And then I wake up

Most of the time I convince myself all is well, all is normal. I do what I'm supposed to do. I eat, when I remember, I try to study, I tidied my flat yesterday, the housekeeper came today, my flat is all clean and nice-smelling and gorgeous and I did experience a profound sense of well-being today till I put the cream on. It seems like the tiniest things awaken the demons, and I am unfailingly surprised. The equivalent of trying to prevent an eruption by saying "Good boy, goood boy." I live my life, the one before me, and yet have this huge technicolour screen behind my brain, where Uzi figures permanently. I have flashbacks, I hear him say things he used to say, I see his smiles, his gestures, his quirks, I can almost touch him sometimes. It runs nonstop. The astonishing bit is, I find it normal. I sometimes open my mouth to say something and "Tig" slips out, and I cover it with some other word. I actually managed to convince myself this status quo could remain forever. Him missing, NOT DEAD, just missing, and me in Lalaland. I truly did. [Mind you, he's still alive. Somehow, somewhere. Lalaland, as I said.] My friend Tom rang me today. He's known me for almost 16 years, he knows all my stories, he calls me Erdnuss (Peanut) for a reason I'll explain one day. We hadn't talked for ages (he lives in Germany) and I had to tell him. I told him. It was hideous. It's different to tell someone who actually heard his stories as they were happening. He was a sweetie, he always is. And Tess-in-Hong-Kong sent me three beautiful emails in rapid succession in the past few days. These days, even a little kindness may undo me. And it's ultimately the thing that saves me. I know I'm out of my mind thinking I may skip the bulk of the pain. But my mind doesn't seem like a good place to be in right now. As I said, the demons are light sleepers and if it's not one thing it's another. The demons may soon turn into insomniacs. I too fear I will drown.