Thursday, June 23, 2005

Hysteria Lane

In am speechless, truly I am.

People, people, people... Don't you know me a bit by now? Allow me to introduce me:

Hullo, I'm the Lioness. I sometimes write posts abt Buffy, sharks and Clippy, the Office Assistant. Bcs I can, you see. It being my blog. And Buffy, sharks and Clippy are all rather fabulous in their own different ways [sadly, Clippy has been replaced in my affections by The Cat. The Cat meows, and scratches my screen and curls up to sleep when I stop writing. Such are the fickle ways of the world.] But what I’m locally known for though is the way I let things aggravate me, all sorts of things, ridiculous things at times - and when they do I go on and on and on abt them. Not bcs I can, see, but bcs I can NOT help myself. I absolutely cannot help myself. Most importantly, if you’ve been reading me with a modicum of attention you’ll have noticed I eat sarcasm for breakfast. It keeps my brain sharp and my waistline small.

So Dahlings, this is my question to you. Take a good look at the previous post, go on. It didn’t take much time did it. That's bcs it’s only two lines. Let me repeat that, IT’S ONLY TWO LINES!




I’d have to at least, AT LEAST, write 15 paragraphs where reasons would be detailed ad nauseam. Bcs I’d start right around the time Pangea ceased to be and work my way up to opposable thumbs wouldn’t I. And there’d be lots of links to previous posts and people, obviously. And I’d get all weepy and girly and flail my arms abt loads and try on different outfits bfr I finally settled on the very first one.

HAVE YOU LEARNT NOTHING? You’re all grounded. Go sit in the corner w the funny hat. Face the wall, NOW!

I meant, you bunch of hysterical creatures, that it seems I have lost my touch! Bcs, despite appearances to the contrary AS.I.TYPE, I cannot rant anymore!

[Excuse me while I get my bearings for a moment. My mother’s just rang me and said “Oh I’m on the way to the hairdresser’s bcs I cannot stand these colouring jobs they’ve been doing anymore, I’ll get a buzz haircut and then it will grow back normal.” A BUZZ HAIRCUT. You don’t know my mother. My mother dresses conservatively, silks, good cottons, authentic jewelery (the pieces she hasn’t finished distributing throughout the Portie Gas Station Bathroom Belt, that is), furs (let’s pretend I didn’t say that, they’re part of “my heritage” and fuck me if I know what I’ll do w them one day). So the haircut wouldn’t exactly fit in with the whole. Plus I’d have to be present to yell TIMBER! and break my father’s fall. I myself would probably be whimpering bcs, despite my personal feelings regarding said look (VILE), some people actually look rather fabulous with no hair or close to none. My mother is NOT one of them, she doesn’t have the bone structure for it. She’d look appallingly disease-ridden. Crisis averted, I got my voice back in time but am shaky. And worried. It will probably be one of those days, wonder how the sky looks at night…. It’s beginning to sound suspiciously like a full moon approaching.]

As I was saying, I No Can Rant No More. And that saddens me, and pains me, and shames me more than just a bit. Bcs sometimes things happen and I think “OH!” - but then… nothing. NOTHING. I feel my belly in the most medical way possible (we have a much better verb, we say “palpate”. Portie beats English at times, who knew! What, you don’t understand? Oh shut up.) - and there’s NO FIRE! The dragons are gone! That’s what I meant by this blog has left the building, you silly crop of souls! I am bored by it! And that’s not news, remember? REMEMBER??

Yes, I post pics w captions and little Talking Whatchamacallits, and I write abt Abanibi and the I Kiss You bloke - but that’s not really posting is it? NOT REALLY! That’s just white noise, and we all know what I like is a nice juicy black one, where everything is sucked in powerfully and, occasionally, cosmically eructed. I need to tell you abt the Moonlight Glistening Buttocks - and I cannot! I need to tell you abt an Anglo visitor I had and his peculiar sense of “guestness”, which involved a taxi driver, much alcohol, loads of rugby and me banging my head against every available, nail-infested surface - and I cannot! Not because I must study or have too much work - new translation job, excruciatingly booooring - see the pattern, dahlings? I simply CAN NOT. Gone. The bloody universe is conspiring against me!

Besides which, I just woke up - look here, I’ve barely finished my third coke and there are only seven ciggie butts in the ashtray! - and you’ve forced me to get my brain into gear and it doesn’t take kindly to that in the wee hours of the morrow. (Go here
to see for yourselves how dramatic it is if you don’t believe me. Eyes swollen shut, much bumping against furniture and the most extraordinary head of bad bed hair that ever roamed the planet. Every day, every single day of the year.)

