Tuesday, March 15, 2005

And if you don't help, BOOO be unto you

I want to tell you abt Paulmonster. [Ignore all links if you must - though damn you and the mare you rode in on if you do cos you're dissing me - but please please PLEASE open the red ones for the Why and the How]

I talked abt him recently, remember? One of those people I find it hard to read at times bcs their writing is too beautiful and my life isn't right now? Paul
needs your help to help build a theatre in the Philippines, where his family comes from. NOW DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?

I was sitting here wondering what I could do to help, thinking I could ask my friends to donate some money bcs they will you know, that’s the sort of friends I have, but thinking surely I could do more - and that shows you where my intelligence level is these days bcs it was only a moment ago, in fact abt 2 min bfr I started writing this, that this sentence formed in my foggy brain: well fuck me, I have a blog! [Sorry to introduce such coarse language into your world Paul, but this is how my mind works.]

I DO have a blog and here we are. Would you like a cuppa tea? Now sit back and sip prettily as I tell you more [and I mean PRETTILY, do I have a post coming abt Traumatic Post-Prandial Disorder!]

So why should you help Paul? Why should you trust him? Let’s analyse this scientifically shall we. Either you belong to a) those who care; or b) those who don’t give a damn. If you belong to b) well, scoot off now bfr I sic the dog on you. People like you are not welcome here and believe me, I’d use the Schwartz to send you to Bloody Huis Clos in a sec if I could. Should you belong to a) [*back pat*, well done!] chances are you a) believe in everything you’re told; b) need to see proof; or c) are too lazy to get off your ass and do something if it involves the Post office and God, there was a letter from 94 sitting on your desk for three years, THREE, have you no shame? D) are a hybrid.

A) that’s a bit sad and dangerous but I understand. Believe me, I do understand; [*stupid cow*] b) I also do understand this very well, there are too many con artists making a living out of genuinely good people; c) er, yes. That too. Too sad, I know. [Oh bite me, if you happen to be reading this and smirking, you probably alphabetise your spices and clothes and coo over your microhoover - NOW who’s sad eh?] Being a hybrid, and seeing as I believe that we CAN get to know someone pretty well through reading their blog bcs people give themselves away all the time, and unless you are a sociopath you will show us who you are, I can tell you that I trust Paul. I’ve been reading him since the beginning and have unfailingly appreciated all I read and the person he is. I can also tell you I will get my best friend to go to the Post Office to mail the money. That way she’ll get to feel even more noble, I’ll avoid disaster and PLIM!, another theatre chair! [Er, and best friend, if this is the first you've heard of it - ISN'T THIS A BRILL PLAN?? AREN'T YOU PROUD OF MY INTITIATIVE? Quite.]

I can’t show you proof but I can show you Paul. Paul is
funny, he really is. He’s left me some hilarious comments (PLUS has the good taste to have the Pimpafier Lurv Machine linked to on his sidebar, how cool is he?). His skin is the colour of cinnamon - and see how mahvelous I am? I don’t hold it against him just bcs I’m jealous. Finally, his writing is (in case you've missed my mentioning it loads) gorgeous. GORGEOUS. Finally, if for nothing else, he deserves Good Things for knowing how to spell theatre properly, bless his heart.

The cause is worthy. Go read him, see what you think. And then if it moves you, you can help. You CAN, you know.

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3 Comments:

At 15/3/05 20:24, Blogger paulmonster said...

Lioness, mighty excellent sweet chocolate Lioness shizzle,

YOU. ARE. A. ROCKSTAR.

R-O-C-K-fucking-S-T-A-R.

 
At 15/3/05 20:45, Blogger The Lioness said...

HEY!!!! I liked that other one!WHERE ARE MY ELEPHANTS AND THE CHAMPAGNE NOW? *KICK*

 
At 16/3/05 00:02, Blogger paulmonster said...

Sorry, it just seemed a bit much, I thought I ought to scale it back, sorry, sorry.

Re-enter exploding champagne bottles, LIONESS in lights on the marquee--Hey, Simba, get back here--look, there's the kneeling elephants again--okay, Simba, stop stealing Punchy's hat, you've got your own hat, just keep your trunk to yourself--and look, I'm even calling in the chorus line of peacock-women, and the fire-stilt-walkers, and the flotilla of tugboats with their hoses going, see, they're cool, huh?

Standby trapeze trombonists. Poodle clowns and dancing bears, I need you guys on deck stage left... and watch out, she kicks...

 

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