Oedipus, pass the fork please.
My only consolation.Maybe.
I don't think scrotum fold intertrigo is too much to ask for. That, and some mites.
- PRETTIER THAN A MUD BATH -
My only consolation.Maybe.
I don't think scrotum fold intertrigo is too much to ask for. That, and some mites.
Nothing much to see here, words behaving like birds today.
Sleeping is still a problem, or rather, the waking up after a few hours is. A few days ago I was woken up by a furballing cat on the duvet at 4 am - always at 4 am - and couldn't go back to sleep till 9 am. Does wonders for my intelligence and wit. I promptly opened up a new post window and stared at it for abt an hour. I was trying to address D.'s comment but I still cannot, other than to say, it wasn't abt taking the high ground at all, sure, we need to fight back but I don't see how actually fighting with them when there were more of them than us, when our group as a whole doesn't know how to fight - are you joking? Take a look at the photograph again, do we look like we can kick any ass other than our own? I had to quit my krav maga lessons bcs they all came from martial arts and the pace was unbelievable so I ended up sparinging something every single time and only learning how to actually have the shit beaten out of me by someone who wasn't actually trying to hurt me but there you go, that's the sad amount of my proficiency and fitness. Also, they carry knives they are wont to use, we do not. Believe me, I have been thinking abt it and daydreaming of physically hitting them. I might never but I would dearly have the skill to, that'd give me some more security, that would give me a mental edge. As it is, how should we have handled it? I'm not being snarky, I really want to know what you think we could/should have done. Sad as it may be, if I ever got in a fight with some low-life neon*azis and managed to break a few noses and cause a few hard-to-heal bruises and verlasting scars - it'd be lovely! You think I'd feel bad for my fellow humans? Er, what fellow humans would that be? As it is, unless we decide upon an essay contest or wit, I will lose, easily and fast. My being stabbed or beaten into a pulp WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST CHANCE OF FIGHTING BACK, and this is the important thing to remember, won't do much to bring us out of the ghetto as far as I can see.
The title is not abt my cervix, all seems to be healing well. Experienced quite a fair amount of discomfort all of last weekend, unable to stand for long periods again and generally achey. My most excellent and knowlegdeable doctor friends told me it's a good sign, means the endometrium - which was scraped raw, all squeaky clean - was regenerating. Kudos to my endometrium then. I mean the other sort of elephant.
I haven't been mentioning Uzi a lot. I still think abt him so often it surprises me but no longer speak abt him here all that much. I feel like it's all been said bfr. More than that, I think I have lost the ability to say it. I'm often left staring at the screen. But I had this miscarriage and I couldn't tell him. And I know he'd have said at least 2 wrong things bcs he'd be tripping all over himself in his haste to comfort me, and it would have shocked the bloody hell out of him (though maybe it'd have enticed him to send me some garinim) (oh and books) - but I don't care. I don't care much what happens after we die, we cannot know for sure and by the time we do it's all a bit moot. Maybe I'll see him on a higher plane and we'll travel together as blue light blablabla. Maybe I'll reincarnate as his mother, sister, dog, owner. Fabulous. How does that help me? How does that help me now? I want him now, I need him now. NOW.
As I said, nothing much to see here.
I may be even dafter than I fear, I very effectively forgot to write abt the most important thing: my dreams. Fitting theme for today. My dreams have been populated by babies, it's a constant pregnant landscape. I am either fleeing trying to save my babies or someone else's. People are wonded and dying and dead and as a bonus often have pieces of their faces missing, and I talk incessantly in order to convince them to help me. I run all the time, renn Lioness renn, and wake up fragmented. The most telling dream so far was one where I ran and ducked and held guns and used them and dodged bullets and looked among the ruins for survivors (gorillas take a long time to die, I'm afraid) and then finally managed to have my baby - but Uzi was too late to witness the actual birth of our child. Often when I dream of him I know he's dead and therefore spend most of my time trying to squeeze the life force out of him, as it were, trying to hold on to him, to memorise his voice, his laughter, the way his shoes sounded on the pavement, the way he walked and smelt. I have often not been able to listen to what he was saying bcs I was trying too hard to keep all of him in. This time I didn't, and from within the anger that I feel over how the whole miscarriage process was conducted - very incompetently at times, I'm still putting it all together -, from within the loss that I came to feel, this is what stands out the most, the old one, the pervaisve one, the abrasive one. I am still whole but there used to be more of me, THERE USED TO BE MORE OF ME. That embryo might have been something but it never was, it couldn0t be, I can let it go peacefully. Uzi was everything and I sometimes sleep throug it. THIS is still what hurts the most.