And now it gets personal:
(Txt Messages I had this morning)
Viscondessa, NO, I'm not going to quit blogging! For shame!
Jay, where the HELL have you been? Have you lost your commenting fingers? You are still hilarious - but what, since you’ve been to Chicago you’re to cool to post here? For shame!
Lorem Ipsum, I think you need a new vacation babe. For shame!
Chimmy Boy, you should also know better! For shame!
Ed, at least you partially got it. MILK? I’m not that much of an Anglophile, as it turns out For shame!
Beth, I’d stop blogging and not tell you?? For shame!
Elswhere, see, there are NO caustic notes left! For shame!
Trout, words fail me. For shame!
Eliyahu, huh? Who is? Cryptic Judaism now? Drink your tea. For shame!
Stacey, a woman after my own heart! But I never left! For shame!
Noorster, Noorster… You too should have known better! For shame!
Nuno, at least I got you to curse and delurk or whatever it is you do all the way down there in LA. But cursing?? I’m shocked. For shame!
Simone, WHO are you? Are you a *shudder* LURKER? This it took for you to surface? And now you'll re-lurk? For shame!
Ana, PREGGO BRAIN! For shame!
David, well, it’s a mystery! Ha, get it? For shame!

There, I feel better. You lot tire me. Here, I’m buying a round of caipirinhas (Ana, you just sniff). You need to chill, dahlings. Badly. But you made me laugh, there’s that. And the concern is lovely, if misguided. And if you don’t know what I’m alluding to in the title, shame on you and the mare you rode in on! GO GET THE SERIES NOW.


At 23/6/05 14:20, Blogger Eliyahu said...

maybe left the building, but seems to be lingering just outside the door....maybe it's trying to tell you that's the smoking zone?

At 23/6/05 14:38, Blogger The Lioness said...

Speaking of which, must go get ciggies and walk dog who can't be bothered to wake up, not really.

At 23/6/05 14:44, Blogger treppenwitz said...

Well, my relief at finding out you are still among us is enough to temper my embarrassment at misunderstanding your last post.

To celebrate I may just have a special picture just for you at the end of tomorrow's Photo Friday! Maybe. :-)

At 23/6/05 14:55, Blogger The Lioness said...

Oh no worries! Even those who've been reading from the beginning got their knickers in an uproar, there was no hope. It was really bad sarcasm, I'll admit that - and that was the whole point of the post! GONE. Gone Daddy gone.

A special pic, all for me? YEY! And I smoke at that. You are one generous man, to see past one's deeply embedded flaws. Happy birthday once more, I wish you loads of kef.

At 23/6/05 17:29, Blogger Nuno Guerreiro said...

I’m very glad to see that you’r not giving up... by the way, that was not cursing on my other comment…
it was a kabbalistic permutation of symbols, an incantation (כישוף) destined to draw you back to the blog. Well, it worked!...

At 23/6/05 17:38, Blogger Candace said...

Um, excuse me? You just DID one of your posts.


And could you be any more beautiful? Bedhead and all? I don't think so.

At 23/6/05 18:17, Blogger Kristin said...

Yeah...what misfit haven't lost anything. You just needed us to be clueless and trigger it for you. I'm glad I missed the initial uproar because my pregnancy impaired brain probably would have panicked too.

At 23/6/05 18:21, Blogger Stacey said...

Yuck, I hate women in buzz cuts. I've never seen one woman who I thought would look best in one of those cuts.

At 23/6/05 18:22, Blogger CarpeDM said...

Can't rant anymore? Hah. I seem to remember a conversation we had yesterday. Where you made me swear on Jesus that I would make a doctor's appointment. Remember? And it's not like you're not completely brilliant no matter what you write so there. I didn't think you were really leaving so I don't get a for shame. Nyanyanyah!

It's so great having friends that bring out your maturity level, don't you think?

At 23/6/05 19:46, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Isso, diz-me que bebeste 3 coca-colas de manhã...

At 23/6/05 20:14, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

What's all this 'for shame' stuff? Is that a Jewish or Porty incantation? But I can imagine you with that fox stole, those little beady eyes on you shoulder, tail hanging down (that kind of fur?). Kind of goes with the eyes and cigarettes.

At 23/6/05 22:04, Blogger Savtadotty said...

