- PRETTIER THAN A MUD BATH -
I don't know what to do. I stopped studying abt 3 h ago bcs I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't, and I can't. I simply cannot bear to look at the same sentences over and over again to have them not be memorised. What the fuck am i doing w my life? I am 35 years old and live like an empoverished student, will it be worth it? What if I find out that a) I am not a good vet after all, wouldn't that be a laugh and/or b) I hate it, absolutely hate it? I see students from other universities whose vet degrees are shaped like human medicine, like the things you see on the telly. They have clinical rotations. Their programs are serious, they are taken seriously, they take themselves seriously. Me? I feel like a fraud. Our university is proudly said to be the glory of the country. I think glory got mixed up with cesspit, I am in the 3rd year and what the bloody hell have I learnt? As good as nothing. We are not taught to think as doctors, we are taught to memorise and spew and forget. I don't understand how I could have had 12 exams last semester in close to 3 weeks and passed them all, I truly don't,a nd this semester I have far less and am failing abysmally. This semester I am tired. I don't want to do this anymore, not like this, this is too hard, this is too little. I had 7 subjects this semester, which makes 11 exams. [Oh wait, 11 exams? Really? Well, still.] I passed a few and then - Biochem (8 out of 20 which isn't bad considering most of it was random circling); Imagiology - no time to prepare whatsoever bcs we had 2 days in btwn exams so welcome to a 6, lovely grade, the 6; I didn't even attempt to write Anat Path II bcs, again, no time to prepare bcs was desperately trying to intuit which of the 400 pages i should devote myself to in the 2 or 3 days I had to study; didn't attempt Pharmacology either bcs am absolutely lost w the calculations for prescriptions and besides it's 3 exams in a row, from 9-14h, and then from 14-16h there was Biochem so I chose Biochem instead and cannot even ironically say Well chosen bcs of prescriptions and had I failed that one and passed the other 2 with smashing grades I'd still be forced to re-write them all bcs the grades are not kept for the September exams, how lovely. Did go to the 2nd Biochem exam again but really, this time I don't think I have managed more than a 6, this season's numerology session brought to you by What Was She Thinking When She Thought She Could Be a Vet. I will be writing Imagiology in a few hours and really, why even bother. I will go but what's the point. And then I have 2 days bfr Path Anat II, and although I find it interesting it's one of the hardest for me to study bcs we do not have a book, it's basically notes written by the teacher and by some students, and I have the sort of brain that needs context to memorise, otherwise there is no earthly reason why impetigo cannot be intertigo and vice-versa. So that too shall be fun.
Don't worry, I have not been assaulted or robbed or anything else that would result in a police report. It was the weirdest thing---I was reading in the window seat, and this rather large-bottomed woman boarded the train and made these elaborate preparations to sit down next to me. She pivoted so that she was perpendicular to the seat, backed up very very close to me, and slowly started to lower her ass down. I had time to think, "wait a minute, this chick is going to sit on me" and also to think, "I am being paranoid, people don't just deliberately sit on other people" as the ass descended and then boom, it happened. I made some noise, halfway in between "oof" and "what the fuck?" and sort of pushed at her with my forearms, and she very calmly said, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry" and moved over to the empty seat.
And I sat there angry and bewildered and WHY DID THIS PERSON SIT ON ME. Does a fully-clothed, public-place, sitting on people by "accident" fetish exist? Could a spatial-perception disorder or severe nearsightedness really make someone misjudge a distance that badly? Had I briefly turned invisible?