It doesn't much matter what you lose does it. At the end of the day, all pain gathers together namelessly in the pit of you, dragging you down, dragging you down...
I barely sleep these days. When this all started, abt a week ago, I'd fall asleep easily and wake up too early. Now I fight falling asleep, have bad dreams, sleep lightly and wake up every time I blink, it seems. Stupid cat pawing things off the nightstand all night long isn't helping much either. And I'm weak, I can barely walk small distances without having to rest for a bit. Meh.
Last night saw a flurry of tears bcs I still don't fit in all my clothes (also what happens when you quit smoking and, in my case, what continues happening after you resume smoking), my hair looks disgusting, no one seems to understand Portuguese when the time comes to highlight it, plus I seem to have managed to expel an embryo in the course of a week and not very proficiently at that.
I am more exhausted now than right after the D&C. Bloody hormones.
PS - Bulls and Jesus seem to go hand in hand here, bullfighting is rampant in the country and why not add some spice to your bloodless Easter. A bull escaped in a city in the Algarve and roamed the streets for a good while. Cars were damaged, a few people were lightly hurt, the police ended up having to shoot the bull and managed to graze a civilian as well. This was a gentle bull [cabresto]. Now tell me I do NOT live in the armpit of Europe. Go on. I'll wait.
This is rather long, I wrote it mostly to purge, to lay it to rest. It is also decidedly unpleasant. If you can't be bothered to read it all it's all right, we are both fine, the worst is over, skip to the last paragraph.
On Tuesday we had planned on going for the 2nd beta at 1.30 pm but E. received a call for a job interview at 10 am and they wanted him at their offices bfr 11, and so, bcs the hospital is nearby, we decided I'd drop him off and drive there and he'd come join me and then we'd come back home. Bcs there wasn't a lot of time left, he walked the dog and then she came w us (she is used to waiting in the car for us, asleep). I dropped him off, drove to the hospital, parked in the underground garage, walked up, asked where the lab was and by that time I was slowly shuffling along the corridors, holding my belly w one hand. When I got there I could barely sit and I had at least 15 people ahead of me, so I asked the lady at the counter if they could speed things up. She took one look at me and the reason for the blood test and I was the first one to be called in. The technician who saw me assumed I was going straight to the ER from there and frankly, so did I. It had become literally painfully clear that this miscarriage was going to happen, and sooner than later. I shuffled all the way to the ER, was sent up almost immediately, and then tried to sit in that waiting room until I felt like I was going to faint. I couldn't find a position that didn't hurt, the contractions were very painful, I felt absolutely nauseated and slightly disoriented and decided to get up and ask a nurse for some sugar to place under my tongue. I then tried to go to the bathroom (yes, constipation makes the pain much worse, I learnt that basically with my 1st period) where I found I was passing clots again and more blood than the days before. I went back to the waiting room (dragged myself there from wall to wall) bcs I was afraid I'd pass out if I stood but I truly couldn't stand the painof sitting, or even reclining, so I went back to haunting the corridors. At this point I was near tears and I think I'd have cried if I hadn't been concentrating so hard on not passing out. I coudn0t sit and I couldn't stand and I couldn't call for help and the corridor was deserted but for 2 drs. who'd been talking and laughing for what felt like a good while and I was feeling absolutely desperate when one of he drs. saw me - hard to miss - and asked me if I was waiting for something. I whispered A miscarriage, he said I needed to be seen immediately and asked if I could walk to the examination room, and I slowly shuffled there, so relieved someone was going to see me. I was in too much pain to climb onto the table on my own, and wasn't by then really too surprised to hear him say It's a retained miscarriage (don't know what it's called in English) and then i asked if the pg was absolutely not viable and he said it absolutely wasn't, but the sac was intact and they thought it'd all come out whole, and