I am so embarrassed that I missed the two-line post and now have to catch up with the hysteria and the reassurance at the same time.

I know exactly what you mean by that "heritage" thing. My late mother's mink stole, has been sitting in my closet for 25 years. Here it still is. Lots of opportunities to wear fur in Tel Aviv. Not.

At 23/6/05 22:21, Blogger Scully said...

I'm glad I didn't drop by yesterday or I would have thought you would have left as well.

But you're right. Two lines wouldn't have sufficed.

You're a fruit cake. A sarcastic one at that.

At 23/6/05 23:07, Blogger Udge said...

Can you actually see out of those eyes? Amazing. How much of what did you smoke on the night before the photo was taken?

At 23/6/05 23:33, Blogger cat said...

my knickers have been pretty mellow lately thank you, well besides being located often round my knees. sultry picture btw *miao*

At 23/6/05 23:53, Blogger The Lioness said...

No one - NO ONE - remarked upon how tremendously witty my title is. NO ONE. Are you all infidels?? *coughs up furball*

Nuno, of course it wasn't, of course it did, and I am grateful! And laughing. Here, have a pastelinho de bacalhau.

Misfit, I said "despite this post" or something, didn't I? Oh I could be SO MUCH MORE beautiful, believe me! And only you dahling would apply this word to that pic. I think it's a hilarious one but there are other adjectives... (Udge, coming!)

Kristin it's ok, we already got out preggo brain of the day. ;)

Stacey, Hale Berry comes close but that's abt it.

DM, good for you! Yes, maturity level. Quite.

Loverboy, that coke thing was SARCASM. Again. Mostly.

Joe, I won't even tell you, too shameful. But no faces, noooo faces!

Savtadotty, I really don't know what to do with them. Maybe donate them to rehabbers who rehab said species but where to find them?

Scully, fruit cake, now there's a horrid thingy! But er, tnx!

Udge, no, i actually can't. When I return to the light upon exiting my very dark bedroom I actually cannot see so well. In my defense, no illegal substances, I sometimes am allergic to my cats' hair and eyes get swollen.

Cat, wow! Talk abt blog-bonding! :DDD What can I say but good for you? Shagulastic!

At 24/6/05 01:16, Blogger Lord Chimmy said...

It was late and I was suffering from caffeine-induced psychosis. I'm just a desparate blogger living on hysteria lane. Also, I enjoy joing in a good panic. It is invigoratin.

BTW, have you tried coke with lime? It is fantastic.

At 24/6/05 05:28, Blogger rabbi neil fleischmann said...

Yes. Paroh's is the only birthday party mentioned in the Torah. You're our grand winner!

G-d Bless

At 24/6/05 20:50, Blogger Dale said...


(That's all. Okay, well, it's not all, but the rest is parenthetic. (Words, words, words.) Actually that swollen-eyed picture of you is adorable. Makes me want to take you home and look after you. Though I expect that taking lionesses home is a rather more complex undertaking than it might appear (which is one good reason to stay parenthetic, right? because in parentheses you don't really mean anything. (But anyway, what it all really signifies is that we are very very fond of you and you can't even joke about going away without pasting big signs all around it. (I'm NOT going away!!!) Like that.)))

At 25/6/05 00:27, Anonymous ed said...

What, no milk? You'll be telling me it's real tea next, like Earl Grey or something, instead of Tetley Tea Bags. Maybe I could come for coffee instead.

Yes, I did get it - I couldn't really imagine you bowing out with a whimper. But one doesn't like to presume too much - just in case.

And I'm sure the rantability will return in due course.

At 25/6/05 04:33, Blogger brooksba said...

Sorry for the delayed commenting. My head has been spinning for days now and blogging access has decreased.

I think I was just confused by the first post. Thinking outside of work has not been my forte lately.

I thought this was a pretty decent rant in and of itself. You still got it chica!

As for the title, I'm not much of a TV person, but do I detect a bit of desperation in the reference?


At 26/6/05 18:45, Blogger Serialangel said...


The Aarghness!

I've been in Barcelona for the four days so I'm allowed to be a little out of touch. I liked both of your titles...and I'm glad you're not going anywhere.

You say you've lost ranty-ness, but that can never die. You're just tired and pooped out from exams and everything else from the last 6 months/your life, basically. If I was you, I'd have a cup of tea - lots of sugar. Random I know but it works in so many works somehow.

At 28/6/05 01:06, Blogger M said...

ha ha. clueless people are funny.


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