desperately wish there was something I could do. But all I can do is send you all the love and sympathy I have on hand.

Please take care of yourself. Please keep writing.

 
At 25/1/05 06:45, Blogger Jen P said...

Lioness,

I'm just so sorry. So very, very sorry.

 
At 25/1/05 07:37, Blogger brooksba said...

Johnny,

Don't you dare feel bad that your words moved me. I choose to read your blog because you are my friend and I want to be there for you as much as I can. That's what friends do.

I know that you will be alright and I also know that it takes time to deal with a loss. Uzi was your best friend and a large part of your life. You have a right to deal with this in your way. If you feel sad about it, by all means, share your feelings. Holding them inside doesn't help you. There are people, including me, checking every day to see how you are because we care about you.

DM said something to me yesterday about what happened and Uzi. She told me that knowing you through blogging has helped her see how real the disaster was. We both want to take away your pain. We also had our eyes opened by your posts. I won't say I enjoyed hearing about Uzi being missing. I would give anything to bring him back to you. I will say your posts helped me think about the disaster more than as a news blip.

I guess I am trying to say that I don't want you to hurt yourself by getting mad for having feelings. You should have feelings. I am going to continue to read. You are my friend. I care about you. I hope I am not upsetting you.

Love,

Beth

 
At 25/1/05 07:55, Blogger ontheface said...

Your grief is not a turn off. You are sad, you have the guts to write about that, and you write powerfully. That is okay, and that is amazing. Compassion is built through the telling of the individual story. Darling, you're wondeful. Don't ever feel otherwise.

 
At 25/1/05 09:55, Blogger Noorster said...

Wanted to post the exact same coment that Lisa did. Why would I stay away from your blog? I don't come here because you're Disney, I do because you're powerful and moving and entertaining and real.

 
At 25/1/05 10:26, Blogger Ana said...

Well, you don't understand why I read your blog and I don't understand why you would read mine. We may both be depressing but at least you can write.

Um grande beijo

 
At 25/1/05 12:27, Blogger Ed said...

The best blogs are the ones where the reader gets to have a window into the author's mind, their very being, their soul. To be able to peek into that window is a privilege. Sometimes the window will be hard to see into because the author finds it difficult to express their inner feelings. But you write eloquently straight from the heart, giving a crystal clear view. And that is what makes your blog so appealing.

The fact that you're writing about sad things at the moment doesn't matter. You write true to yourself - you keep that window clear and unobstructed. That's what really matters.

If you were posting about happy things all the time, that would not be true to yourself and the window would get foggy.

I don't know about you but I find writing about things that hurt beneficial, therapeutic, and I find the comments that people make extremely helpful.

I know how you feel, though, because I've felt the same way with my blog. I keep writing about my father and feel sometimes that I'm harping on and people will get bored. How many times can people say that they sympathize and give you virtual hugs?

But I think people like to try to help. They like to feel that they've done something, even if it is only a very small thing. When you help someone it makes you feel good about yourself. So when people leave comments on your blog, realise that you are enabling them to feel good about themselves in some small way.

So please, PLEASE, don't delete the blog or feel bad about it. A lot of people benefit from reading your words and leaving you comments. And hopefully you benefit from it too.

 
At 25/1/05 15:28, Blogger dan said...

keep writing, never give up. DAN

 
At 25/1/05 17:07, Blogger La Foi said...

You know, it seems to me that people are drawn to blogging because it cuts through layers of denial and obligation and facade (or at least changes them up a bit) and gives a glimpse into life as it's being lived. I haven't been checking in for the beauty of your writing (thought I do appreciate it) but because I feel a pull of sympathy and connection. I can't fully understand what you're going through, but you are writing about something sad and painful and giving it shape and form, and that is what true art and culture are about. We need that.

I would completely understand if you needed to take a step back from the blog, but please don't feel you need to apologize for writing about what is difficult for you. I wish more people would (not including all those fifteen year olds whining about how depressing their lack of a phone line is).

 
At 25/1/05 17:39, Blogger Kristin said...

Lioness...please don't take this blog down and please don't apologize for what it is. As horrific as the wave was, it didn't have a human face until I found your blog. It honestly helps me to be able to look at it without it being an abstract event. I also don't want you to deprive yourself of the outlet and the comfort this can bring you.

 
At 25/1/05 18:17, Blogger annebrev said...

Lioness...

My heart goes out to you. Don't stop writing. Don't fear that you are being too much for anyone to bear - you aren't. You are beloved of many, clearly.

anne

 
At 25/1/05 19:43, Blogger Serialangel said...

On Saturday mornings at my Oxfam shop, people come in continually, to give donations, to ask how the money is working. I'm still trying to figure out what it means to me.

But reading your blog I see how this tsunami has affected strong, bright sparks like yourself. This horrible pain is there, and where I would retreat into myself, you can keep that wound open. Friends are their to use. One friend said through recovering depression, friends are walking sticks: You lean on them to walk up all the feats you'll have to perform. Sometimes you don't need them and you're striding along, sometimes they are all you have. Sometimes you get angry with needing the walking stick and you bash it against the banister.

We are all here to use. Shout at us, talk to us, bound along without us, we'll be there for you to use. Thats what friends are for.

I read you because you're unique. I see all of your aspects. Beautiful writing, ugly secrets, ugly grief, inspiring strength. As I said in my blog, you're one of the strongest people I know. So don't stop writing, you've helped me see lives played out, fully and sadness is a part of that too. You're too real to be happy all the time.

 
At 25/1/05 19:54, Blogger Dale said...

Dear One, you've got it exactly backwards. Compassion doesn't hurt. Grief and loss are what hurt. It's not painful -- to me, anyway -- to come here and read. I've been around a lot of death and grief in my life, and I no longer carry around the idea that it shouldn't happen -- & certainly not that it's some kind of imposition, an interruption of life the way it ought to be.

If anything, you're giving us the gift -- of being present with a grief that's not our own, of being close to you in this odd way -- which clearly lots of us want.

Reading your posts about this have brought me to tears a couple times. But honestly, that's not suffering, it's not a bad thing. It's a connection. It feels to me like you're sharing your love for Uzi with us, and I think that's terribly generous.

 
At 25/1/05 23:44, Anonymous Anonymous said...

suggest you continue blogging but eschew reading comments.

 
At 26/1/05 00:46, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Write what you want to write, it's your diary.
Read what we put back or not, it's our choice to come here and you don't have to listen if you don't want to. But keep writing for those of us that like to stop by.

 
At 26/1/05 03:34, Blogger Scully said...

No, don't go. It's your blog and you can write what you want on it. And not sick at looking at it.

 
At 26/1/05 20:10, Blogger CarpeDM said...

You cannot take your blog down. I will fly out to Portugal and make you put it back up. I need you. You have no idea how important you have become to me.

As for your wondering why anyone reads your blog, you are a very powerful writer. You may not realize it but I don't think anyone ever recognizes their strengths.

Johnny, please, please, please don't stop blogging. I can't imagine my life without you now. Behold the power of the internet. I've "known" you for what, 3 months? Maybe a bit more?

I love and miss you,

D

 
At 26/1/05 20:56, Blogger The Lioness said...

Anon, thanks, but I do appreciate the comments very much. I'm hooked.

 

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