then he told his colleague I looked too pale and they should keep me there anyway and had I had blood drawn and I whispered Beta, he said I'm afraid we don't need that anymore, and his colleague said Yes but we have no beds and he said Let's put her in the recovery room with that other lady who miscarried as well and they said tehy'd be back in a minute and I said I cannot move and so I remained perched at the end of the table w my feet on the dr.'s stool and head btwn my knees, feeling wave after wave of nausea and pain and wondering when I'd topple over and then I decided I'd feel more comfortable if I wasn't bleeding on me anymore so managed to get up and put knickers back on but then sat on the stool and held on to he stirrups for dear life and don't know how long i was there but pain got worse, nausea did too, i was shaking and sweating somuch I had to removemy jumper, and then i saw
blighted ovum embryo was firmly put, and by then the infection that was just starting would ravage me and I'd die, how could I NOT love hospitals, and then the pain was gone, they ust have given me something stronger in preparation and I quietly lay there listening to the babies and mothers, and then the nurse came and helped me to the bathroom, she pushed the saline on wheels and I held onto my flapping hospital gown bcs by then I gave a shit again who saw my fat white arse, and then I shocked her by asking her how many D&C's Dr. Jorge [NOT LIKE SPANISH! Sounds like "gorge" but the J is like the French one, ok? Jór-j.] had done, and had he ever left a tiny leg or arm inside and she sniffed and said she couldn't answer that but hey, it's my uterus and my life, and then I was wheeled in and the thougth that I'd not feel that pain again was exhilarating, I couldn't care less abt the anaesthesia, and I'd made my peace with the end of this pregnancy, that embryo was a very ill one and I hope had not developed enough to experience pain but it was sick and it was impossible and one of us needed to come out of this whole and so I let it go, and I asked Dr. Jorge to please keep in mind that I still intented to put this uterus to good use so would he pay extra attention, and then the Anaesthesiologist started talking to me and injecting stuff and asked me if I felt any difference, and I said no, and she said All right, let's give her Propofol now, and I lay there annoyed bcs I couldn't remember whether Propofol was a beta-receptor blocker, or an alpha-receptor or what and I should know it, and then I felt the induction which is as anguishing as I remembered it bcs you feel you're dissociating from your body and I always think this is how dying must feel like and the Anaesth. asked if I felt anything and I said I certainly did and either I was dying or being induced and she actually jumped a bit at my cheekiness or what have you and told me not to even say that word in there, and then the last thing I remember is discussing sushi, which is not a bad last memory at all, and then I was woken up against my will from a very deep and comforting sleep during which I even dreamt good dreams, and the first thing I noticed was that my lower back wasn't hurting and it was the first time in over a week, and then I noticed I didn't feel any pain whatsoever, or nausea, NO NAUSEA, NO PAIN, and I was starving and felt alive for the first time in a long time, and they asked me how I felt and I said Splendid, when may I go home? and they laughed and wheeled me out and I saw my parents and E. and cheerily waved at them and then a nurse came into the recovery room, where I was w 2 C-section mothers and their little newborns and she said I cannot believe this is you, you look so much better! and I stared at her and realised this was my nurse, the one I'd had in the other room and I hadn't recognised her, and she said You went through such a rough time, poor thing, I’ so glad you’re feeling better, every time I came in you were on your hands and knees rocking back and forth and do you know I barely remembered this but it's true, she kept telling me to lie on my side and I couldn't even be bothered to answe after the first few times bcs THAT DIDN'T HELP EITHER and I'd assume the position that felt less excruciating at any given time which isn't saying much, and then I needed to pee and I wasn't allowed up so I accepted the bedpan and peed and peed and peed and it felt wonderful, and then I remembered I'd also been desperate to go to the bathroom while in the OR and they'd told me they'd express my bladder after I was under and I assumed they hadn't but nurse said they had and would you believe I lay there and wondered where on earth I was finding the fluid to make all that urine and later when I told E. abt it he looked at me like I was mad (the look he reserves for when he has to go hunt for my keys, or my glasses or etc bcs I can never find or remember anything and he always does) and said They have been relacing your IV bags for hours now, you've had so many! and true, I had an IV drip (which has given me a fine, big hematoma), and I waited and waited for E. and my parents and one of the husbands even went out into the halway to see if they were anywhere to be seen (they all felt awful I think, the nurse had walked up to me and cheerily asked Normal birth or C-section? and I'd answered Abnormal miscarriage, normal D&C, and they all looked away but seriously, the babies, all those new lives were comforting, and besides, I'd been thinking E. and I had got into this quite ambivalently, I mean, being a parent is the scariest thing, and this had turned us into 2 people who knew w absolute certainty that this is what they wanted, regardless, and for that how could I not be grateful), so finally one of the husbands lent me his mobile and I rang E. and he said he’d made everyone stay away on purpose so I could rest and I told him I felt wonderful and was bored and please come, and then they all came, taking turns, and E. kept remarking that my heart rate and respiratory frequency were normal, did I hear that, they were normal, look how normal!, and I was told I’d be released later that evening, and then the nurse told me patients usually went home after abt 2-4 hours in the recovery room but my family had felt that that was too soon and I said WHAT?!, and luckily for me and sadly for him Dr. Jorge was walking past the open door and I called him and asked him to please not be swayed by my incredibly catastrophe-fearing parents and he said You’re doing fine, I’d let you go home now, it’s the anaesthesiologist that needs convincing, an by then it was 8 pm already and the story was, usually the anaesth. wants to wait 2 h, TWO HOURS, but my parents had apparently talked to her and since they were still afraid I’d exsanguinate, and bcs they couldn’t forget how I’d been a mere hours bfr they couldn’t believe I’d be in any shape to go home so soon after all that, EH. Then I sent everyone home to rest bcs it was ridiculous, E. had a test the next day and my parebts looked absolutely knackered and I’d be released in a few hours anyway and would give them a ring so they could come get me, and after a batlle of wills they all went home and eventually I was moved to a new room, given food, pestered the nurses to call the Anaesth. every so often in the hopes that’d make them want to get rid of me faster, and finally one came and pronounced me fine and I dove for the phone and asked my parents to please fly back to the hospital, and then I got dressed and felt no pain whatsoever, or nausea, and I walked up and down the corridor bcs I couldn’t wait to be out of there, an the nurse who’d sniffed and disaproved smiled at me politely and then did a double turn and said It’s you, I cannot believe it, you don’t look like the same person at all! and I laughed and that didn’t hurt me either, and then my parents came, and we drove to the chemist’s for the antibiotics, the 2 sorts of pain killers and the pill that is to help shrink my uterus and get it back into shape, and then I was home, in my home, on my sofa, with E. and my pets, and I was giddy with lack of pain and I couldn’t do anything but revel in it, absolutely nothing hurt except for the IV drip vein but that hardly counts [actually counts a bit, can be unbelievably painful], and then I slept and woke up at 3 am or so and tried to write a post but couldn’t bcs was still high from lack of pain and exhaustion, and then I slept some more and yesterday when I woke up I felt exhausted still and could barely move w tiredness, and I tried writing that post and answering emails but I couldn’t so I watched Bend it like Beckham, Nanny McPhee and House M.D. and started re-reading David Nobbs’ Pratt of the Argus, and then I fell asleep at 10 pm and woke up at 4 am and then went back to sleep and 5.30 am or so, and woke up abt an hour ago and decided I needed to write this for me, so apologies for length and detail, I dare say not many made it this far.
I want to talk more abt everyone who helped me so much but that will be for another day, I’ve written enough as it is (I wish I knew how to do the Continue reading link but I don’t). I am in no pain physically [UPDATE: am now a bit, sharp pain on right side that comes and goes, still manageable, I suppose it's to be expected], ibuprufen w every meal and paracetamol every 8h. I feel my uterus and my right ovary region at times but it’s mostly harmless. I'm barely bleeding. I’m still pale and tired but everyone pronounces me positively rosey in comparison, so that’s fine. I have come to terms w the fact that this pregnancy was not viable. Don’t know if this is the total amount of digesting I’ll do but I’ve learnt that in life a) shit happens and b) pain is unavoidable, suffering is optional. The first beta at 6w4d was 1654, remember? At 6w6d it was 535. Poor thing never really stood a chance. I was watching E. sleeping tonight, and early this morning (still wake up a few times during the night), and was thinking how bizarre to have been pregnant at my birthday and to not even know it. This has made me realise how much I do want children. I’ll be all right.
UPDATE: E. has just rang me, he'd gone out with my father to buy me this very car in Panther Black today (remember it was supposed to be for my birthday) and got a phone call, HE GOT THE JOB, he got the job he wanted, and it's well paid as well! It may not seem quite like it but our life is most definitely changing for the better.
I have hope. This is what it boils down to. The beta has spoken, the dr. has spoken, the blood I am still losing and my almost pain-free, visibly smaller boobs speak to me daily, and yet, I have hope.
Hope and I, we know each other well. I always seem to be able to cling to it long after all the facts say otherwise, yes? I always seem to ride it wildly in the face of death.
I told my mum, actually right after I wrote my last post. She rang me and all of a sudden waiting for that 2nd beta didn’t seem to make much sense. I know. They are worried and mostly want to make it all better. Ha. Wish someone could.
I cannot talk to E. abt this, not quite. Well I can, as long as I don’t say death, dead or dying. He is waiting for the 2nd beta tomorrow to allow himself to believe the unavoidable. He hopes, as well, against all odds.
There is a not so wide gap between an embryo and a baby. In my mind, I have crossed it. Maybe it’s not quite a baby I am losing, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t planned, it was very much wanted, in abstract, and now in concrete. I did it all backwards, first thinking I’d miscarried, then the u/s showing it might still be alive, then realising with the beta that it is dying. It didn’t help. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how or where you started, it doesn’t matter how you got there, it doesn’t much matter what lay in between. I still want it to live. It is still mine, it has become mine despite its impossibility.
I am losing the potential of this baby, and it hurts like the bloody hell.
Some of you have asked abt the beta and how I am, physically. Blood should be drawn tomorrow at around 2.30 pm, and the results are ready within 30-60 min, so I should be posting them btwn 4-5 pm my time [when it's midnight here it's 4 pm in Berkeley]. I will wait for the dr. to come give me the values, in the little Enya-infested waiting room. Physically, I am in no pain, no cramping anymore, just a vague and rather alien feeling of pressure, of stretching, weight, in my uterus from he ovaries to the pubic bone, on the sides. It is so uncomfortable in a painless way it bothers me when I speak in a more enthusiastic tone or for longer periods of time, like I'm pulling something. Nothing can be growing in me right now so I can't very well think it's round ligament pain. Oh, my lower back does hurt all the time. I am still bleeding a bit every day, not much, and the blood is rather bright but no clots. I am surprisingly weak and tire very easily, especially when I stand for a while. My belly still looks the same - it was beginning to depress me, the fact that I seemed to all of a sudden be gaining weight on my belly, and I couldn't think of a reason bcs I wasn't eating all that much more. E. would sometimes remark I looked pregnant - but then he says it often, it's wishful thinking on his part. I am often thirsty (a very rare thing for me) and drink loads of fluids these days. I'd fall asleep easily at night bcs I get so tired from doing basically nothing and then become slightly feverish and sweat a bit around my neck and chest, the same odor-free sweat I produce when I am normally ill and feverish (haven't had a fever in 3 days). I wake up often during the night, often after only a few hours, and then it takes me forever to fall asleep again. I am also constipated. And now I must drink some more tea again.
Ps - Couldn't be bothered with the exam, didn't even go.
PPS - Woke up at 2 am cramping, still at it. Also, sharp piercing small pain in right ovary area. Who wants to place bets it's only gas? I know what will inevitably happen but I almost considered going to the ER just to have confirmation that it's started. But no bleeding. I NEED YOUR HELP HERE, if anyone knows: how long after you'd started feeling this way did you miscarry?